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I have 2 questions:

Published on February 6, 2012 by crissam12

Question #1:

I have been talking on the phone/texting/traveling back and forth to see someone who lives out of state. He is someone I dated in high school (I am now 50+ years and so is he). We have re-connected and have come close to being engaged. There is a ring on hold right now at the jewelry store. He has told me that he has always loved me and always will and wished we married when we were young. We have developed a great relationship now, but there is something that is bothering me. There was a time when we have had some rocky times (long-distance relationships are very hard). During that time he and I seperately put up profiles on dating websites. I have not connected with anyone at all and I have told him that I have profiles up. He is still looking on the site and checking it out pretty regularly. With us almost engaged, this makes me feel funny. To me, it's almost like a red flag, but I don't know if I should take it that way. Could you give me some insight as to your opinion of this? We have both said that once we're married - we will take down our profiles.

Question #2:

The same man wants me to move to his state. If we marry, that will have to happen and I realize that. I live with my elderly mother (who would move with me) and there are many details that need to be taken care of for her sake and I'm still not sure about marrying. So, I have drug my feet on buying plane tickets and packing, etc. He is ready right now for me to move to his town. He's been asking for a long time. A few days ago he told me on the phone that he was not going to call me again until I bought plane tickets. I didn't know if he really meant it. But I am finding out that he is serious. We have texted and talked that way, but he won't call and I can't call him. So, now communication has basically ended. This feels like a game and it is making me seriously reconsider our relationship. I don't think he knows it, but he just shot himself in the foot. It makes me want to start connecting with other men to see if I can find someone who is a little more mature. Am I wrong in feeling this way? Please help me understand what he is doing or what I should do? I'm very confused.

ANSWERS

Crissam12, I am SO glad you're paying attention to the "red flags"!! How much better to take a closer look now, than to not realize there may be a problem until after you're married.

To briefly answer your questions...

  1. I encourage you to pay attention to the signals your man is sending by having active dating site involvement at the same time he's "pretty much engaged" to you. This does not sound like someone who is completely committed. But rather than make assumptions, get your feelings hurt, or just guess that he isn't committed, how about asking him straight out? I'm all for second chances, but I'm a great supporter of being bluntly open about concerns BEFORE marriage. Having been through rocky times does not justify still playing the field, unless you both agree to such a scenario. Talk about it.

  2. Your second questions concerns me mightily. I'm wondering why there is an assumption that you are to move to his state? Especially since you are caring for your elderly mother, why can't he move to your state? I'm hoping there is more to the story that makes this make sense...

However, the greatest concern is the game (yes, its a game) that he's playing to pressure you into buying plane tickets. A real (healthy, mature) loving relationship does not demand, does not coerce. Instead, it invites, come toward, and seeks to "out-give" the other. The insensitivity shown by pushing you to move immediately does not show any understanding of the enormous logistics involved in moving your elderly mother as well. And it seeks to punish you by his withdrawal of attention/affection if you won't do things his way. This is a rather frightening picture of his method of getting what he wants, and I fear for your emotional health were you to go ahead with the move and the marriage.

If you DO decide to move ahead, please get some substantial coaching/counseling for you (both of you together would be great!) so you can protect your heart from someone who may be manipulative and selfish. Having lived this long, you really do deserve to be treated with respect and unselfish affection!

It appears that this man has control issues. It would benefit you to be very clear on what your values and beliefs are regarding the man to whom you want to commit the rest of your life. These are serious red flag issues. Do not settle for less than what you really want in terms of a relationship. With this man it might benefit you to go on your balcony and yell Next!

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