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I can't tell if my boyfriend and friend are flirting...

Published on January 6, 2010 by organic

My boyfriend of 6 months and my good friend get along really well and it makes me nervous, paranoid, and possibly jealous.

My friend is married and the four of us (her, her husband, me and my boyfriend) often do things together, but when we're in a group like that my BF and friend seem to have a lot of chemistry and he brings her up in our conversations frequently. My BF has more female friends than male friends (and that's taken some getting use to) but he tells me he loves me all the time and we're more or less inseparable. Nonetheless, there's something about how the two of them get along that makes me paranoid.

Should I tell him how I feel and risk appearing to be a jealous freak? How can I tell that there's nothing more between them than just friendship?

ANSWERS

It's great for your boyfriend to get along with your friends well, but I would still say keep a certain level of separation between the two relationships. You should be able to trust them but you can still never be too sure. This is coming from a girl whose once found my boyfriend and best friend messing around. I say talk to him. Relationships need communication or someone might get hurt. Good luck :)

I probably would NOT say anything to him at this point. If you do say something what do you think he's going to say: Yes, I am wildly attracted to your friend and am considering taking action at the first possible opportunity? or He's going to say: she's married, we're just friends, you are paranoid, blah blah blah (or some version of that). Do you think he's going to admit to the attraction? Men typically will do just about anything to avoid confrontation with women/femnine wrath

I am not saying anything is going on or will go on. I have a married male friend-I am married too for 18 years-and we get along great. We work together as well. However, I can honestly say, there is no physical/sexual chemistry. That could be the case with your BF and boyfriend.

However, I would definitely keep some separation between the two relationships, as the other poster said. Spending a lot of time together is exactly HOW these things evolve/happen. I can't tell you how many relationships/friendships between couples I've seen go awry (and sometimes both couples married) in this same scenario. Your friend should know better as well, and while getting along with friends is great, getting too chummy with your BF boyfriend is NOT cool. Your friend should watch her step as well and make sure the boundaries are clear (and people hide behind being married-I am married I wouldn't do that!-well, unfortunately, people forget themselves and do it all the time-married or not). No reason to be paranoid, but, put some separation there that's not too obvious and keep your eyes open. I guess if that doesn't work, the next time you are all out together and they are exhibiting their chemistry, you could say: perhaps you two should get a room, and then laugh. Passive aggressive, but, it would make a point.

Good Luck!

If you have to bring it up (and I wouldn't do it just yet, but keep an eye on things), I think you should bring it up with whichever person you trust most. In this case, I'd think that would be your friend whom you've known longer. Just be honest with her and willing to listen, instead of accusatory. You want your friends to like your boyfriend, but you also don't want to be hurt by two people who supposedly care for you.

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