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Is my boyfriend of 2 years truly committed?

Published on November 10, 2013 by juliejulieleelee

Hello there,

I will keep this as short as I can. But some background info might allow for the best answer

We are both 21. Basically my boyfriend is great, I keep a list of all the wonderful things he does. For example, calling me every night to say goodnight and even being upset when I do not call. To worrying about my safety. His actions have always spoken the most about him. At this point, he actually wants to see me everyday even if its for 2 mins. As for myself, I am caring and want the best for him. I always try to be supportive in his school and I "usually" never nag. When I want to get my point across I think about it and try to remove my anger and wanting to blame and look for a solution to express my feelings, as I have learned blaming gets me no where.

To describe our relationship, we do not drink or go to bars/clubs. We might go for a friends event or so in a year, I would say we go maybe 3 times at most. We spend more of our time doing quality activities that allow us to develop ourselves and bond over such as taking a salsa class or checking out the zoo or biking. Even watching movie we don't really do as I see it as us really not getting to know each other better. We both agree on this, not just me, in fact we have done so many activities that some times it seems we have done everything in the book that not most couples in 2 years would have done.

The problem: He has shown that he is committed to me and I to him because we keep opposite sex relationships to a minimum as we have encountered in the past that they lead to problems. I did not want to force this on him, he came to this conclusion and I myself and we both agreed. Now, his friend who is not that great with women was asking for his help to go to bars to pick up women. I told him to go but I think that he is putting himself in a situation where it would get us into a bad place. Yes, he is helping his friend however in a place where he would have to double date essentially these girls so that his friend can get laid..I think the friend is putting him in an awkward situation asking this of him. While he can control himself I just think that this friend will require more and more of him as my boyfriend put it "its like he wants me to find him a wife" .. I have just found that getting involved this way is not a good idea especially when at a bar or club other girls will want both of them to dance etc. This is not cool with me as we have both established because he would never want me to do this to him.

So he told me how much he loves me and cares for me and doesnt want to go because it would affect our relationship AND that if he does go, that he wants me to be there. Wonderful, amazing. Now I found out that he told his friend.. I was being crazy and how I kept going on and on and now if "we" go.."she wants to come along too"

I felt very upset when I found this out. And I spoke out of anger and said some hurtful things about past events which I should not have. So he tuned me out and didnt want to bother since he thought i think he is a horrible person. I felt upset moreover that it concerned me what he was "truly" thinking. not to me, or to his friend. But I don't want for him to be resentful towards me rather than it be his own choice? Because then it will be hard. Either that or I felt like he couldnt stand up for himself. TO himself, which one is it? After bringing up the past he felt defeated and my point just got thrown out the window. I should have stuck to one thing and not done that.

I want him to not go because it is his choice, which I thought is what he said to me..but clearly not to his friend. He said yes he used me as an excuse. but overall was he just sweet talking me. It would be a disaster for him to resent me, and not his own choice and I do not want to hold him back. Can anybody advise me? I really appreciate it

ANSWERS

I can certainly understand your discomfort with the situation. But ultimately, you cannot control him. All you can do is tell him honestly how you feel in a non-accusatory manner. Ultimately, the decision is up to him.

He should not tell you one thing and his friend another. This may be a red flag that he's inauthentic to his own boundaries. If he really feels that being his buddies "wingman" is not a good idea, he should stick by that. But at the same time, young guys have a difficult time showing a conservative side to their friends. It's part ego, part pride, 100% man. It also tends to look weird if a guy is just hanging around a bar by himself picking up chicks. What would you think if you were a girl who was getting hit on by that guy? It's not right, but it is the way it is. If you continue to hound him, you will come off as a nag.

If he resents you, it will be for hounding him and not displaying trust. Don't strangle him to the point where he cannot make adult decisions about his time. You are not his mother or controller. If he truly is committed to you, you have nothing to worry about. Yes going to bars is putting himself into temptation. But if your relationship is going to fall apart, you can't keep him in your relationship by restricting his activities all the time like a child. You need to let him go. If he's really yours, he will stay yours. I have been a wingman for some of my single girlfriends when I was in a committed dating relationship, and it didn't result in me getting into trouble because I knew how to say no to temptation. But not everyone is the same. You just have to let him decide on his own who he wants to be, and then you can decide if he's still the one you want to be with. You're both still very young.

Ultimately, he needs to figure out how to stick to his boundaries and no throw you under the bus as a scapegoat when he's unwilling to admit to his buddies that he doesn't want to be a "wingman". Just let him know that is unacceptable and that you're not comfortable with it, but ultimately, the decision is his. Let him have the emotional space to make the choice and do not manipulate him into making a choice you feel is right. If he decides to go, maybe draw some boundaries to understand how he will deal with anticipated flirtations.

-YourTango Expert

Hi there, I appreciate your advice greatly.

I wanted to address some of the things you mentioned so maybe I could get a more detailed answer. He already told this friend no to going and did not go about 3 weeks ago. It recently that I found out what he said to his friend that made me feel upset. I questioned which one did he really mean moreover to himself?

He has been to bars before except it was with a group of friends and the single ones danced and he talked with others etc. However just the two of them, this friend will ultimately end up involving him because the jist of story is for his friend to go, whilst my bf observes him. I can clearly see this is impossible to observe his friend in a loud environment and is just a ploy to get him there and once in the situation be forced or pressure to go along. You are right I do not want to control him like a child. Whatever the situation is, he should be able to make his own decisions.

But in this particular case, I would imagine that going to a bar he would need my bf to wrangle the girls and have these dates or so whether it be bar or taken out of bar for round 2. It seems like this friend is asking of him to do things that essentially undermine what we have. I say this because my friend has purposefully taken me out on a double date where I did not know until the last minute where I could not exactly be a sour puss and say byebye. That in my opinion is something two single guys should do not one who is committed. Why put oneself into that temptation and IF something happens say oh that is the end of our relationship due to the fact that some slip might've happened..and say Oh whoops guess it's not meant to be. That's stupid. You don't put yourself into temptation in the first place. I don't go to clubs and walk around in a skimpy outfit and put myself into a situation where guys will hit on me on inadvertently touch me..UNLESS I am purposely looking to do so.

I have seen girls at bars/clubs ranging from prudes to ones who will give bjs in the washroom. His friend is looking for the latter... I would not tolerate my bf going to a bar or club finding skanks for his friend (great) but having other ones that he has to entertain. That just sounds plain ridiculous.

You helped your girlfriend yes. But I bet your girlfriends were not looking for one night stands, were they? The situation would be totally different. Do you not agree?

Also,

It was not so much about control as the thing is, he is not a bar person

It was more that he does not know how to effectively voice himself referring to your point of young men.

For example.

His friends asked him to take another trip to Niagara Falls and he didnt want to go because of the people and just said how I would b* at him for going again..when I had no clue

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