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If he were single, he may have a sex friend

Published on January 25, 2011 by canyu

Hi Expert,

My BF and I went to watch "No Strings Attached" after the movie I asked him, "if we were not dating and a pretty girl ask you to be her sex friend, would you do it?" he silent for a second thinking, and ask "Pretty?, well...man are a serious thing..." he basically responded "yes".

He is 34 years old, he had 9 girlfriends before, never two-timing, but he did have 1 sex-friend before. I'm honestly not very happy he dated so many girls before, but well, it's past, so I thought I give it a try, since he seemed to be a nice guy. I am no-one to say he shouldn't have sex with his official girlfriends, but what i'm worried is the sex-friend he had. He said it was because his back then current gf was two-timing, so he kind of did it to get back, but then he felt bad so he didn't do it anymore, probably after 2-3 times (that's what he said, but i don't know could be more). This bother me more than having 9 girlfriends. But when i heard he said he felt bad, i thought he felt bad about sleeping with someone not his gf (I now, believe it was my personal interpretation)

I asked him about his past before we officially dated.

I thought might give it a try, I'm not anyone to judge his past, i did have 2 bf before too. If a relationship doesn't work, just doesn't work. I was hoping this time will work, so we started dating.

We've been together for 1 year and 7 months. We've met the other ones parents. He has mentioned he wants to marry me, he even got the ring, but hasn't propose. He is a very nice and sweet guy. He hates and despite married man or man in a relationship to cheat on their partner. He is very strong about this thought. He doesn't hang out with guys who cheat, his friends are in monogamous and long-term relationships. I know he does want to settle with me, he continuously mentions it. He is a very honest man, no matter what i ask he will tell me. If he goes out with his girl-friends he will tell me and invite me.

He has promised and repeatedly told me that when he is with someone he blocks out all the other women. He will be loyal and faithful to me.

He has also said that although he almost married 2 of his ex before, they were mostly because it was about time and that he should, but that i'm the only one he actually feels I'm The One for him.

His actions, words and logic tells me that i shouldn't worry and should trust him. But I'm worried, should i consider this a red-flag?

Statistics and nature tells me man are ok to have sex with people they don't love, some woman too, that's the reason, I tried to accept his past, and leave the present and future by knowing him more than on paper by his past. But my question after the movie and his answer is really in my mind.

Am I living in a fairy tale/fantasy that man won't sleep with another woman unless he loves her?

If he were to be single, who am i to say no to him sleeping with whoever he wants?

I logically accept above, this past year he has prove he loves me and i do trust he will be faithful to me, but there's something in me that wanted him to have said "no"

I wonder if this is a red-flag or is just me in a fairy-tale?

I believe if someone wants to change, a 2nd chance should be given. But this chance i gave him was because i thought he felt bad that he made a mistake in sleeping with a friend he wasn't dating. For me to just realize that was my personal assumption and believe, which indeed is not true. If he were single and the girl is willing, he will have sex with her. I really don't know what to do.

He will not pay for prostitutes, but he will have sex if a woman is willing and ask him to.

Please help me!!!

ANSWERS

So, let me see you ask a guy, "if you are single and a pretty women wants to have sex with you (who just so happens to be a friend) would you do it?" and he says "yes" and that is causing you to have doubts?

If you asked a fat person who was on a diet.... "If you weren't on a diet and I gave you a really delicious chocolate cupcake, would you eat it?" What do you think that person would say?

You say your boyfriend treats you with respect, he's met your parents, he tells you when he's going out with his girl-friends AND he invites/includes you and yet you still question him.

Do his words and actions (other than you're ridiculous hypothetical question) show you anything other than he wants to be with you?

Does this really have to do with him or your own feelings of insecurity? You might want to wrestle with this b/c if you plan on marrying this guy and you keep on asking him ridiculous hypothetical questions AND you get upset when he answers honestly you are going to to be upset a lot.

I recommend never asking a question you are not prepared to hear the answer for.

Hope this helps!

Hi Canyu, thanks for your question.

I understand your confusion here. Being blunt here, you are living in a fantasy if you think men or women have sex with another only if they are in love with them. Some don't even have to know another to have sex with them. There are of course plenty of people (including myself) who have a different value system and will only have sex in a committed loving relationship.

It sounds like it may be time to establish whether the two of you have the same values in that area and can you live with it if you don't? This is very important and can be a deal breaker if the values differ. It sounds like he has been faithful to you to this point and maybe would continue since that seems to be his record so far.

I question the inconsistency of what I'm hearing though. What is his value or is he unsure. Does he value sex in a committed loving relationship only, or in any kind of relationship? He may be unclear.

The real point is that you have no control over what he does or thinks. You can tell him how it affects you and see his response. How do you fell about his response? It is up to you to decide if you can be happy with him with his values as they are. Will you accept this, or will you always be concerned because of your difference in values? Is this a deal breaker for you? Are there other issues in your relationship related to differences in values?

Please feel free to email me if you want to discuss this further. pyp5@me.com

Best wishes,

Linda :)

Dear Canyu, I can understand that your boyfriend's answer bothers you, however, he may have thought it better to give you an honest answer than to make one up that wasn't true. But please remember that you gave him a "what if" question - which included what would he do if he wasn't with you. He gave a response that many people would consider reasonable. It really isn't fair to judge him by something that isn't happening right now - or in the past, either. If you want to be happy in your relationship with this man, you might find it is more productive to stay focused on the present. What is happening between the two of you, right now? Work on improving the communication you have - perhaps learning speaker-listener technigues and "time outs" during conflict - and sit down with your boyfriend and discuss your core values about relationships, money, children and everything else. This is good preparation for marriage, if that is what is in store for you both. And if not, it will give you skills you will bring to your next relationship. Probably another good thing would be to focus back again on the positive aspects of your relationship, because it sounds a little as if you are now running a very negative story around and around in your mind. That's a fast track to unhappiness and insecurity! Good luck!

What would bother me more is his hanging out with female friends. He should no longer be doing that at all since you two are exclusive. Opposite sex friends need to go on the back burner when you're not single and in college anymore. I would put at least another year or more into this relationship before deciding on marriage. He seems a little immature to me. That'll give you more time to ensure a lifetime relationship.

If you cant handle the answer dont ask the question because you must have forgot that you asked him if the 2 of you wernt dating and a pretty girl aked him to be her sex friend would he and I would say if he said no would have been more of a concern because he would most likely be guy. And i bet you the type of person that would ask how you look in a pair of jeans and when he answered and it was in you favor you would get mad.

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