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I need help to stay away from abusive man I love

Published on June 6, 2012 by maisey464

I met Ben, he was a best friend to me for a year, then we decided we wanted to start a relationship.  It was perfect, we continued to be mates and our love grew from there.  He works hard and is great with the kids, listens to them, works out thier problems with them teaches them responsibility.  He even built an extra bedroom on the house as a birthday surprise for my oldest.  He has spent alot of time and money and effort on me, the 3 kids (not his) and our home and garden.  We go out together and have great laughs, and he encourages me to go out and enjoy my own interests and compliments me, looks into my eyes with real love, despite what peole will say once they read to the end of this, i know that he does love me truely you cant fake that look and i catch him all the time looking at me when he thinks i cant notice it.....Sounds PERFECT right, well for the most part it is.  However, sometimes we row, mnostly because he likes to go out to the pub, for one after work, this one ends up being more than one, sometimes his half hour to see a man about a job ends up being a 4 am come home drunk.  We would argue about this and he would say i am controlling always wanting to know where he is what time he will be home etc, that i knew what he was like when we were friends.  I guess I did, but he did say before he moved in that things would be boring watching tv that we wouldnt afford to go out all the time like we did as mates etc, so part of me thought that it would be different.  Anyway, these arguements started to get grabby, he would grab me and pin me on the wall, or push me, then it evolved into, strangling, pinning me in a chair and eventually came banging my head off the wall while he had me pinned.  Then I remember the first hard slap, across my face.  This is a big strong man, that does manual work.  Eventually over the period of a year i remember being punched in the back hair pulled and dragged down the stairs and locked out of my own home where my kids were sleeping, (he would never hurt them) and my ears ringing from being hit round the head so much.  On saturday, he was meant to come home for a planned romantic meal, he went to the pub, when i called he said cant i go out for one after a long week at work, this one ended up being many, he didnt get home till half 4.  at 10am i confronted him, we argued, i got grabbed, pushed, strangled, and in the kitchen while he was buttering toast, i asked him to leave.  (i was angry i love him i didnt really mean it) he grabbed me by the throat, saying stop shouting at me, how would you like it etc, he still had the butter knife in his hand, i was really scared.  he realised and threw it across the kitchen and said dont be stupid i would never do that to you, and when i said you didnt even realise, how bad you could have hurt me, in his frustrations he punched me.  Its been 18 days and i still have the bruise showing.  I called the police.  They came, arrested him took statements and he ahs been bailed to not have contact with me or the children.  Its been almost 3 weeks, so why oh why do i want to call him, see him, why am i thinking that to live with the rows and violence every 6 or so weeks is worth it, that this feeling of emptiness is not worth being without all those loving happy times.  Why do I still want him, even tho my head says dont be silly next time he could kill you or next time the kids might try to step inbetween, all the violence up untill the last one, the kids were unaware.  So they are also crying for daddy ben and wanting him home etc.  How can I get over this and stop feeling like this.  I live in a small village, away from family and only have a couple of mates nearby that dont go out etc so no social life or friendship without ben, I miss the friendship as well as the family relationship.

ANSWERS

You are asking the question that all abused women ask, "Why do I keep coming back to a man who is violent and abusive?"

You go back because he has day-by-day destroyed your self-esteem. He has taught you that you cannot make it on your own. He has made you doubt your judgment. He has isolated you from friends and family, and now you believe you are helpless to get out.

This is the familiar pattern in every abusive relationship.

Abusers add to their cycle a "honeymoon phase," the sweet times that keep you in the relationship. But have you noticed that the honeymoon period is less and less frequent and shorter duration?

Abusers are weak and insecure people, and so they must put you down to keep you under control. There is no win-win in a relationship with an abuser. That isn't their goal. (That's a normal person's goal for a relationship; but it is not an abuser's goal.)

Trying harder will not work.

  1. Do not engage in arguments.
  2. Do not defend your actions.
  3. Do not explain where you were or what you do.

I would recommend you cut the umbilical cord. Cut the anchor. Let the boat drift away. I assure you that you are actually the stronger one in the relationship. You are the person who holds everything together. Without you he is weak and frightened.

By walking away, you are giving him a great gift: PAIN. He needs to feel pain so that he is willing to go to therapy and do the core work to rebuild himself. Some men do this, but most just go off and find a new victim to abuse.

Your children -- just by watching -- are victims just as much as you are. Time to bring it to an end. You can make it on your own. I've seen two women this year do it. Six months ago they were frightened, nervous, and jumpy...always worried about every phone call and text message.

Today they are smiling and confident, and proud of what they did for their children. They were far stronger than they thought.

Good luck.

Please find a support group for abused women that is led by someone who really knows domestic violence. This group will give you a lot of strength and courage.

Thank you, for your reply.

You are right, about the fact that the children are victims too, and I am determined to be strong even though I feel lost and alone.

I have just contacted a group called Splitz and they are going to organise some help and support for me, with someone else who has come through the other side of this. My friends and family tell me to just get on and stay away and it will be ok, that they never liked him etc etc. Its very nice of you to give me a frank honest and unbiased opinion.

I took pictures of the bruises and the police said keep looking at them when i feel weak, This combined with your answer and support give me the hope I need right now. Thank you also for saying I am the strong one, I don't feel like it as I know from friends he is out having a good time in pubs etc and I am at home lonely and crying.

It going to sound strange but you know that bit in finding memo where dory sings, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, I keep repeating the mantra, just keep strong, just keep strong....

I dont understand why I still love this man, it really makes no sense to me.

It's very normal for you to feel love for him. And you will have a lot of 2nd thoughts over the next 6 months especially.

Be prepared for the loneliness and the waffling. You will "forget" what he's done and will want to get back with him. You'll want to sweep it under the carpet.

My advice is to "lean into the loneliness" -- just let it wash over you. Feel it hurt and let it do its worst. It's like a tidal wave of pain, but it does go away. It won't kill you.

An old pastor friend of mine once told this story: A man was driving the long hot desert stretch across Nevada and his car broke down. He was disgusted and left it there and hitched a ride home. Six months later he started missing the old car. He remembered it fondly and all of the good times he had with it. My pastor asked, "When he goes back out to the desert what will he find? What has changed other than the passage of time?"

Always a good thing to remember. Your kids will thank you for it when they grow up.

Right now, they too will feel sad and lonely, but someday, they will look you in the eye and say, "Mom, thank you. You did the right thing."

I hope you can stay strong maisey, it looks like you are courageously moving out of this highly destructive relationship. Take note of VetteG's advice, it's spot on. Make use of your friends and family, anyone who cares for you will want to help. If you feel yourself wanting to move back to this creep, remember that you are working to keep your kids safe emotionally and physically.

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