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I think my best friend and I have feelings for each other?

Published on February 20, 2012 by little_loki

I've been friends with this guy for 2 years. We dated when we first met, but I rejected him. About a year later I developed a crush on him and he rejected me, saying he only saw me as a friend. We've never even kissed, but we have this history of sexual/romantic tension. After I told him I liked him, we stopped hanging out for a few months, but became friends again this summer. Since then, our friendship has become like a relationship in every respect except that we don't have sex. We talk every day, hang out 3-4 times a week, I stay at his house (never sleeping in the same bed. We did that in the past but I requested to sleep on his couch this Fall and I've continued to do so), we've planned a trip abroad for this spring, we go out to dinner and he pays, he listed me as his emergency contact, we flirt, he tickles me and pokes me, etc. etc. He makes comments referring to us as a couple, for example the other night we were making silly faces and he joked that someone watching us would think we were a perfect couple and meant to be. We joke around ALL the time, so I never really respond to these comments because I assume he is just trying to eschew the odd nature of our friendship. He also makes sexual comments, but again I just don't respond because I often don't know what to make of them. He used to date a lot, but he hasn't gone on many dates at all in the past few months, and he never talks about girls to me. He also turned 30 last year and he's been talking a lot more about having kids and settling down and that sort of thing (we both want kids).

I'm not sure how to feel or what to do. We get along so well and we have so much in common, and I feel like he understands me better than anyone. But I don't want to mess up our friendship. And even though it really feels like he has feelings for me, I could be wrong. When he rejected me last year, it hurt and it messed up our friendship for awhile, and I don't want to go through that again. I think, If he liked me now, wouldn't he just say so? At the same time, I know when I rejected him 2 years ago, he was pretty hurt by it. So maybe he's also afraid of rejection again? And maybe he thinks I wouldn't want to be with him after he rejected me last year? Please someone help! I'm not brave enough to put myself out there, but I need to know what to do! Is there a subtle way to find out how he feels once and for all? I've really just tried to ignore this situation for so long, but I don't think I can anymore, and it's all I can think about lately. Thank you for any advice!


You have to take emotionals risks to have a great relationship. Both you and your "friend" seem to want to take the least risky path by hanging out and being a couple in every way but sexually. But here's the reality of the situation - your friendship is doomed. Yes doomed! If one of you meets someone new and begins a romantic relationship, there's no way the third person will tolerate what you currently do - sleeping over, seeing each other so frequently. It's all over with at that point.

It's true that men and women can be friends (after one or both marry someone else) but only if there's no lingering sexual tension, and of course, your contact is going to be infrequent. No more pajama parties.

Sooner or later, that's going to happen, so continuing to spend so much time together and falling in love with someone like this is HIGH risk. Why not go ahead and acknowledge the risk? Why not go ahead and ASK HIM how he really feels about you? You're going to find out eventually anyway, either when he starts dating someone else, or when he gets the cojones to tell you he's in love with you. Why wait? Carpe diem!