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lack of understanding

Published on May 7, 2010 by kavithahariprasad

Mine was an arranged marriage while my husband was not satisfied with my profile, post our wedding he contributing in the married life was too less and he was always withdrawing himself from me, refused to do even the basic responsibilities of handling the family financial needs. after a year though he did start to change his behaviour, my feeling of being overwhelmed and he not taking financial needs at right sense landed up in a clash, now we dont speak to each other as the families has started to handle the issue. how to make take the responsibility of a family, he was not supporting me in my career, and now he has quit his job too and is looking out for another one... his family is too influnencing on his negative side to be a dependent. please advice.


There are several issues going on here. You'll have to decide which you want to deal with first. One, you have not set proper boundaries for yourselves and your marriage in regards to extended family. You don't have a chance to be and grow as a 'couple' if you are relinquishing your power to others.

Secondly, you never seemed to have connected in an intimate way with your husband. There is little indication in your question of love, respect or communication between you.

Thirdly, you would do well to determine what you wanted for yourself and your future. As you consider these three issues, dealing with one at a time will allow you to fine-tune your needs and thus give you some options to begin moving forward.


This is an arranged marriage you said, right? I'm going to assume that there is a cultural or religious difference so that typical USA ideas about dating, romance and marriage are not necessarily applicable, okay?

At this time just based on what you said, it sounds like the marriage was arranged but you husband was not consulted or at least feels like he wasn't. Add to that, it sounds like he feels he was not consulted regarding your career; then you stopped working and he stopped working, so now there are financial problems.

My suggestion to you would be to remind you that marriage is a commitment. You made a commitment to act in a way that reserves all your affection and loyalty for him, and yet those two actions alone sound like he feels pretty disrespected...and men need respect. So first, I would encourage you to honor your commitment and have your loyalty to your husband, not your parents. Once a marriage is arranged, you are not in your parent's house anymore. Second, I would encourage you to learn how to build love and respect, and in this instance you may have to start first and let him see you doing it. To build love and respect in your home, you do two things: 1) find out the things you have done that have hurt him and caused harm to the marriage and stop doing those things; and 2) find out the things that generate a feeling of love and respect in him and begin to do those things. Now by the way, I am fully aware that he has probably also done things to hurt you and caused harm to the marriage, but you can not change him--you can only focus on YOU and change yourself and the way you are.

If you would like to talk further please feel free to reply here or contact me privately here on YourTango!


Thank you for that good piece of advice, i was able to relate it to my current situation. I also have another problem where my in-laws keep influencing my husband, could you please help me to counter such kind of an issues which actually gets into trouble in our relationdhip.

Regards, Kavitha