YOUR VOTE

2 0

5 ANSWERS

I called and shouldn't have.

Published on December 5, 2013 by candigurl

My boyfriend and I have been going thru some emotional stress. As we talked, he mentioning us giving each other time to give each of us a time to balance out everything....creating some space. I was hurt and angry by it, but I sent him a text saying I respect his decision, trust the right decision will be made, and respect his need for space. He actually called me the next day to chat and see how I was doing. Conversation was good, and I carried on with my day. The next day, I woke up feeling very anxious and bothered by it all again, and called him. I told him I have some feelings I would like to express with him, and when he has free time, can we talk. He didn't say yes or no, but I can hear in his voice he was a little disturbed from it. I told him it was no pressure and to give me a call when he feels up to talking. Did I mess things up? Is that seeming too pushy? How can I fix this? Have I made him feel that now he may not want to call wondering if it will be a argument or me b***ing? What should I do? I feel like I may have pushed him away a little more or put a bitter taste in his mouth...

Thanks in advance, your advice is definitely appreciated!

ANSWERS

First calm down. Take a deep breaths and breathe out a long exhalation. Try it a few times.

Your fear of losing him has gotten a stranglehold on you. You have to dispel it. Keep breathing slowly. No hyperventilating.

Ok now that you are calm. Try to recognize when your emotions are rising. Let's get to the nitty gritty. You are afraid of being alone. Why?

People come into our lives and leave our lives every day. Some make lasting impressions, some make deep connections. I understand you feel very strongly about this man. You only need to have a little restraint; otherwise, you will overwhelm him. I would do something physical to take your mind off the relationship. Get out there and socialize. Do something for yourself and let go of your fears of being alone because you are not. How many things can you write down that you do for your own happiness that does not involve him. If the list is short, you need to get more involved and see what is around your world. What do you really know about the old man who lives down the street. He could be a sweet old man or an old lecherous one who will try to woo you. You might think that disgusting, and it is. It just makes for a damn good story to your friends and your man.

I would suggest joining a Yoga club or fitness class. You meet interesting people who are just like you. Who cares if you don't know them. Say "Hi I'm Candigurl. I'm trying to relax through yoga. Do you have any tips?" Boom! Instant conversation and new potential contacts. It will help you grow more as a person and give your man his space.

You need some distractions. Call your friends and family. You could even talk to that creepy guy that hangs out at the laundromat smelling socks and other questionable objects(well maybe not him). You get my point, right?

Seriously, it will work out. You sound like a sweet girl who is scared. It's OK to be scared, just don't let it run rampant. Good luck

I totally agree with Alex Bergman.

I also want to tell you that he is the one who wants space, which means he will decide when he's had enough or not enough. It's really unfair and very much a game. I would just give him space to sort out his true feelings. Any vibes you send off of being afraid to be alone will come off as clingy and needy and definitely make him feel suffocated and ask for more space.

John Grey wrote about this in Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus. The chapter that says men are like rubber bands. My best friend and I both dated men just like this, and unfortunately, it didn't work out for us in the long run. What I ultimately learned is that a guy who really wants to be with you, will. He won't play games and continually ask for space.

But...you need to take some responsibility for your fear of being alone. This could be putting unhealthy dynamics into the relationship causing him to feel like he needs space. If you suffocate the relationship you will surely kill it. Learn to feel secure in your own emotions, don't be afraid to do things without him and have your own life. This will ultimately make you seem more attractive and independent enough that he doesn't need to babysit you emotionally.It will also help you heal if it does end.

Also, know your value. If he keeps doing this to you, be comfortable enough to pull the plug and meet someone who wants to be with you and doesn't want space all the time. Some space is healthy. Too much space really means he's just not as into you as you are into him.

Good luck.

Thank you guys so much!!! I value your response and will use this advice! You hit it right on the nose....

You need to calm down.

I get it that it is difficult to stay away from the person you like, to control yourself from hitting the send message or call button.

In my opinion, I don't think that in a relationship there should be a fear of impression. If two people who are meant to be together and love each other, wouldn't care of the broken aspects of each other. I would want to be with a guy who doesnt care if I am clingy or if I fear being alone. I would want him to love that side of me too. The good parts - everybody can adore. What matters is if they can adore the weak parts of you too.

Dear candigurl,

Please be kind to yourself and not worry over whether or not you did the right thing by calling your boyfriend. It is not surprising you are confused, because your boyfriend created the first bit of confusion by calling you soon after he said he needed space. He made it seem okay that you call each other. You had some feelings about the relationship that you wanted to sort out, and you naturally wanted to sort it out with him. But oops, as it turns out, he wasn't the right person at that moment to sort it out with.

Let it go. If that's all it takes to ruin things, then your relationship is rather fragile. Take a step back--detach a little emotionally--and view your relationship as a work in progress. See where it goes. Trust that it will go the way it's supposed to.

In the meantime, you have some good suggestions for distracting yourself and having some fun, too. This is a good time for taking care of yourself. You may also want to identify someone who can give you some emotional support and help you sort out your own feelings.

ANSWER THIS QUESTION