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I Dont know what to do from here.

Published on July 18, 2014 by redheadchick09

I have known this guy for probably about 6 - 8 months & we just recently started talking. He had just got out of a relationship with someone & so did I. We started talking & would text nonstop & we hung out once at my house & everything went good. We had talked for probably a week or so Then I went out of town for a week for vacation we talked about how we genuinely liked each & how we both couldn't take anymore hurt & we would take things slow so there would be no doubts or worries. Well then he got quiet on me & I didn't hear for him for a day & he told me he had just been thinking a lot; before me & him started talking he had kinda been talking to someone else that he had liked before & he said he wasn't saying he didn't like me or that he didn't want to continue to see where things went he just didn't want to lead me on & wanted me to know what was going on. Well since then he's come over & we have hung out again & he will come by my work to see his father and I & he even kissed me & hugged me at work, which is unusual for him because he doesn't like to do that with his father being here. But since that day that he's told me that, he just hasn't been talkative at all & has text me if I text him but hasn't made an effort to text me first. He is trying to get a place of his own & has been trying to get some sort of visitation or custody of his 8 month old son,& he just had court for that this week. He is going to be getting to spend as much time as possible with his child the next month or so to get the baby used to him so he can have him on his own some, so I know that that's going to be what he's doing the majority of the time. When I ask him what he was wanting out of this he told me that "for the time being he needed to focus on his son & getting things straightened out; that if I felt like he was using me to not talk to him but for right now he can't commit to someone and focus on all the other stuff, he just doesn't have time right now." We have talked everyday since then except for yesterday and today; he also has not mentioned that girl anymore. I want him to have his space because I don't want to come on too strong and push him away but I don't want him to think I'm not interested either. what should I do?

ANSWERS

This is kind of confusing, but this is my take on things. He clearly has a lot going on, with his child and custody issues. That's pretty major. However, if he really wants to be with you, he'd make it work with you. He would make that time for you. He knows your feelings for him, and that you are interested. That's not the issue. The issue is, I am concerned that you are being led on by this guy. I hope you are not picking and choosing what you want to hear out of what he says to you. Be there for him as a friend only for a while, and see what develops. DO NOT have sex of any kind with him. Take it out of your head that you want to be with him romantically for a while. Just treat him as your friend only and see what happens.

What it boils down to is you creating standards and boundaries which reflect what you desire in a relationship as well as what you will or will not tolerate. Being patient is one thing-but keep in mind if you set the precedence that he can have all of the benefits but none of the responsibility of a relationship with you he isn't going to be motivated to get his act together and suddenly give you the responsibility and commitment. When a man loves a woman he will not proclaim himself hers or vice versa until he has his ducks in a row. You riding the fence along with him, however, doesnt make you more inclined to get the treat at the end. You should create a set of boundaries which ensure that you are not giving to a fault or otherwise becoming a door mat. If he is truly working to make his life better to have you in his life then give him the space to do that while you explore what else is around you. IF he is in fact going to make an honest relationship of this he will do that even faster if you are not sitting there constantly confirming that you are indeed waiting right there. That is not motivating and your actions and inaction should be assessed from what is 1) in your best interest and 2) if its motivating or demotivating to the situation and your desired results. These are two of the first ways to begin to shift a connection off of a stagnate path.

If you need additional assistance be sure to let me know!

Best, Laura Brown http://www.yourtango.com/experts/LauraBrown

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