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IF...or When??

Published on February 4, 2010 by lost lamb

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a while now and we are extremely happy together~! We both know that we want to marry each other and we've lightly discussed marriage related topics (i.e. kids, money, ect..) The thing I'm struggling with is this...whenever the topic of marriage does come up I always say "When we get married..." and he always says "If we get married..." I asked him about it once and he told me that he didn't really mean it like that...but then how does he mean it? He's made it clear that he loves me and he says often that he couldn't live without me. So, why is it always an IF?? Or am I wrong in saying WHEN?? I don't want him to feel pressured into an engagement/marriage...I love him with all my heart and I want to spend my life with him...but, I'm really not in any hurry (although I wouldn't complain :])!! Am I pressuring him or pushing him away by always saying WHEN or is he trying to hint at something else when he says IF??

Thanks!

ANSWERS

okay, you are over thinking this. If he told you that he doesn't mean he is hedging his bets and that he does want to marry you, then take him at his word. You guys are just communicating in different ways, saying the same thing. But you are worrying yourself to death over a little word and that is going to put unnecessary pressure on your relationship.

If he hasn't complained about you saying "when", then don't worry about it. Let it go. Enjoy your relationship. There are bigger things I am sure to argue and worry about, this is not one of them.

He says "if," because he still isn't ready for that commitment and thinks ANYTHING could happen between now and then. Done sweat it and stop thinking about it... you both want to be together and know the other is "the one" for you. At least you have that, instead of, "I'm not sure."

When he is READY for marriage, he will stop saying "IF."

He might be saying "If" instead of "When" as a kind of reservation about being engaged. Maybe he thinks if he says the word "When" it would be interpreted as you guys being engaged and he wants to wait for the right moment to officially ask you.

Not a relationship expert here, this is just my 2 cents.

Maybe he can see himself marrying you, but he's not ready for it--otherwise he'd just mirror your comments.

I think I might have one of those abnormal boyfriends who is absolutely itching to get married. We would have done it yesterday if it would have been up to him. (I think we should wait until I graduate college and he finishes his Master's.)

But he always says, "once we're married" or "when you are my wife"...things like that.

I think it's good your man even says "if" at all. It's progress. Enjoy your relationship. Enjoy the moment. "When" it comes, it comes.

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