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I agreed to a break that I pushed him into, that I don't want anymore. Is it Ok for me to call, apologize and ask to start again

Published on February 1, 2010 by lseibel64

I met a very nice man on a dating site. We're both divorce, both have children/child, same religion. We talked, we met and clicked right away. Even though he is an almost 2 hour drive away, we saw eachother every other weekend (kids), and spoke every night on the phone. He didn't mind the effort it took to drive here. One weekend when I was supposed to go see him for the weekend, it started to snow that morning. He knew how I felt about driving in the snow, so he went online and found a way to get me there by train and reserved a ticket for me. It required to have him drive 30 minutes to the train station to pick me up and take me back, which he also reserved and paid for. This is where I come in...I let our relationship move to fast physcially...right away. I know how I can be if I carte for someone. I mentioned it it right away that I was worried about being intimate, and he assured me that this was not a game, and that he wanted to see where this would go. However, he has a terrible relationship with his exwife...understandiblly, who took him for alot of money, and is very nasty to their children. He's having a rough time with financial issues with her regarding alimony and child support since the economy has changed, and so has his income in the last year (he's a commidities trader and the market is way down), and fighting her over how she treats their children. One who needs counseling now for depression, and openly admiited to the counselor becasue of the way the mom treats him. He's 13 and wants to live with his dad. But my (on hold) boyfriend, is struggling with alot of this. Anyway, I sensed alot of emotional distance from me, and I guess I just wanted to HEAR if our relationship had a future of some kind. Maybe it was how I presented it on some occasions, by getting hurt and angry, and reacting wrong. But eventually when I tried to talk about it, (by the way, I was going through alot on my end too. I'm a nurse, but in between jobs...worrying about bills, an 8 yr. old daughter who is strugling in one area of school because of my job hours. Which is why II'm in the midst of getting a new job), he felt too much pressure from me I think, and responded by saying that maybe we should take a break this weekend. Our weekend without the kids. Which to me meant 2 weeks because the next weekend, this past, we both had our children. Now. I had finally met his 2 boys on New Years Eve. weekend. They're very nice! We had fun. Went out to dinner together, then we went to his friend's house for a small "family party. I slept in his gyest room that night, and we drove his boys home the next day. It went very well. He also had spoken to my daughter on the phone a few times, and they met the last time we were together. The night before Martin Luther King Day. He drove down because I was going with him to a Dr.'s appt. that I had helped him set up for possible surgery. My daughter really enjoyed it. We had fun. Then this. It really hurt me. And I guess scared me that he was trying to end it, not just needing a little time. He's also planning an 80th birthday paryt for his mom in March in his home.Of course I said something like, would you have even included me? And he said he didn't know. That he truly does have feelings for me, but if I need a definite answer about where our future is going, he can't give that to me right now. In time, he said, he might know better. If I just had a little patience. Basically I gave him an ultimatum. That if he didn't know now that at least we had somehting together, I wasn't going to wait around. Of course that made him a little upset and angry. Then I took a day or 2 and rethought it and said that I still really cared for him. That I'd wait, but while I was waiting I'd see other people. He told me he was sorry and that he had the utmost respect for me. He understood. And we'd keep in touch and "see how things went"...agreeing to the words I said. It's been almost 2 weeks. I texted him yesterday that I was thnking about him. I know he has his boys until this morning. I don't want to lose him. Have I done the wrong thing and ben too impatient? He really is a good person. Have I blown it? Can I call him and tell him I'm sorry and that I's still like to see him, take it slowly and see how it goes? I actually just texted him and asked "I don't want to interupt your day.Do you think we could talk tonight?" And he texted back ..."sure'. Please give me some advice. Thank you!! Leslie

ANSWERS

I think women should be more up front with their needs, so I think you should go for it, if its what you really want

its sounds to me that u just want to know where u stand with him . i have been there is not nice and it drives u up the wall . the best i can thing is just friends at mo and give each other some space and see how u feel then but keep in touch aswell and time will tell if its meant to be it well , if hes says yeah to talking thats a good sign and wants to be in contact with u . i hope i helped u in a way x

Leslie,

Any and all relationships share one common intangible: the unknown. Nobody ever knows what will happen, when it will happen, or how it will happen. The only certainty is that a relationship has only one of two destinations; (1) You're together forever or (2) you're not. That's it.....they either last forever or they don't. Ironically though, when one party overtly pushes for certainty regarding the first, they generally end up with the second.

Relationships are always imbalanced, that is simply a fact. Even from the time you meet someone rarely do two people want the same thing, in the same time frame, with the same inevitable objective. Along the way, at some point, someone wants something different, and either the parties compromise equally, or one usually walks away. So, the first thing I would suggest is evaluating if you both share the same objectives (both short term and long term) and then defining how you want to get there. If you are on those same pages, then you worry about what happens between now and then. If you are not, then perhaps it won't work.

You are both divorced, coping with economy, and raising your children. You live two and half hours away, it's the winter time, and you don't care much for driving in the snow. Yet, he is still making an effort to see you, spend time with you, and share what portion of his life with you that he can. As a man I can tell you that he would never commit to those behaviors in these circumstances without at least some thoughts of a possible future. So, that should be reassuring to you on some level.

What he likely perceived your feelings as was insecurity. He likely saw you, during the "ultimatum moment" as a needy divorcee with a poor perception of yourself. Now, I am sure that is not at all how you genuinely are, however, given the circumstances he likely saw you as such in that moment. Men are unique creatures in that as we get older and get settled into our lives, we rarely aspire for new things. We become in a sense accustom to what we are, where we are, and who we are, and rarely want anything to try to change that. With your ultimatum, you likely made him feel like you were forcing him into a commitment during a time when he is incapable of knowing the future due to the chaos of the current time.

I work in a similar economic field as this man, and I can tell you, what we are enduring professionally is worst now than it was even during the depression. If he trades commodities he is likely under more stress now (professionally) than he ever will be again in his life. Not to mention, when you're a trader, it is not only what you know how to do, but who you are. Thus, if this market crashes any worse, he could find himself searching for a new identity not just a new job. On top of that he has an ex who is a pain, children he has to provide for, and a woman (you) with whom is trying to better know during a time when he is likely losing sight of himself.

Now, during all that, amidst the chaos, you come along and ask "where is this going"? The truth is, he has no idea whatsoever.

You're not at fault, you were simply expressing your thoughts and emotions. he is not at fault, because he is simply assessing and addressing his priorities. What you have to decide is, do they work for you? Can you handle the way he has to live his life at this time? Bottom line is, as wonderful as I am sure you are, he is a man, a divorcee, a father, and a professional. For the time being, his children, his career, his finances, and his livelihood are all going to come before you, and need to be situated, organized, and secure before he can even entertain a question about the "future".

It is partially because he is a man, partially because these are the times, but certainly the truth. So, my suggestion is, unless you can live with the uncertainty of the future and playing a back seat role in his life for a while, than you move on. At the end of the day, you're probably the only romantic interest in his life, but right now romantic interest is 5th or 6th on the list of his priorities, and the future is largely dependent upon everything in front of it being worked out first.

Best of Luck - Michael

There's a difference between being upfront with what you'd like to get out of the relationship and trying to force him into something. Giving an ultimatum is never a good idea. Guys don't like to feel forced into anything. Do you really want this relationship to progress thinking it only did so because you tried to force him into it? By the same token, you have a right to know where you stand and it's good that you let him know what you hope to get out of the relationship. If he's not ready to give you those things, you have to decide if you're willing to be patient and wait until he's ready or not. It sounds like he's a good guy and sincerely likes you. You say that he's in a bad place financially and with his family, that will always make someone hesitant to jump into another relationship full force. I'd say if you really like him and can imagine a future there, you should talk to him. Apologize for the ultimatum, tell him how you really feel and just be patient. No more mind games. When he's in a better place he'll probably be ready for a stronger commitment. But don't fool yourself. If you honestly aren't willing to wait for him to give you what you need then don't. You already told him you were going to start seeing other people. I think that's okay as long as you're honest about it and not just saying it to try and force his hand.

It sounds like you are both in tough places of insecurity and instability and it is understandable that you would want him to give you something definite to cling to to make your relationship more solid, but it sounds like you both aren't ready for that yet. Not emotionally any way. You pushed him away out of insecurity and now you want him back.

I think you do have a chance to make this work here. But you need to stop seeking stability in him and create it yourself. He is a divorced man with a lot on his plate, don't try to force your way into his life, just listen to him, support him and encourage him. Don't knock him down when he is doing the best he can. Tell him what a good dad he is and try to understand where he is coming from with regards to his mom's birthday and children and don't take things so personally. This is a new relationship and comes as you are both getting out of and getting over old relationships. It's not going to be like it was before (with your first husband) when he just introduces you to his family and everything is (relatively) easy. You both have more families and relationships to juggle.

If I were you, I'd tell him that you were sorry and that you care for him and that with everything going on you didn't know how to handle it and chose to handle it by pushing him away. That's not what you want now and then ask him if he can work with you to move beyond that. Keep it simple. Don't blame him. And going forward, try to blame less and understand more.

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