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Is it bad if I don't know that my boyfriend is "the one"?

Published on February 6, 2010 by txladyberd7

MY QUESTION: Is it possible for a guy to be "Mr. Right" without any gut feeling as to whether he is or isn't, and no sense of "it was meant to be"?

MY SITUATION:   I'm currently in a relationship and everything is going great.  It's only been 8 months but I feel like we've known each other much longer. Things are so easy between us. I have honestly never been in a relationship where I feel as happy and supported as I do, and it seems almost effortless.  In the past, I've always felt like I needed to work hard to maintain a relationship and would spend most of my effort analyzing, rationalizing, and trying predict how and where things were going.   My current relationship is by far the healthiest, most supportive and most fulfilling that I have ever been in .... the only issue is that I don't have a feeling that he is "the one" or  is my "Mr. Right". No "butterflies in the stomach" feeling from excitement and nervousness about the future.

I've only been in love once before, but I remember feeling it so strongly in my gut how much I wanted to be together forever and couldn't wait to get start a future. Although I love being with my current boyfriend, our relationship feels so easy and comfortable that i think my mind is satisfied not having to wonder about the unknown or a growing closeness. For example, even though we've talked about moving in together and I'm the happiest I've ever been in a relationship, I haven't once imagined our wedding or picked out kids' names in my head. I feel like I would be happy whether we get married soon or wait 10 years. I don't feel an overwhelming desire to define and plan out our lives together that I had when I truly felt like I had found the right guy.

?? Can a healthy, fulfilling, long-lasting relationship be built on friendship, comfort and ease if you are happy being together even without knowing or even feeling as if you have found your soulmate??

?? Is a relationship deeper and more fulfilling when you do feel that passionate "movie love" connection with someone (feeling that it was meant to be), than on a feeling of simple happiness because you're with you're best friend and you work so well together??

?? Am I selling myself short by staying in a relationship that i know is less likely to end in heartbreak or Should I keep taking chances until I find my "always meant to be" and "can't be without you" guy??


Well, my boyfriend and I have only been together for 5 official months (about 11 altogether), and we have gone through some circumstances that have definitely made us come together...but I am also in one of those effortless relationships, where I don't have to try to make it work, because it just does.

But the difference being, I KNOW I can't be without him. We cannot see each other very often, but we both are dying to see each other when we actually can.

I know that he is the one, and we have plans to marry ASAP.

But I don't think that this should discourage you. Love comes sooner for some people than others. If you are happy with him, then there is a good possibility you could be happy with him later.

Just don't try to rush feeling like that about him. If it does, that's great!! But if you yourself feel deep within you that you want something more--go for it. You only get one shot to live.

Every relationship is different. Maybe you don't feel the same way you did in a previous relationship but that is because you're with a different person and the odds are that you have matured since then and aren't the same person either. I honestly think it's probably a good sign that you aren't worried about the future or marriage or kids with him. You say you'd be happy if you got married soon or in 10 years, it doesn't matter. That to me means that you're truly happy with this guy the way things are and you don't want to change anything. And if you're really in love and really happy, that's all that matters.

I think the whole "it was meant to be" ideology is just movies. Do you honestly feel like something is lacking in your relationship? The "soulmate" factor as you call it? Is this honestly some tangible feeling that you don't want to have a relationship without? If so, you might be throwing away a good thing to go chasing after the improbable.

Most people I know that marry their best friends have the life-long marriages that last. The torrid passionate love affair marriages almost never last because no matter how strong and right you feel for each other in the beginning, after a while it eventually is going to fall into the comfort life together which can get boring if you had higher expectations at the beginning.

I think that if you really want to be with your boyfriend, love him and he makes you happy you should be with him. However, it's kind of unfair to be with him if you aren't fully committed. It's possible the "he's the one" factor might happen at any time in your relationship. Men don't propose to their girlfriends as soon as they start dating them (proof that "she's the one" doesn't hit them immediately). Try not to focus so much on if he's "the one" but rather all the reasons that you love him and you go together so well as a couple.

Wow, I was literally searching online for answers to my own dilemma, but it seems that we are literally, the SAME person. It is very comforting. However, considering we are in the same problem I will relay to you my advice, but I am literally in the same situation as you. Relationship: 8 months, maybe it is just something about this time.

But just like you said, I have had that moment in the past where I was so overwhelmed with passion I could barely even speak when I was in this person's presence. We eventually started dating, but he ended things. But to this day, although it has been many years, I still dream about him, and when I see him, the same emotions come flooding back.

Currently I am in a relationship just like yours! The guy is great, so sweet, I can completely be myself around him, and yet... I feel as though something is missing. And unlike you I also have a bit of a trust issue. Even though things have been great for months the old nightmare creeps up and I suspect him of lying or sneaking around.

But like I said, such a sweet guy. Massages my feet after work, will do anything I want, basically will do anything he can to make me feel happy. So... why can't I just be happy with him? I am constantly questioning and doubting us, wondering if there is someone else out there that I would be more compatible with. It gnaws at me everyday. So I am sorry I guess this doesn't really help at all, but I am trying to let you know that you are not alone.

Unlike you though, I know we aren't going to get married. But It just makes me wonder then if I should break things off now, or later? Would it be easier once I have met someone else? I just don't know.

But what I have decided for now is not to do anything too drastic in case I regret it. Because there are those days where I think I am crazy for even considering breaking up. So i guess for now unless have a clear reason as to why to end things, I am not going to. Maybe that is what you should do too...

Ugh. Im in the same delima too. Ive been with my boyfriend almost a year now and im still not sure if i love him completely. I mean, it sounds weird, but sometimes i feel like im making myself love him. But then other times, im so deep in love with him i cant stand it! I hate how my feelings change and his stay the same and he loves me so much! I know this answer isnt helping either. I just dont know what to do. My sister and best friend both have boyfriends that they just absolutly love being around and being with and their feelings are always the same about their boyfriends.

But maybe im just questioning it because i have never had a long term relationship and its new to me. Ive tried breaking up with him a lot, but he always wins me back. Doesnt that mean something?