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Lacking in a sexual identity... help?

Published on May 6, 2012 by kait

I'm just a girl who never really got sexually interested in herself like most girls did. I didn't start masturbating when I was 12 and now I'm 21. I never watched porn and didn't experiment or have sex in high school or anything. Recently I got involved with a guy who's very sexually experienced, into things like Dom/sub. Before I knew about that, I trusted him and felt it was the right time to lose my virginity to him. I do not regret that. I still trust him. But due to my inexperience, we're having problems. In the beginning I was very opposed to basic things like handjobs and blowjobs, seeing as I never even did that with previous boyfriends. The only thing I did with my exes was let them touch me. I also thought a lot of sexual positions were demeaning, like doggy style and blowjobs. I have come to like doggystyle, to my surprise, and have touched him several times (but I often don't feel like it). But because I never figured myself out as I grew up, there's something missing when we have sex, he says. I don't know what turns me on specifically, I guess. I don't have a kink. With the best intentions for me, he's urged me to start masturbating and watch porn and stuff like that. I bought a little vibrator recently and started playing with that. But obviously that's not enough. Is it possible for a person to simply not get anything out of porn? I just tried searching a website to find something to watch, per his request, but nothing appealed to me. It all looks disgusting and dirty and that none of it would turn me on. I've scoured lists of very common kinks and fetishes, and none of them jumped out at me as something I'd be into. I've personally enjoyed our sex life (he said he has too), but I know he has to hold back a lot. I don't like him saying "Fuck" and "pussy" or other such words, either... I also don't know how to entice him. Talking dirty isn't my forte either, even though the one time I tried it during sex, it really worked and was one of his favorite times, but I felt awkward. And then there's the Dom/sub thing. I'm scared of it, because I don't like the idea of being put down and told what to do. He's tried to get me to let him seek out the kink with someone else. Despite all the precautions he'd take (STD tests and such), I am a monogamous person and I think it's wrong. So I've tried to speed up my process of figuring myself out so that he wouldn't need anyone else, but I'm kind of stuck. And he doesn't want to affect my sexual identity by exposing me to Dom/sub and hurting me and making me hate him or anything. For what it's worth, our problems aren't all about sex but right now he does like me enough to stay (and I him) and try to work things out. I forgot what I was asking for with all this, but in so many ways, I need help.


Hello! While reading your question/comment, I felt bad. All I can say is, everything isn't for everybody and I understand the pressure of trying to force yourself to be a certain way sexually or try to get into things that u may not necessarily be into. You do seem like you're still warming up and maybe u don't know what u like just yet. Don't rush that though! A big part of enjoying sex to its fullest is RELAXATION. You have to be comfortable meaning u have to be comfortable doing what you're doing and u have to have a certain comfort in knowing that your partner is satisfied as well. Sounds like your boyfriend is putting a lot of pressure on you. It doesn't seem like he means to put this type of pressure on you but its there. This can result in making u put up a barrier. My advice to u is to relax for right now... don't go overboard trying to "find yourself" sexually for someone elses sake. You're not ready. Yes, get comfortable with your body by yourself. Yes, get comfortable with sex. And when YOU'RE ready, be open to other more "adventurous" things. But don't let someone dictate WHEN. The right man and the right experiences will help u flow naturally into your sexual comfort zone. It takes time though, hun! :-) Don't worry, just give yourself the time u feel that u need. Hope this helps!