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Is It Over?

Published on August 12, 2014 by drea17

My bf of almost 4 years started to hang out with an old friend, who is recently divorced. Suffice to say, he (his friend) is bitter. For the past few weeks, my bf has stopped calling and texting as often, doesn't really make time for me, but makes time for his friend. I tried talking to him about it, but he gets really defensive and distant. Our arguments have gotten increasingly aggressive.

About four days ago, we had dinner plans following a day he spent with his friend. He was late and didn't tell me. In fact, when he is out, he never calls or texts. There are times when I text him and he is already out. I tried talking to him calmly about it, but he got really defensive and spent the entire night telling me that I'm insecure, needy and that I'm 95% to blame for the problems in our relationship. Also, he said that expecting him to call or text when he is out is controlling. I tried explaining to him that I just would like to know where he is, but he says that he doesn't need to let me know his whereabouts.

Throughout the argument, he said that he has grown to resent me during the course of our relationship. This was hours of him saying these things. Whenever I tried to say that he needs to change as well, he either laughed sarcastically or denied it completely.

Finally, I guess he felt guilty bc he turned around, apologized, hugged me and said he is sorry. He was so cruel during the course of our "conversation" that I said I'd rather not see him over the weekend. It has been four days and I have not heard from him.

I don't know what to think or do.

ANSWERS

Sounds like his female-embittered buddy has rubbed off on him. IMHO, let him come to you. Let me find out that you are not the needy, attention seeking lady he fears you are, and you won't put up with verbal abuse. Don't call or text him. You are valuable, and he needs to realize that. When he does come around, some serious communication needs to happen. He can't blame you for every bump in the road. And in return, maybe you need to relax your requests on his time away from you? Every person needs a life outside of their relationship to avoid smothering

Are you texting to communicate with him. When you haven't spoken. Or are wishing him to check-in to satisfy a deficit you have. Four years ain't too long to "get ghost." if his rudeness and lack of respect continues.

Hi Drea,

What do you want to do? If you want to have a good relationship with your man, I'd make sure that every contact you have with him is pleasant and on his terms. Is it fair? No. Is it effective? Yes. You have to get him to the table before you can have any constructive communication. If he's checked out every time you appear, you're not got going to get anywhere. If, when he sees you, he's happy, having fun, and feeling connected, you can talk about your issues when his guard is down and he's in a loving state. To ignore him or his concerns is not going to move things forward. To demand that your needs be met first won't either. It's not that your needs aren't important. It's that two people can't be in a crisis at the same time. When both want to Take, there is no one to Give.

Laura Giles, LCSW

Thank you for your responses, everyone. I heard from him via text and he said that he is strongly leaning towards parting ways, but he needs more time and will get back to me within a week. A week has come and gone with nothing from him. It's been two weeks now.

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