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Give Advice: My Girlfriend Hangs Out With Other Men

Published on March 4, 2012 by bretski23

I love my girlfriend very much. Ive known her a long time. since I was 10. Im 23. shes just now turned 21. We've been dating for 3 months. But my girlfriend has alot of guy friends. Recently one of her guy friends I dont even know. wanted to take her to a concert. and wanted to buy a ticket to go with him. Just her and him. She was upfront with me and told me about it.I trust. her but she told after I asked her was it date? she said it wasnt. I couldn't help but act a little concerned. But she got upset. when I asked her about it? One thing that confused me was when I brought she acted like I was accusing. her of actually going on a date with this other guy whose supposedly a friend. I know hes paying for everything And Now I feel guilty for not letting her go? should I feel this way? I want her to know I trust her. Bit it just seemed that another guy I dont know Wanted to take her somewhere and pay for her to come along

ANSWERS

There are a couple of problems:

  1. You think this is an exclusive relationship; she doesn't agree. (That's okay, that's her right. That's what dating is for: to get to know lots of people.)

  2. You think you have the right to control her friendships. (You don't and you never will.)

To me it seems you have a lot of insecurity about this relationship. Your need to control her might be driving her away. Most emotionally health women don't want to be controlled. Try to learn to let go.

From the teen years to the early twenties, it's the most likely time for people to be friends with the opposite sex. The reason is that you're single and have no boundaries. When you look at established older couples, you will normally encounter couples who hang out with other couples, and more often, people will then only hang out with same sex friends.

Male/female friendships have a different dynamic. Even if they are like a brother and sister, it's human nature for the person's partner to be uncomfortable with their bf/gf having a best friend of the opposite sex. When I got divorced and started dating, I avoided men with lots of friends who were female. That's not in my comfort level. I chose a man who is on the same page as me. He doesn't have female friends. After you're an established couple, I think it's inappropriate to give your phone number or e-mail address to someone of the opposite sex. Like I said, male/female friendships have a different dynamic. It's better to do things together like attend parties with your group of friends and do couples dating.

Your dilemma is your ages. She has guy friends because of her age. It's your decision to let some time pass and see what her pattern will be. Usually when you're a couple, your friends of the opposite sex get placed on the back burner. See if you two can hang out with her friends together. Establish couple friends. As your relationship grows, maybe she'll lose interest in spending time with guy friends alone,

If she doesn't, maybe she's not the right person for you. The purpose of dating is to find someone who matches you in all the major ways. There are women out their who don't hang with guy friends. If that's your comfort level, then maybe that's the type of woman you should go for. Good luck.

I can certainly understand your viewpoint. Although it is common for many women to have more male friends than female friends, for one reason or another. You should be upfront with your girlfriend and explain how you feel about her going out, alone, which eh hem, actually was a date. If she is friends with this guy, she should not let him pick up the tab. This could send the wrong message to the guy friend. She also needs to remind him that she is in a relationship. Not to mention, if she values you and your opinion, she would limit, not completely cut out, her time with her guy friends as it is obviously upsetting to you and leaves you with many doubts about the strength of your relationship. In the future, be clear with her. Find boundaries that you both can agree with and go from there.

Great points! You have to be sure that you are both on the same page about being exclusive. In her mind, you may not be. So communicate with one another and get some clear boundaries in place about acceptable practices in your relationship. Otherwise, you two are going to have a quick and rocky relationship.

To be honest, if you two are in an EXCLUSIVE relationship, she should not be going out with a male friend alone. You are right to be concerned. If he is paying for everything, it is a date. Try to explain that to her. How would she feel if you invited your female friend out to a movie and paid for everything?

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