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I have limits, how can I make him respect them?

Published on May 10, 2009 by lolharhar8d

I feel like I'm one of few people left in this hedonistic, secular world that wants to preserve their purity--not that having sex is a bad thing, of course. ;P But when I'm hooking up with a guy, he automatically thinks that we'll be having sex somewhere down that road. I hate that guys (for me, at least) think that making out will inevitably lead to sex. I've been able to stop the past ones, with the exception of one guy...and that was just a really traumatic experience for me. And as for the others, afterwards, they just kind of forget about me.

The problem is, I don't know HOW to stop them... it's just so awkward, like, "Sorry, I'm waiting until marriage."? What a sentiment. And the fact that the guys stop pursuing me after I stop them from going too far just tells me that I'm only seen as good for sex and sex only. Is it just a matter of finding "the one", i.e. the guy that will respect my limits and not be completely deterred by my abstinence?

ANSWERS

I think you're leading them on, and then when they realize that they aren't getting any...they bolt. So, I would tell the guy up front that you're not interested in having sex at this time in your life, and see how he reacts. However, I would find it rather awkward if someone made out with me and then told me I wasn't getting any... So, put yourself in their shoes.

However, I have a question...No pun or offense intended, but if you've had sex before, how are you classifying purity?

It's too bad the guys think that making out will always lead to sex and absolutely horrible that one guy seems to have raped you. Women should be free to do what they want to and stop when they want to.

I think, though that you're going to have to find a way to let guys know what the limits will be before you start making out. Then if they don't like it, they can leave. Eventually you will find a guy who is interested in you as a person and is willing to wait.

Just a thought - but do you think your bad experience has made you need to stop more? Have you gotten all the help you need?

I'm a little confused about how exactly people define "hooking up." I had the impression it meant you were being sexual with someone you aren't in love with. Nobody should ever have to do something they don't want to and people should be free to make out and stop. However, if you want to be pure, maybe it would make sense to only start making out with people once you're in a more serious relationship. Getting to know guys before you make out might also help you to be sure they are trustworthy. But maybe I don't quite get how you're using "hooking up." (And I think the guy who didn't stop is a jerk no matter what.)

You need to tell these guys that how far you plan to go (or not go) before the moment. I think, as brokenglass911 stated, that you appear to be a tease (intentional or not). Just be up front and you will find a guy that respects what you want and still enjoy your company.

To start, I don't care how much of a possible tease you may be (and I'm really not getting that vibe here) no man has any reason ever to go beyond whatever stopping point a woman sets, whenever it happens. Yes, it can be physically frustrating for a guy to stop after a really good make out session, but that still doesn't give him carte blanche to do as he pleases. I say this because I have been on that end of getting really hot and bothered and having to put the breaks on, and those women weren't teases or any such things.

Lack of sex can be a deal breaker for a lot of guys and gals, but that doesn't mean that you should feel like you are simply a sexual object. The path you've chosen for yourself is not an easy one, and finding a guy that is understanding and respectful of that won't be terribly easy. It does, however, help you weed out a lot of guys that you don't need to waste your time with. Be up front about it as early as possible and keep in mind that some guy's need to have sex with his girlfriend before marriage is a deal breaker for you. This is about your needs, wants, goals, and comfort level. I would definitely advise that you should let these guys know about it before any heavy make-out sessions.

I'm agnostic, and I once dated someone that I believe grew up with some very fundamental protestant beliefs. She was very clear that she would not have sex before marriage, and that she couldn't marry someone that was not of the same religious beliefs and dogmas that she believed in. So why did we date? For fun mostly. We made out, she slept over occasionally, and we had some very intense debates and discussions. When we both were satisfied in what we wanted with each other we split and stayed friends. Now, its not to say that I didn't want sex...I LOVE sex, but I can respect another person's boundaries regardless of how worked up I get. So don't let someone else accuse you of being a tease. Be in control of who you are and let your expectations be known, that there will be no sex, regardless of how hot the make out session is...and you'll still get some guys that will think they can work past that. To the possibility of another man forcing himself on you...I'm truly sorry that you went through that, and while there really isn't any fool proof way of ensuring it doesn't happen again, your best defense is to make sure that the guy you are with will respect your boundaries before allowing you both to get too physical. Yes, it will take time, but you are in control of that. Being upfront and establishing your boundaries is exactly what you need to do. Eventually, you'll find a guy that not only fully understands that, but also fully appreciates that.

Since you have limits, respect them. If you don't want sex, then perhaps you should state that before you go on these dates. Don't touch a man you don't want to sleep with, period.

If you're making out, you're sending the wrong message. Making out is foreplay, 90% of the time foreplay leads to sex.

I wish you luck, just remember to keep yourself safe. Men often think women are only here for sex, and sex alone. The fact that you've never had it will be a factor for them to try to have sex with you; just keep yourself safe.

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