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I don't know what to do.
Hey my names Becky I really really hope this is private but I don't know what to do anymore.
Okay enough rambling I guess. There's this guy lets call him Jake? Anyway we met on a dating site about 17 days ago?
Anyway at first we were talking none stop and planning our date, which never happened because his car broke so he had to get a new one and had to get it ready for the MOT the day of our date, I think he has been under alot of stress with money and worrying about his car so I try to cheer him up as best I can, He's a great guy maybe to good to me maybe thats why I'm worrying and probably just over thinking things as usual, but I remember he stopped talking for 3 days when trying to buy a car because he was under alot of money stress he still talked but it was just the ocasional hey and how you doing ect. and I guess I was just so used to talking constantly I thought he wasnt intrested anymore it was also when I realised I had fallen for him because it was killing me not hearing from him, we havent talked that much since but we have been on skype to each other every other evening? well it varys he works late sometimes to 2am I'm not tired when I'm speaking to him when I'm on cam to him I just get so happy I forget about everything else and its like I get a sudden rush of energy, anyway we have both been tempted to say I love you while on skype he told me he nearly did the other night but he was scared to because he always says it to soon and things seem to go wrong and I confessed that I nearly said it aswell and admited I'm scared on jinxing something bad hapening so we both know how we feel about eachother I think, well Im not sure if he really does love me because well this is the bit that I was hoping would be kept private, (also we havent actualy said I love you to each other yet, I'm not even sure what our relationship is my freind recons he's going to be my boy freind soon and all that but obviousley I havent physicaly met him, but I'm in love with him I know it sounds stupid and I know it could just be infatuated and not love, but I love everything about him, his personality, his reclessness, his carefullness, his inteligence, how ambitous he is and well I don't think theres anything I dont like about him apart from how he barely speaks when stressed)anyway I cant tell anyone this because I know they will freak out, he knows I have never had sex and my best freind has warned him to not put me under any presure to have sex, but he was feeling sad and I really wanted to cheer him up and he said if I showed him my boddy it would keep him happy for days so I showed him myself naked... I feel like a right whore admiting it but thats not even the worst part I let him talk me into well fingering myself on cam to him which I have never done before let alone on cam so he just told me what to do and at first I was really nervous and embarassed but eventualy it was like okay he's seen just get this over with, make him happy, do what he tells you 2, just make him happy. in the moment I partialy shut off, and we have spoken since but not properly, (this was about 3 nights ago now) he said if he wasnt to tired then he would go on skype to me last night but he went out with his mates and send me a message saying he was drunk at about 1am by which time I had fallen asleep waiting for him. but I do love him still and in a way I'm glad if he's used me because he's not used me for phyical sex technicaly anyway I know he is stressed because his car is in the garrage and he might not get it back till monday (tomorow) and he took it in on friday I know hes done this before getting stressed and stoped talking but I can't think of anyone else and I'm going out of my mind and having to fight back tears I dont want to be a swinging door not again I cant handle that again but he is all I think about, it doesnt matter what I do, weather its swimming, exersizing, hanging with freinds, talking to family, listening to music, writing, playing guitar, video games nothing can take my mind of him and its killing me inside, we both have some mental health isues and we are both aware of them, he has insomia, autism, anger managment and dislezsia, and I suffer from PTSD, he knows Im on meds and somtimes makes sure Ive had them ect. and he said if I ever felt like ending my life to tell him or my freind and he would come straight down to where i live wich is an hour drive away from where he is but obviousley he cant at the moment because of his car and the fact that we havent even been abel to have our first date yet, and I don't think I can tell him that he's hurting me because just a message from him saying hi makes me happy but then he will take forever to reply seriousley he just sent me a message saying hi so i said heya and in the moment I thought about not sending this question because of how happy I fealt when I got his "Hi" but now I'm sad again because he hasnt responded and the amount of times I will be super sad abut him then reveive a message from him and in the moment my eyes light up and I'm over joyed but then I end up throwing my tablet or phone on my bed with frustration confusion and sadness, I don't know whats best to do should I nip it in the bud before I fall for him even more? or risk him taking my v card then just making me feel like a whore like im feeling right now its not like hes called me one its just how hes acting is making me feel like one, but it is early days still should I wait untill we have actualy met? then decide what do I do because my heart is breaking and I feel so alone, I promiced myself I would not fall in love again so easily after the last guy messed me about (my first love for 4 years) he was part of the reason I ended up in a mental hospital, well Ive been in a few but that was last year and its to late to turn of my feeling for this guy now, I remember feeling so scared when I was getting closer to him and now I know why, maybe me and love just doesnt mix, I've had a few guys flirting with me (one an ex) who wanted to get back in touch with me but I told him that I would love to talk to him if he could pretend we never dated just because I was seeing this really nice guy and just wanted to be freinds with him he saw my reply and never messaged me after that, I don't want to say no more to this guy because of how much I feel for him, and he has said a few little hints that he would like to be more like when I said maybe if we get serious I would tell my family about him and he replied "If? :(" he also admited he had a dream where he poped the question to me, so considering the fact he might actualy love me makes it hurt even more, but I just don't know if I can take this heart ache anymore