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I am not attracted to my husband.

Published on March 8, 2014 by ijustdon'tknow

My husband is smart funny and a great father. There was attraction when we met and dated but it was the proverbial "bate and switch". He started gaining weight right away; slowly at first, but by with each of my 3 pregnancies he put on and kept on the lbs. He assured me that it was an aberation To be clear, he has always been basically healthy. He just likes to eat and drink good wine to excess and dislikes exercise. He has dieted in the past but can't/won't make the necessary lifestyle changes to maintain it. I have managed to stay fit throughout the years and I know he appreciates this as he is still very attracted to me. He still takes pride in my looks and is particularly proud when other men notice me. His belly limits our "options" during sex. He can only make love from behind. He sweats a lot and since his mid thirties, his high blood pressure has often caused impotence. He started using viagra instead of doing what's necessary to be healthy. I always told myself that he would eventually take charge of his health. We've been married almost 20 years now. Over the years I have begged, pleaded and threatened to get him to shape up. What bothers me the most is that while he enjoys the fact that I have maintained a youthful appearance he doesn't see the need to be attractive for me. He looks and acts like a man 20 years older. We saw a marriage counselor and while we worked through some communication issues, nothing else changed. He's 60 or so lbs overweight and I have stopped trying. Its not like he's sick, ill or has been injured. He just doesn't want to do the work and I he's always known I would never leave him. So now, the idea of having sex with him disgusts me. I fantasize about other men constantly. I am sexually frustrated and unfulfilled. I want to have an affair. He would be devastated and probably leave me if he found out. We have three children aged 10 to 16. I feel stuck and resentful. I think I already know what the answer will be. I'm sure I'll be vilified for not finding a way to be attracted to my husband who's a terrific guy in many other ways. Men often complain how their wives let themselves go after the wedding and with each pregnancy and they are pounced on for being so superficial. I understand the frustration. Is it wrong to expect a spouse maintain an effort at least? Can marriages survive without physical intimacy?


Hi ijustdon'tknow,

I am an Expert with Your Tango and just saw your question. Firstly, I have empathy for your situation. I can feel how stuck and frustrated you are.

I have a partner of 5 years who had lost 20 lbs. just before we met. I realized that he had slowly put the majority of the weight back on. He was lethargic and grumpy. Not the man I met. I had the same feelings as you i.e. I was loosing interest and connection. Even more importantly his health was affected: high cholesterol, high blood pressure, knee pain. He wasn't valuing his health, himself. Why should I?

When I said this is what I'll live with and not this, he choose to change.
He took the initiative to reengage his healthy practices and he's been a great supporter of mine! It really came down to boundaries.

What boundaries can you set? Is there a shift in perspective that could free your personal change? I'f you would like explore that shift, then let's set up a discovery session!