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Is my husband's lack of interest in sex not normal?

Published on May 21, 2013 by brokenwings

My husband only wants to have sex once or twice a month. I usually manage to convince him to do it once or twice a week on a "good" week but he never initiates. I'm totally fed up. I want sex once a day, or at the very least every second day. We also want kids but this will never happen when we're having sex so very little.

We've been married a year, and he was a virgin whenw we got married. But he always wanting to make out (without sex) before we were married and showed no sign of this lack of interest. After we got married, this all stopped. He never tries to do anything intimate at all unless I initiate it, and 99% of the time he rejects it.

I'm tired of being rejected. I feel sexually frustrated and humiliated.

I know I'm not bad in bed. I was married once before and my exhusband slept with hundreds of women (half of them during our marriage, hence why we're no longer married) and despite all his nastiness for me leaving him, and all the horrible things he has said, he still says I'm the best he ever had.

My husband is only 28, fit and healthy. He won't go to a doctor to get testosterone levels checked (he has accused me of insulting his manliness by suggesting this may be an issue). We've seen a counsellor but she incorrectly told him that married couples normally only have sex once a week. I'm former psychologist myself and know this is rubbish - at least for married couples who have been married less than a year, are happily married and under 30 years of age. And those who it only once a week at our age either have bad marriages, or are workaholics too busy for sex or one member of the couple has some sort of physical or emotional sexual dysfunctional. Healthy, unbusy, newlyweds shouldn't be facing this.

Even on your honeymoon, which as two weeks on a tropical island with no plans, after the initial weekend at our wedding venue where sex was normal (three times in two days), we went to the tropical island and only had sex twice in the first week and then not at all for 10 days - and even then we only had sex because I had to go away for family reasons for 6 weeks and I wasn't going to go two months without any sex at all.

How can I make him see his lack of interest is not normal for a healthy 20-something year old man???

ANSWERS

Dear Brokenwings,

I understand how frustrated you’re feeling. You’re a young newlywed and it’s natural that you want to not only have sex with your husband you also want him to want to have sex with you. And because he doesn’t want sex as often as you do and also because he doesn’t initiate sex with you you’re feeling humiliated and rejected.

I’m so sorry to hear that during your previous marriage your ex-husband slept with other women and was so nasty and horrible to you when you left. I could imagine this left your heart and soul with some heavy wounds.

And I’m so sorry to hear the therapist you saw wasn’t more helpful.

Reading through your explanation makes me think there are probably quite a few things contributing to the different levels of each of your desires.

From his point of view – 1. He was a virgin when you got married. Men traditionally like being good at the things they do. And because you were married before he knew he had less experience then you (and would probably not be a “good” as you). 2. He’s already feeling ‘unmanly’ (his words). Testosterone is only part of the reason men want to have sex. They also need to feel Manly. Men feel manly when they know they are providing happiness and pleasure for the woman in their life. They know this when we give them appreciation for all of the things they are doing to make us happy. They know this when we tell them (and believe) they are doing their best to make us happy. 3. Because your feelings around the lack of sex in your marriage are so huge possibly when you talk to him (offering suggestions, solutions, etc.) he probably only hears disapproval which again contributes to the unmanly feeing. 4. He didn’t have sex with you before marriage. You didn’t mention why. Religious, respect, fear, low desire. It could be that his level of desire is truly less then yours. 5. His level of frustration, hurt and anger is escalating.

Continued in my second post

Continued from my first post From your point of view – 1. Your husband slept with other women when he was married to you. I understand he told you “you were the best he ever had.” And I can imagine that comment couldn’t make up for how hurt and betrayed you felt because of his cheating. 2. Wanting closeness, caring, sexual release and validation from your husband is normal. I’m wondering if you are aware of the wounds you might have from your marriage and believe they will be comforted by having more regular sex with your husband. It could be your level of desire is truly more then his. 3. You’re don’t feel that having sex with you (and fixing why it isn’t) is a priority to your husband. 4. You want to have children and believe it won’t happen because of his lack of desire. 5. Your level of frustration, hurt and anger is escalating.

I’d like to know if you see hope for your marriage. Do you still see the good things you fell in love with? Do you still think he’s a good husband for you? If you do then there definitely are ways to work through this challenge.

I hope you’ll write to me and let me know if what I’ve said has been helpful to you.

Coach Christine

Whoa-,like hold up here...Lol, we have to inject a man's perspective here. Let me apologize first if I tick anyone off. now that i got that out the way. This man is not one of your clients/patients where your trying to diagnose him. Even if your a pyschologist you should know better than trying to bring that BS home and trying to use it to not only belittle,denigrate, and offend your guys with this disrespectful "mind game." You are the problem and the reason he doesn't want sex as much on your terms because your calculating and condescending.An sincere apology is needed and much in order. Women can NEVER validate man, and that's what your trying to do so he has to laugh at you because by no most guys would have given you a few choice words that would hurt your feelings. It doesn't matter what reason he was a virgin, nor does it matter whether its religious or moral obligation to his families background. You are wanting sex on your terms but your coming off as very unattractive when you try to imply he has a PROBLEM, which is mental or physical. Here is the fix: He is waiting for you to stop trying to Boss him, and when you learn how to take back all those negative connotations he will eventually initiate sex. Keep in mind sex is a MUTUAL agreement between consenting adult and you are not his therapist so you need to get yourself counseling for that last husband issue before you damage this marriage.Your desire to be in control and "get in his head" is turning him off and its very destructive because you have created a pattern. He don't need Viagra he just needs you to respect him and watch your mouth with what comes out of it. All that negative baggage that you have bought with you into this new union is insulting because your trying to say that since your "MORE EXPERIENCED" and have more mileage in the sex department that your the INSTRUCTOR,FACILITATOR,PSYCHOLOGIST, and Dr. Phil which is making this man shut down. If you were as good as you say you are then your ex-husband wouldn't have found other women to be with and possibly your passive aggressive "trying to diagnose" men pushed him into the arms of other women. No disrespect, but in order to change this you may need to sit down with your guy and tell him you created this pattern where you get ahead of yourself and your sorry. You pride yourself in knowing so much that your making yourself look stupid at the same time pushing this man away.Your not his tutor. Your equals, so when you get that in your head he may decide to find you more sexually attractive, but right now your mouth and pysche is turning him off

I will first state, I did not read the other responses from those above, so this is strictly a response to your question. Based on your description, it does in fact seem as if he may have a testosterone issue. The test is a simple salvia swab testing- something I wonder if you could even do on the sly. I have considered the same thing for my husband who is otherwise very manly but in the region of sexual desire and erections, lacks. Possibly seek a new therapist or if verbal discussion of the topic is not happening, then maybe write to him? I have found that sometimes in my marriage- if verbal communication isn't successful that if I leave him a note about how I am feeling, it gives us both time to construct a thoughtful response and really think about the situation and how we are feeling.
We still have sex issues in our marriage and its so important to try and work on this very intimate part of your relationship; otherwise you will feel like you are married to a roommate/friend rather than a lover. Good luck and hope something works!

Sorry to say this but he is probably not as attracted to you as you may think. Sure, every now and again he NEEDS to have sex but to say that he probably doesn't find you irresistible is an understating. Perhaps his initial attraction to you was tied up with him being a virgin and now that's done with, the allure is fading.

You may think you are good looking and you probably are to many men but everybody has their preference. So while your husband may find you 'nice', you may not be his idea of Hot stuff that he finds sexually irresistible.

As someone mentioned above, it may not be the way you look that's dampening his enthusiasm for you. It maybe the way you 'are' especially with him that is making him lose interest.

Think about it

As for it being 'normal' to have sex 3 times in 2 days that definitely depends on the couple, sex drive and levels of attraction between them. If one or other of them isn't that into it then the amount of sex is definitely going to decrease

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