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I made a big mistake and don't know how to fix it!

Published on October 7, 2012 by mareea

Hi,

This summer I started a relationship with a guy in my home country, 2000km away from where I currently live. Although he was sometimes difficult to deal with (he would expect me to read his mind instead of just telling me things or he would very rarely truly open up to me), we fell madly in love with each other and our relationship was overall very beautiful, which made my departure heartbreaking to both of us.

We decided that we would break up (since we didn’t think a long distance relationship would be realistic), but that he would visit me this Christmas holiday. We haven’t been communicating much (he is very busy and not a big fan of texting/emailing) and I’ve been trying hard to keep things alive between us.

One day though, I made a very big mistake in my attempt to convince him to finally buy his plane tickets to come and visit me. I told him that he should come, otherwise I’ll go on holiday with some other guy who invited me. It was meant as a joke, since I would never consider being with anyone else at the moment, as I am still crazy about him and believe will be for quite some time. I guess that subconsciously I also thought that I would make him a bit jealous and that would help hurry his decision to visit me – very childish, I know!

He didn’t really say anything about it for a few days, but last night he confessed that it really upset him and that he thought there was more between us than that, that I made him feel like I don’t mind whether I spend my holiday with him or some other random guy (which is completely untrue). I tried my hardest to explain that it was a joke and that all I want is to be with him and no one else. He seemed very reluctant to believe me and when I asked him whether I’ve now lost him, he said that I kind of have.

Apparently he was just about to buy his tickets when I told him the thing about the other guy and afterwards he even mentioned to his mother why he doesn’t really want to see me anymore. I apologised for my bad joke and insisted that it was nothing more than that. He said that he will think about it, but I really fear that he will not think I am worth it anymore – why should he come visit me, get all crazy about me again, then leave, just so I could go on seeing other guys? That is of course untrue, but how do I prove that to him?

How do I make him believe me that he is the only one for me and that I intend to stay true to him? I am so worked up about this, I can barely think of anything else and it’s impacting my university work. Any advice from someone impartial to all this would be so appreciated! Please help!

ANSWERS

Come clean and be honest that it wasn't a joke, it was about you wanting him to make a commitment to you (or whatever you believe your true motivation was in saying that). We know, this isn't the easiest thing to admit and you can explain to him that you didn't even realize that you were trying to manipulate him and make him jealous until later.

The more authentic you can be with him and the more you own your mistake, the more he'll be able to believe you.

It's important not to get defensive or to play any more games. Be open and honest-- these are essential to any relationship and especially a long distance relationship.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

From your description this man sounds selfish. It sounds like only one of you "fell madly in love" and that you will, eventually, be happier without him. What is it about him that makes you love him? Can you list 4 things? Do not judge him by the man he was when you met him, because at the beginning most men will try to be everything they think we want. There has been enough time gone by between the day you met him and today, you have seen the real man behind what he wanted you to see in the beginning. You must judge him by who he is since you have gotten to know the real man.

Besides, you guys broke up. You dont say whether he was the one that: A) agreed to a break up or, B) was the one who initiated the break up. But it does not matter because ultimately you guys broke up. For whatever side of that fence he was on at the time of discussion about breaking up, he could have either said no, he does not want to break up, you guys could have found a way to make it work if both sides work at it. You can not be the only one in a relationship trying to make it work. It will not work unless both sides work at it. You mention it wasn't realistic, I do not understand that excuse. You say it yourself that he is too busy to call you and not a big fan of texting or e-mailing. That is a sorry excuse. There is always time of a 3 minute phone call just to say hi. He can call you when he is sitting on the toilet - I'm sure he has 3 minutes there and then. It's not meant to be funny, just to give you an idea of how easy it is during the course of our day to make a quick call, text, or email.

And yes, you were childish when you tried to get him jealous. Someone who does not care very much to begin with will not get jealous. I believe this was his "out". It was his way of turning your "issue" around on you so that he does not have to deal with you anymore. Maybe he didn't want to hurt you and this was his way to be done with you. One thing came out of this is that you learned not to try to make someone jealous. It is a terrible feeling to have and a terrible thing to make someone else feel. I also don't believe he ever had the intention of buying a ticket to come visit you. Maybe he didn't want to hurt you by telling you he is not in love with you anymore and so he is taking this opportunity to let you down easy.

Why would you want to be with him? Don't you want to be with someone who makes you feel special? Someone who will call you "just because", even making up a silly reason why he is calling. Someone to put a smile on your face, even if they are miles away and cant see it. Someone who insists that a long distance relationship will work because you both want it to. And because you are, just, worth it.

I am going to ask you a questions, you need to be totally honest with yourself as you are answering. Because, you already know the answer to your question but, you seem to need to have confirmation from and outside source.

First question: What part about being in love are you in love with? This is a simple question really, because if you re read your questions you will see that he is not all that into you . Any young beautiful woman that has met the man that is her match, does not have to work so hard at getting his attention.

If truth be told, nothing should of been in his way to getting the ticket to visit you. It really does sound like he has been telling you all along, I do not want to put a lot of energy into this relationship but, if you do I will play until I get bored.

Sad as that may sound. There may have been passion in your relationship, but, there is much more to relationships than just passion, there are those day to day things that two people should love to share, talk about ones day with that special person who simply likes to listen.

It is quite unique the way he has turned the table on you to make you feel guilty. Go watch that movie , " He's not all that into you ." if you are honest with yourself, you will see several scenario's that will apply .

Open your heart to let someone closer to you that will do things with you because he wants to be with you . Let that someone share his day with you as you share your day with him.. That is what you should want out of love.

Do not settle for anything less than a perfect match. None of us can teach somebody to be what they are not. Any one that tries ends up spending their lives being very controlling and unhappy. Let your heart heal sweet one and find a more perfect match for you... he is really out there ...

Thank you so much everyone for your answers!

Looking back on things now I can tell I was over-reacting, since it's pretty clear he wasn't in love with me. I came clean about everything, I told him that I tried to judge by his reaction to what he said whether he really likes me or not. Things seemed to be ok afterwards, he accepted my apology and he said he'll come over.

Since then however, I tried making contact several times and he was more and more withdrawn. I know he might be busy with university, but in the end if he really wanted to talk to me he would, and we haven't spoken in weeks. I stopped fighting for him and I assume he won't be visiting me even as just a friend.

I was quite confused at that time and your answers really helped me get my feet on the ground, so thank you so much!

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