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I have fantasies about a mutual good friend of myself and my boyfriend, how bad is that?

Published on October 26, 2013 by feelinguilty08

I've Been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now he's lovely,treats me really well and before we went out we were best friends for a year. Now our mutual friend I have also known for the same period of time as my boyfriend we are very close have similar sense of humour and get on extremely well. Now he went out with one of my closest girl mates last year but that's been over a while now. So as you can see there is a lot of history here. I've been finding my relationship with my boyfriend has become quite ordinary and boring. I'm somebody that craves a lot of excitement and adventure in my life. Our mutual friend and I have been recently hanging out and like I said we get on extremely well and we've had a lot of fun I don't think he looks at me in the way I'm starting to look at him. And I'm not expecting him too as he's my boyfriend's good friend so I don't think it would have even crossed his mind. I just feel so bad thinking about my mate like this and that I'm so bored in my relationship. But I have developed these feelings for my best mate and I know it is wrong to act on them but it's hard to dismiss them when you're unsatisfied in your relationship. I love my boyfriend and he means the world to me I just don't really know what to do!.


This is terrible. The moment you felt this way you should've broken up with your boyfriend. Your essentially leading him on. Mentally cheating on him. If you don't want to be with your boyfriend and you do want to be with his best friend (which is even more messed up) either just act on it or break up with your boyfriend and don't act on it. The more you wait the more hurt your boyfriend will be.

You need to decide if it is worth working things out with your current boyfriend or not. Do you think if you communicated things could improve?

About your feelings with your mutual friend, I would say he is off limits, whether you want to keep seeing your current boyfriend or not. You need to think of the costs if you did want to pursue something there, because it would probably mean that your current boyfriend would lose his girlfriend and friend.

It is natural for the romantic feelings you have had for your boyfriend to ease and slip into boring, routine or flat. This experience is part of the natural evolution of relationships as they shift from romantic love into a deeper "true" love. It is a signal that your relationship is evolving into a new stage where the two of you will begin to find fault with each other...things are no longer "perfect" and the energy flattens out.

I recommend you and your boyfriend go to: and put in your zip code and find an Imago therapist in your area. Imago therapists know how to help you navigate these difficult waters in couplehood that can allow the two of you to stay connected thru this process. Reading the book: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix may also help you.

The other thing to know is that couples are often experiencing the same sensations in their relationship. So, if you can ask him if he ever feels bored and suggest you and he speak about it together - both of you sharing your own experiences without judging or reacting to what the other says, you may find out more clearly what each of you is missing and longing for. If you attempt to discuss it and it does not go well, I again recommend you seek an Imago therapist.

I wish you the best with your relationship!