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Husband wants to watch me have sex with another man??

Published on July 2, 2012 by busybee1

My husband on a recent date night wanted to find someone for me to have sex with while he watched. I was shocked and hurt. We have discussed this fantasy before in bed and it was very innocent pillow talk I thought. I would never do that and can't believe he would allow that to happen and like it?? I'm now feeling I myself may not be enough sexually for him? Please help! It is making me question so many things about him and our marriage now.


I think what you need to keep in mind is that you are the subject of this fantasy of his. He is fully focused on you while with this other person. This is not fully out of the blue, remember, you both have discussed it as 'pillow talk,' he likely saw that as the preliminaries, and now is taking the next, small step in the discussion.

Many people, both men and women, have this fantasy and it shouldn't be cause to question your marriage. His line of reasoning is probably something like "My Wife is hot, seeing her with another man will be extra hot, and then she and I will cap it off with insanely hot sex."

A common result with acting out this fantasy is a renewed sexual attraction between the couple. As greater people that I have mentioned (Dan Savage, Christopher Ryan, and Cacilda Jethá) this playacting of biological competition really re-energizes the primal need for each other.

However, this does need buy-in from both of you, don't feel coerced or pressured or it will not be enjoyable for either of you. You mentioned that you were questioning so much, have you put these questions in words? A simple "Wow, honey, I though that was just fantasy, how far do you want to go with this?" may open up some discussion. But, please remember the earlier points, your husband is just opening up new ways to have sex with You, the players themselves are not as important as that.

Dear busybee1: I think "Mellobuck" made a lot of sense in his answer to you. A lot of couples don't open up and express their fantasies to their partners and that is a shame. The fact that he felt able to open up to you about his desires says that he trusts and respects your opinion on the matter. His fantasy is not all that unusual. I've had a lot of experience dealing with this very subject in my consultations. There's no need for you to feel inadequate in any way - you are his fantasy. The third party, to him, is merely a sexual aid. He honestly wants to know how you feel about it. So, the real question is, how do you feel about it - knowing that you are the real object of his sexual affection? Don't rush to answer until you're comfortable bringing up the subject again, but once you've had a chance to mull it over in your head, you may look at it differently. If you're not into his fantasy, tell him so, but perhaps suggest a substitute fantasy of your own. If you are both able to open up to each other in this way (without judging the other person) maybe you'll find something that you both are comfortable with that will be equally pleasing to both of you. I will note that sometimes fantasies fulfilled have a way of morphing into more. Only do what you are perfectly comfortable with and no more. And if you do decide to fulfill this or any other fantasy, remember to practice safe sex. Also, I wouldn't recommend having any third-party participation with someone you know as a friend or things will get even more complicated. Best of luck, LJ

Don't be angry with him - you were discussing fantasies together, and asking if you'd like to act them out is a reasonable thing. Tell him you love him too much to want anyone but him - the fantasy was just that and you have no desire to make it reality.

As long as he takes "no" for an answer and doesn't keep pushing, things are fine. If he persists with this, take a hard line and make it absolutely clear with him that you will NOT be having sex with other men and do not want him bringing it up again. If he still doesn't stop, either decide to put up with his pestering for the rest of your life, or get a divorce.

OMG! This is so risky! I don't even know what to suggest. I mean you can definitely go for it, but what if your husband change his mind afterwards and says you are cheater?

There is a very simple primal answer to why many men enjoy the idea of seeing their partner with others. Sperm Competition Syndrome. All men are born with it.

Before the church and modern morals females were free to mate with as many males as they cared to. It was good for the species, whether the female's mate liked it or not.

According to the former editor of Penthouse Forum, the number one story, desire and fantasy that flooded their mailboxes was the desire on the part of men to see their wives or girlfriends with another man. It's very common, yet such a taboo that few will admit to having the fantasy.

The reason it turns on so many millions and theoretically billions of men around the world is quite simple and biological. Sperm competition syndrome is triggered when a man or other primate sees his partner with another man, is told of it, or just suspects it. It can even occur when he is absent from her for the briefest period of time.

If sperm competition syndrome has been triggered, the man will have an orgasm 3 times stronger than usual, his pelvic thrusts will be 3 times as hard when he next has sex with his partner. And he will want to immediately. There's one simple explanation for this: he wants to make sure the baby is his.

This desire has nothing to do with a man's masculinity, sexuality or psychology. It is primal, plain and simple. It's also a very powerful fantasy that once triggered is very difficult to suppress, as it is biological and not psychological. I've heard many men say it was like a light switch going on that couldn't be turned off ever again.

Many men are fine with keeping this fantasy to themselves, but most will find themselves eventually asking their wives to explore the fantasy. And far too many of them are consumed with self loathing, for they genuinely love their wives and cannot understand why the idea of seeing them with another man would turn them on. The sooner they understand the origin of that the less angst they need to endure over what many see as a dark and dangerous desire. The best advice I ever heard from a therapist who also happened to be a renowned marriage counselor upon voicing these fears was "why don't you just relax and enjoy it."

A search of the subject on any tube site will bring thousands of results of home videos going back to the stone age of VHS. You will see the girl next door, or more often the mother or grandmother next door generally having a pretty good time indulging in their partners' fantasies.