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Husbands work friends

Published on November 12, 2012 by anonymous22

My husband, an attorney in a firm, likes attention and has no problem flirting with staff. Some women in his office clearly have a crush on him and even ignore me should I come around - despite my friendliness.

The problem is non business related texts at night and weekends from staff and other women I don't know. These range from asking advice to emailing pictures of places they know he likes.

I've told him I think this is inappropriate. He said he's changed by distancing himself from staff. Yet I've still heard him flirting with the staff. T

It is to the point now when we are out and he gets a text from someone I don't know, I blow up. I've asked him to tell his "friends, mostly women, that he only uses his phone for emergencies. If they have a problem on the weekend instead to please call the office for the answering service. But he won't. Recently he told a "friend" her text did not go over well with his wife. Of course she said " it was an innocent text" to which he agrees. He portrays a situation should he receive a text, he will get hell at home.

I've asked him to please keep our marriage problems between us, but he will not saying these are his "friends".

The only choice left I feel is I need to change. I have male friends at work I've always kept a wall between. So, I told my husband I want a best friend too. Someone that I can confide in and don't have to worry they will betray me. This is very hard for me but I feel if I open up more with people, maybe then I can understand better what his friends mean to him. Any advice how to make this transition?

ANSWERS

This is not an answer, but more information.

He already had an emotional affair with a coworker in the adjacent office which he denies. Texts sent on holidays, Mother's Day wishes, when on her way to the casino, said she'd bring herself back to him as a gift. Texted to find out why the other didn't show up for an office visit. Wanted to give each other wake up calls...etc.

By the way, never received so many flowers during that time- two bouquets on Mother's day.

First, just because he receives texts doesn't mean he has to answer them -- now or ever.

Second, I'd like to recommend my favorite book on this topic called [HTML_REMOVED]Not Just Friends[HTML_REMOVED] by Dr. Shirley Glass. It deals a lot with emotional affairs and how to evaluate them and understand what's happening. It also helps a couple heal and restore their relationship.

Clearly you cannot control your husband. Nor should you attempt to. Changing your behavior is preferable to trying to "make him" do something different.

Perhaps your husband is not getting his needs me with you and is looking for something to help him feel better about himself. If women are falling all over him and you are not, there is something out of balance in your relationship.

When was the last time you had a romantic evening? How often do you make love? Are the two of you satisfied with your sexual relationship? All of these questions are between you and your husband. I bring them up because there is usually a reason for a man flirting. Perhaps he needs to be told he is handsome. Perhaps he needs to have positive reinforcement about his masculinity. Have you asked him if he wants a divorce? Talking about the elephant in the room is preferable to walking on egg shells.

It feels as if you are tippy toeing around in your relationship. Both partners need to have friends outside of a marriage or relationship. It is healthy to have friends. We cannot expect to get all of our needs met from one person. It is just not possible. Our girlfriends fulfill a different part of our needs from our husbands. If you feel that he is having more fun in his work place than you, perhaps you are beginning to feel resentful.

Attorneys and doctors are often revered by their employees. Some are even placed on a pedestal and fawned over. If you are not giving your husband positive attention at home he will continue to seek it elsewhere. If all of your encounters with him lead to arguments of late, you probably need to step back and reassess what he sees when he looks at you. What are you projecting? Fear? Jealousy? Resentment? It is difficult to feel and act loving and attentive when every time you are together something happens that makes you feel jealous and unsettled. Getting angry and blowing up is not the way to change the situation. Try to see how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Ask your husband to do the same for you. Compassion for your spouse is preferable to divorce. How can you look at this situation differently? What have you done to contribute or remedy the problem?

There is always an underlying reason for behavior. Ask what he needs and wants from you. See if there is some way you can be more supportive instead of jealous. The more positive your interactions are with him, the better for the both of you and your family.

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

I disagree with Jennifer's advice. Studies show that even very happily married men who are "getting a lot" a home cheat.

His dalliances may have nothing to do with you.

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