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Is it wrong to want him?? HELP EX VS PRIOR FLING

Published on September 9, 2012 by pinkmatter1908

My boyfriend broke up with me in May...it would have been three years in a few months. We had broke up dude to his insecurties, and him always questioning me. If i was on the phone and he called he would ask me who i was speaking to, if i told him i would call him back he would get mad, if i missed a phone call and called him back he wouldn't answer because he would be mad, then i would get 21 questions as to why i did not pick up the phone when he called. it became too much of a hassle and HE actually broke up with me. BUT I have moved away for grad school and  We started speaking again, we talk everyday and night.  We trying to work things out but not together. I asked him what "we were" the other day and he didn't really give me a answer. I went to hang out with some friends the other night males and females and my phone was in my purse. He called a lot and i didn't notice until after I got home. He doesn't really believe in male friends and that has always been a issue with us. The BIG PROBLEM is :There is a guy I once had a fling with from my home town...we still have good conversation until this day and he recently moved to my new city...I really want him bad (sexually). A part of me feels bad another part is like HEY he is the one who broke up with me... My ex's sex is okay...he isn't spontaneous, AND I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING!! I don't feel like he caters to my needs... (graduation night i wore a red thong with a HUGE silky bow on it *Victoria Secerts holiday collection* and when i walked out feeling extra sexy, he laughed and said "where did you get that" and he didnt even want to have sex o_0..I WAS LIKE WTF ARE YOU GAY) I'm really torn.. i don't even really know what i'm asking but any advice?????

ANSWERS

Dear PM,

There's a lot of danger signs in this situation.

  1. [HTML_REMOVED]He's super controlling.[HTML_REMOVED] He's not at peace with himself or with his life, so he has to be watching you, tracking every move you make. A lot of women mistake this for care and say, "Oh, he loves me! He's so interested in my life." But actually this is all about control and intimidation.

  2. [HTML_REMOVED]He's passive aggressive.[HTML_REMOVED] He plays games with you to keep you behaving the way he wants, treating you like a child: For example, he punishes you if you don't answer this phone calls.

  3. [HTML_REMOVED]He isn't interested in sex when you show initiation.[HTML_REMOVED] That's all part of his control. He wants it when he wants it. It is all about him. His needs are the important ones. His timing is the only timing that matters. His emotions are paramount to your relationship. When you want something he laughs at your wants/needs. Is this really what you want?

  4. [HTML_REMOVED]He had no male friends.[HTML_REMOVED] To me, this is one of the worse bits of your story. Men who are incapable of deep male friendships probably don't have what it takes to be in a long-term relationship with a woman. The ability to be a friend is so key to a happy relationship.

I think this guy is a control freak and the idea of self-sacrificial love isn't part of his emotional makeup. Sure, he can turn on the charm when he wants to hook you back in, but then it's all about treating you like a child and keep you under his thumb.

He needs some intense psychological treatment with a person who specializes in control-anger-abuse issues. You cannot fix him. And "trying harder" won't work.

Best wishes. You can stay if you want, but he'll slowly destroy your life.

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