YOUR VOTE

0 0

10 ANSWERS

Is it OK for my husband to secretly watch porn when I am feeling left out of our sex life?

Published on May 13, 2009 by sheila

I have been married for 4 years. About one year ago I discovered (accidentally) that my husband watches porn on a regular basis when I am out of the house. I was so hurt when I discovered this because I had felt like he was absent from our sex lives for quite some time; he was distant, rarely initiating sex with me. I had to be the one to initiate it which made me feel like he did not want me. He told me watching porn was something he had been doing for years before he met me and that it is no big deal. I was so angry at the secrecy of it all; it felt like he was having an affair and that he was taking his sexual eneryg outside of our relationship. I am somewhat shy and probably less sexually experienced than he is, but I want this to change. This whole situation has been making me feel very depressed. I have been trying to ignore my feelings because he told me that "all guys do it" and I should not get so upset about it, but I can't help my feelings. I feel like I have no control over the situation and it is making me crazy. I am not morally opposed to porn; in fact, I would watch it with him, to add some spark to our relationship, but I just don't want to be left out of his sex life. I am a beautiful, sexy woman (according to my husband); why can't I be enough for him?

ANSWERS

I think you feel like its an affair because he's kept it a secret. If it truly was no biggie, he should have clued you in and invited you in. You two need to sit down and have a talk, tell him that his secrecy about his needs makes you feel left out of his sex life and he needs to be more open and invite you into his fantasies and you need to invite him into yours. The problem here isn't the porn, it's his lying, secrecy and then trying to minimize the hurt.

I think the real issue here is that you've been feeling like he isn't interested in sex with you. You two need to work on that problem. Try talking to him and get help from a counselor if you have to. There are lots of things you can do to increase intimacy or to make things more exciting.

Porn may or may not be adding to the problem if it means he has not more umph for boinking or if it is giving him unrealistic expectations about sex. But instead of focusing on it, I think you focus on improving your sex life. Then you'll find out whether or not the porn matters. I think you might not even have been hurt to find him looking at porn if you felt good about your sex life.

The bottom line is- if it's not okay with you, it's not okay for the relationship. The best thing to do would be to sit down, tell him how you feel, and why you feel it. As your husband, he should be willing to listen, and you two should be able to find a reasonable solution so that both of your needs are met.

Sounds to me like he needs more of the kink, less expected, less mundain! Guys want porn, women want erotica and loving....."Men want a chef in the kitchen, a lady in public, and a slut in the bedroom." no it is not okay that it was a secret or that you feel deprived in the bedroom. My advice is going to be out there, but it has worked for me and all my married friends that I told to do this, and they did it.

One tell him you want to watch porn with him so you can learn what turns him on and needs, and you want him to watch erotica with you so he can learn what turns you on and need. I suggest 9 1/2 weeks for the erotica. Netflix download. Porn try Pirates of the Carrabean, notice I said erotica and porn, awesome movies; or ask him to pull up on the net what he likes, and go find what turns you on and show him. Warning: the net is a scary place and it is traceable, but a good first place to go would be www.xnxx.com notice at the top it says original layout. Click there to get to categories. (Make the agreement first, then, before you watch anything together....)

Two, then instead of talking to him get some paper. Make one for you and one for him, at the top write "Open and Honest...What is your Fantasies" and then number each 1-25. Now for some this is very difficult...point of Open and Honest. Now for you, females, make sure you name positions..doggie style, ride em cowgirl, karma sutra, toys (hard one for guys)....do it on the patio, in the kitchen, bathtub/shower, push me against the wall-standing up....what ever. (Don't sound like a romance novel!) Most of the husbands were amazed their wives had such needs, and most of the wives had no idea what Fng like a porn star meant. i.e the agreement of watching movies. As time goes by revise the list. These two things solved a lot of problems and now we have evolved to more wickedness, but we have all been married for more than 10 years-35 years and survived the 7 year itch, 10 year dull drums, and life with kids, and still have the best sex lives. :o)

Good Luck

ANSWER THIS QUESTION