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Is sex required?

Published on March 4, 2013 by jankantius

My wife and I haven't had sex in at least 5 years, yet we are very comfortable with each other. At least I am, but occasionally wonder if that's ok with her. I would do it if she asked but she hasn't complained. Whatcha think?


While sex and physical intimacy are great for helping a couple bond to each other, it's not a necessity - as long as both people are satisfied with the type and frequency. It's when you have a big difference in sexual drive and desires that things get extremely frustrating. Go ahead and ask your wife, though, how she feels about the ways things have been. Communication is important and (even if she doesn't have a desire for increased sex), she should appreciate your desire to make sure she's happy.

I agree that communication is important and your wife will likely appreciate your desire to make sure she's happy, with or without changing the frequency of your sexual encounters.

You didn't mention how long you've been married -- having been married myself for over 34 years, I know how easy it is to get "comfortable" with each other. Over time, sex often becomes a smaller piece of the relationship pie than it was in the beginning when strong chemistry brought and kept you together. A sense of partnership, your shared history and memories, plus shared interests and relationships with family members and others often become bigger slices of the pie as the years pass. That doesn't mean sex is not important or worth initiating when you feel the urge -- but it is sometimes sweeter when it's the fruit on top of the pie, so to speak, rather than the custard in the middle.

Finding spontaneous and natural opportunities for physical intimacy -- holding hands, hugging, kissing, massage -- that don't necessarily lead to a full sexual encounter might reignite some sexual chemistry that may just be hibernating. Taking a weekend trip to put you in a new environment where you can try new foods and see new things could also help both of you relax and result in feeling more intimate, which could lead to satisfying "vacation sex."

Once you find out whether your wife is content with how things are or whether she craves more physical intimacy on a regular basis, you can get creative about how you can both enhance the status quo, with or without sex. This is useful for all long-term relationships, married or not, and helps partnerships avoid becoming stagnant. But do keep this in mind -- if it's not broke, don't worry about fixing it!

I would talk with your wife about this more openly, I wrote an article on this very topic and many of the women blame themselves. Part of the intimacy that a couples shares is through sexual intimacy, it does not always mean intercourse, but kissing, hugging, holding, bringing each other pleasure. Have you asked yourself why you are not feeling desire?

I do agree that communication with your spouse is a must and I am vary happy to say that my wife and I have been together for over 35 years and married for 32 of those years and sex is a big part of our marriage and we know when the other so well that we usually both start our play time and that is all due to us always communicating our feelings good or bad and we do have our good and bad days but we do talk it through and work it out and with our 4 adult children and 7 grand children our life isn't always comfortable and we make sure that either her or myself aren't and that is in the good way because after 35 years my wife still drives me crazy sexually with her body she was 98 pounds when we got married and she is still 98 pounds and just as sexy but the only thing different is she now knows what to do with that sexy body that drives me crazy