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I'm 19 years old. My mother's husband is acting strange. We need help.

Published on June 13, 2012 by chrona

This isn't my husband, it's my mother's husband. She has been calling me every day telling me what has been going on in her marriage hoping she could get advice or some sort of input. I asked for her permission to put this story up and she approved and will appreciate any advice/similar stories and the outcomes.

Mother: "It was about a year and a half ago, maybe more; he would grab his phone occasionally and go either into the bathroom where he could shut and lock the door. He use to never take the phone with him. Finally I followed him to the back computer room and asked him for the phone. With an angry face he handed it to me and a woman had sent him a picture of her breasts. There will be times where he will ignore me for a week, maybe two weeks. Then everything goes back to normal. About two weeks ago, I had to work over the weekend. His job lets him have the weekends off. This gut feeling told me to look in the recycle been of his computer and I had found porn. I looked at the properties on it and it had been watched/downloaded at around 8am that Sunday morning I had left. A couple days ago, I woke up at 5:30am to grab a cup of coffee and get ready for work, I couldn't find my husband anywhere in the house. I went out on the back porch and he's masturbating. When we watch Television and an attractive woman comes up on the screen, he'll put his hands in his pants right in front of me. I took my daughter's advice, sat him down last night and I calmly asked him; "What was going through your mind when I caught you on the back porch?" He responded very upsettingly with "Shocked.. Angry." Then I asked "What about the porn, what is the reason behind looking at the porn?" He responded with "Nothing." I asked him everything I could possibly ask: Is our marriage safe, Is there anything you are lacking in sex, are you lacking sex, is there another woman, is there something I'm not doing right for you. Everything I asked was followed by the answer "No". Until I asked him "Then, why are you doing these things?" That's when he says nothing."

She also says that he's been avoiding her. She use to lay out his clothes every morning for work and make coffee for him. Cook him dinner. I'm her daughter, I witnessed this. He always gave her a kiss and said "Thank you" but had stopped thanking her for the things that she does for him. He also stopped letting her do those things for him. He's just a stiff on the couch. No "I love you's" and is not flirtatious with her but with other women. He quit having sex with her. He won't even try.


Uncertain to say without more info. The bit about taking the phone with him for secret communications had me first thinking he's likely having an affair, but as I read through the rest of your posting, that doesn't seem to fit. He seems ill.

The thing that gets my attention is his apparent compulsion to engage in risky and self-destructive behavior (even after he's already been repeatedly caught and embarrassed - he keeps doing it) and the suddenness of it - frankly he's acting bizarre. Is he still able to function properly and not act up at work and in public? Have aspects of his physical health changed during this time? Has he begun acting out in other risk-taking behaviors? Have other people noticed a change in his behavior?

I am not a medical or psychological professional, but the extreme change (and apparent suddenness of the change) in his behavior has me thinking he has a mental problem - possibly brought on by medical issues. He will likely fight you on this, but I would suggest your mother take him to see BOTH a medical doctor and a psychiatrist (yes, both are MD's, but one tends to think only of the physical and one only the mental, and neither thinks of both though each field impacts the other) for complete evaluations. There are many things that can cause suddenly bizarre behavior - substance abuse, brain tumor, hormonal imbalance (seeing an endocrinologist might not be a bad idea either), side effects of some medicine he's been prescribed, or depression/anxiety associated with Type II diabetes (which is developing in so many Americans as they reach middle age), just to name a few.

Someone may suggest he has a porn addiction. Maybe - but I think it's more often a symptom of something else rather than a stand alone problem. A moderate interest in porn is normal for many men (we're men - not eunuchs). However, if he experienced a sudden increase in his interest in porn, this is another character change that could indicate something's wrong.

Whatever you do, I'd suggest acting sooner rather than later. If his behavior is the result of some illness or condition, the sooner he can get treatment, the better.

She said this behavior he has, it's been happening spiratically without any warning for the last month. He can't quit fondling himself. He does it even if she's sitting right next to him like it's not a big deal. When he was caught fondling himself on the back porch. My mother asked "Why were you doing it?" His reply was "I don't know, it just felt good." He didn't give any explanation for the porn. He is 50 years old. Very insecure with himself; the way he look. 5 months ago he tried to hit my mother (This is the first time I heard about it so I'm irate) they were having drinks and she wanted to go out for a smoke and he didn't want her to, so he swung at her. Seems like he has some form of an anger issue.

Another thing that has me bothered is his reply "I don't know, it just feels good", It seems really bothersome and wrong. This isn't my real father, so if it is a mental illness, thank god.

He has a sex addiction. They are common these days and complex. or sex love anonymous twelve steps are good resources.

Yes, he has a sex addiction. What I am saying is that with this bizarre behavior being a rather recent and sudden development (I am making the assumption that his wife would not have married him if he were acting like this way back then), it's quite possible it's a SYMPTOM of some other problem. People don't just get violent, and suddenly start engaging in compulsive obnoxious behavior for no reason. Something's wrong with this man, and they need to find out what it is and get him help.