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Insecure Boyfriend Keeps Breaking Up

Published on May 17, 2014 by tiffylove88

I've been going out with this guy for nearly four years. In the beginning of our relationship, things were perfect. But after some misunderstanding with another guy, things have been a roller coaster for us. My boyfriend always seems to think I'm going to leave him or that I'm cheating on him. If he gets mad enough, he'll cut me off and leave for a few weeks. He'll come back and we try to work things out. He also seems to be insecure about his work situation. He's struggling to find work and beats himself up if he can't pay for me. He comes up with all these creative ideas, but doesn't always follow through. He doesn't seem to be happy with the way his life is going, even though I try to remind him of the good. Most of the relationship is very good. We get along quite well and truly enjoy each other's company. He does seem to want the best for me and can be a very supportive, caring guy. I love him and I know he loves me too. I love the way he looks at me and the way he makes me feel. I love how I make him feel too. But he is insecure and he doesn't want to admit it. He had a problem with me hanging out with guy friends alone, so I stopped after some time. His sisters even seem to have a problem with how friendly I am on Facebook with other guys. They used to snoop on my page and report my actions. I honestly think they fed his insecurities. Now they don't like me and claim they don't want to be involved. I don't think they know anything about how he is, only about me. And it's funny cause they don't even try to really know me. He's broken up with me a few times over "guy issues." Now, it seems to be over some misunderstanding with a male friend on Facebook. I tried not to talk to him for a month and texted him today. He said he's dating girls 10 times better than me (he then took it back)and said he wanted to be alone. The way he ends things is so immature. I believe he wants me, but that he breaks up with me cause he thinks I'll leave or cheat on him. (He's mentioned it in the past) I don't know how to convince him that I won't. I wish he would stop being so insecure. I've tried so hard; I feel like I'm walking on eggshells at times. He says he wants to marry me and have kids with me. But then he does this. I really want things to work out between us, but I know it can't as long as he keeps thinking I will leave or cheat. How can he work on his issues? How can our relationship be saved if possible? I used to try to work on what he would complain about, but have realized it's him who has to change.

ANSWERS

He obviously doesn't trust you and sees your giving attention to other guys as a threat. I am guessing that he has some unresolved abandonment issues in his past. You may want to ask him about whether he was abandoned or betrayed in his past, if he is open to talking about it. It could even come from childhood trauma. If this is not something he is willing to look at, you will have a very difficult time helping him, and he will not be ready to get help.

The past unhealed pain will keep him from trusting you or any other person close to him. Whatever is in his past affected his self-worth deeply and will continue to get triggered in the present and future unless he works through the past pain and releases it. It is also possible that he comes from a family/culture where loyalty is of the highest value and can even be mistaken for love.

I suggest, if he is open to it, to look at EFT Tapping Emotional Freedom Techniques. It is something he can learn himself, with persistence, or he can work with a trained professional. Feel free to browse my website for information on it: www.healingwitheft.com.

well i think he has more then insecurity issues I think he also has no self confidence and when you don't have either one you will not ever be able to have a quality relationship because either he will think your cheating and every time your on the phone or a text comes in he will think it from another man even though it isn't and then you have his sisters blowing smoke up his ass. He says he wants to marry you what does he think that all his troubles will go away they wont in fact they will get worse. So even though you love him that isnt enough he need to get pro. help to work out the root cause of his issues before you should even consider marriage.

tiffylove88

First, you must determine if it is, indeed, his insecurities, or if there is a bigger reason he does not trust you. If he has reason not to trust you (and sometimes it is just intuition), you need to examine your own relationship with him and whether or not your enjoyment of male attention is far greater than your desire to vouch your love for your boyfriend.

If that is not the case, then he needs therapy to examine where his insecurities are rooted. Once he understands the cause, he can work on the cure.

Marina Margulis, CMM, CPC, New York Socials

While difficult to answer completely not hearing both sides of the story, it seems that this man has some insecurities about himself that do not allow trust in you. Often this can come from past relationships or from his family of origin that made such an impression that they are deep-rooted. However, getting another person to change is often next to impossible.

So, this being said, what do you do? Work on yourself and your other relationships and interests. Perhaps do some thinking on why you would want to be with someone that you must walk on eggshells with. Is that the way you want to live in a marriage? Good times are great, but conflict and how one handles it can make or break a relationship. And if insecurity and lashing out are how he handles hard times, this should be considered when thinking long-term.

Kim Openo LAPC C-MFT NCC Your Tango Expert Licensed Associate Professional Counselor A Place for Me Counseling Atlanta, GA

Step 1: Change your own energy about this. People use anger to manipulate (conscious or not) in relationships. Examine your own behavior honestly. Is his distrust truly misplaced? He is responsible for handling his insecurity. Process your own fear/anger/grief by putting one hand on your forehead (very light touch) and the other on the back of your head. Dive right into the misery of the problem, don't hold back. You're training your body to handle the stress of this issue differently. It's very simple yet powerful. You'll feel the tension lessen, then let go; you may also feel pulsing in your hands (if you don't, that's ok). You're done when you can't feel a "charge" (tension about the subject) anymore. Repeat when needed. This helps you practice loving detachment.

If you stop reacting, he may follow your lead if he can. For other simple techniques to help you stay true to yourself with clarity while loving another, go to https://www.youtube.com/user/jml2278.

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