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I've never been in a FWB, how do they work?

Published on February 8, 2011 by dazed and confused ii

I have been trying to decide if I want to venture into an FWB.  I am married and would like to be with a guy who is also married, that way it keeps it where neither one of can get attached.

So my question is, how do I keep my emotions out of it?  Or is it possible?  Also, could he run the risk of getting attached to me as well, or do guys just keep sex separate, can they keep it separate?

ANSWERS

Firstly, I don't think you should be getting into another physical thing with someone else while you're in a marriage.

But if you're going to do it anyways, make sure you make things very point blank with the other guy. Sit him down and talk it with him directly that you're only sleeping with him for physical reasons. Tell him that sex is just that to you and you want nothing else from it. Set out guidelines when or how you both can contact each other. Try to shy away from cuddling or being too emotionally bonded. Once you've both laid out your rules with each other it's neither person's fault if one gets their feelings involved.

As a girl I can't say if all guys can keep sex separate, but from my experience. Some of them really can't.

I have had 2 FWB and I too am married. The first one was with a guy much younger than me. He was also married. We have been "seeing" each other off and on for over 2 years. At first it was a little hard not to want to fall for him. But honestly because of the age difference I was and am able to separate myself. However, we do have a lot of problems and I feel he starts to get feelings or becomes "too close" and backs off. Then we do not speak, argue, etc... until he is over whatever it is that bothers him. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster with him sometimes. I love the sex and attention so I just go with the flow. As for my second one. I just started with him. I still am married but he is not. He is a few years younger and very very different from anyone I have ever met. I fell for him the minute we met. I am having a very hard time separating myself. To the point, I finally told him how I felt. After that, he found a single girl friend and that was that. I'm crushed as I really liked him. Based off my experience, a FWB can be wonderful!!! But, I caution you to really make sure you both are on the same page right from the beginning. As, I never discussed this with either of my relationships. Maybe if I had I would not be in the situation I'm in. Also, remember a FWB is an affair without the attachment. You cannot discuss this with anyone. Both your good times and bad tiimes. My suggestion is do what you feel in your heart not your head. Send a post and let me know what you decided on or if you have any questions. Good luck!

In a consideration such as this, there are some other important questions you can be asking also. Such as what is happening in my current relationship that I am not willing to admit or am too afraid to address? Are the issues sexual or is it something more? Is it that you are seeking from someone else because you think it's going to be exciting and/or is because you are trying to fill a void or a lack in your marriage? Is it boredom, well then why not try spicing things up with your husband?

Most people engage in these types of dynamics without considering any possible consequences. You may not experience any. You may do it for however long, get some fun out of it, and move on. No harm no foul. Or is there?

Other possibilities: you feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. The fact that you asked how you can keep your emotions out of it sparks a possibility that somehow your emotions can be triggered in some way. Also consider if you get caught, if the man you get involved with is also married, and if any of you have kids. There are other lives here that could be impacted apart from yours.

A man may say he won't get attached and then does. A man may say he's falling in love with you and then if you consider leaving your husband, the other man ends it with you. It's very difficult to predict these things. Also consider that there is a chemical that gets released in a woman's body when we have sex with a man called oxytocin that in a sense encourages us to "bond" or "pair" up with him.

I hope this helps. If you would like to chat more about it you can email me at alanna@i-love-my-life.com

I say, strengthen the marriage you have. Is the sex not fulfilling? Work on it with your partner and try new things in the bedroom. For women, it usually isn't working in the bedroom because there is something about the relationship that isn't working outside of the bedroom.

I am also concerned that you want to find another married person to do this with. So, adultery doesn't matter to you? Yes, maybe you aren't religious, so marriage (which is a spiritual union) and adultery don't matter. If it does matter, the question for me is, what were you seeking by getting married? What does that mean to you? Build on that.

What does FWB mean to you? Is it just about the sex? As someone said earlier, someone's emotions will get involved and then what will you do? I'm not for it. I say work things out with your spouse. Sexual variety also has its drawbacks and the person who posted earlier shared what some of those can be. Do you want a life of secrecy that includes great sex, but emotional turmoil? That is totally up to you.

Here's a different angle to consider. My wife and i decided to try having an open marriage. We have discussed it many times over the years, and we are now trying it out. We have been married 16 years, and have 2 children. We remain committed to eachother, but we would both love to have a fwb. We have come up with a set of rules. No one night stands ( it's gross when you consider how many diseases that exposes you to). Potential fwb must be trustworthy. If a fwb has a spouse, they need to be honest with him/her (we don't want an angry spouse showing up at the house and making a scene, and we don't want to tear up a family). We have accepted that some emotional involvement will happen, but we remain committed to eachother. My wife and i are best friends and lovers, and could not imagine splitting up. So far my wife has a fwb and i don't. As she is spending more time out with her fwb, i have done more household stuff. In the 7 weeks since we started this, we have talked more, had more sex, and have taken eachother for granted alot less. So far, this has been a surprisingly great experience that has brought us closer than we have ever been. There is less jealousy because we trust eachother, and i now, there really is no reason to lie about anything. I think if more couples considered having a fwb and discussed it honestly, many would never get to the point of finding a fwb, but would reap the rewards of being open and honest. Of course, to do this with success, you need to have a very strong relationship, and total honesty. There have been days that i have been lonely because my wife was out with her fwb, but i am happy for her, and she is excited for me to find a fwb. I know, it sounds strange, but we have found that what's best for us, isn't neccesarily what's considered normal in our culture. And before anyone starts defending our culture, consider the fact that until recently, our culture said "women shouldn't vote, or work, or divorce an abusive husband".

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