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Internet Pornography While In A Committed Relationship

Published on June 22, 2010 by whitneyroc

I have recently told my boyfriend of 3 years, especially after infidelity, that if he doesn't feel comfortable looking at something on the internet when I am there and wants to be alone to look at it--then it's cheating. I know in the past he's viewed internet pornography and naked women online, and I feel that it is a ridiculous intrusion on our relationship. It is an insult and deceitful if done behind my back. He says that "every man does it" and I argue with that not every man is in a committed relationship and there is no need to turn outward to fantasize about other women because it is wrong. I also view it as cheating now, especially after being cheated on. He claims to have stopped looking for me, but I want him to stop for himself and our relationship. How can I make him understand that it's completely unacceptable in our relationship? and most of all that it is WRONG? Since he says he's stopped looking at it, I just want him to understand that it is wrong and that he is to not look at it, without me, permanently. How would you make your partner understand?

ANSWERS

You aren't alone! There are several women in your situation all across the world. (My wife was one!)

While I understand your desire to 'make' your boyfriend understand, unfortunately, that is only something that he can come to by himself. He has to have the desire for himself to want to be a better person, better man, for him...and ultimately you.

I think there are some encouraging things that you can do. You have made it clear to him that you don't think that porn should be in your relationship. If he says he has stopped, then take him at his word for now. Yet, it could be that he has a deeper issue and is in a cycle of addiction to online porn. It is very doable to stop looking at porn for a period of time, but when life/circumstances throw a curve ball, he could be back looking again.

Encourage him to talk with other guys about porn (if he will). There are several groups for men to hang and chat it up about the destructive nature of pornography and what it has done in their lives.

If Porn has taken hold of his life, then you have to realize that it is an addiction. Much like alcoholism - and is like a sickness. You need to stand with him and help encourage him to get out of the porn trap - and not guilt or shame him - that will drive him back to the porn.

Hope that helps a bit!

I don't think looking at porn is automatically cheating, although there is such a thing as doing it too much. If you truly believe it is wrong, then he should stop for you, but you can't force him to think about it the same way you do. However, it seems to me that looking at pictures of other women isn't cheating and might be a good way to stop himself from actual cheating.

If he's cheated on you, it's natural to want him to stop because you're feeling hurt. It sounds to me like you're upset at the idea that you weren't enough for him and you want to make sure that you're the only one he thinks about in the future. Maybe the more important thing is to heal from the cheating. It might help if you don't think of the cheating as proof of something lacking in you or his love for you. Most people think about sex with other people and might want to do it, he just didn't control himself. Hopefully now that he knows he could lose you, he will change.

This kind of behavior is wrong pure and simple! And if he refuses to stop engaging in it then I would definitely end the relationship! God wants better for you than this and you CAN find it. I will be praying for you and for him as well.

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