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husband looking at personal ads on craigslist?

Published on May 10, 2011 by hopefulforhappyendinginmarriag

 I just discovered this past Saturday that my husband was on his computer at work, searching the craigslist personals in our area. He looked through the men seeking women area, probably thinking there were women listed on there. When he realized they were men, he switched over to women seeking men area and also looked on the misc. romance section of the personals. He also went into the search field and typed in "female escort". Luckily, he was too stupid to realize that he had searched the craigslist for sale ads for "female escort" and nothing came up. (Had he switched the search field to personals, he would have found some listings). He then left the website and that was it. He spent about 5 minutes total on this site and now I don't know what to do. I have confronted him in the past about perusing other sites, including yahoo personals and match.com (he never ever signed up, just tried to look at profiles for free) which led to big arguments and him getting really angry and defensive.

Believe me when I say truly do know that he goes directly to work and home every day. If he stops somewhere in between, I always can figure out where that is, gas station, store, etc.

He has never taken off on me at night; he's always home but I truly am at my wits end, wondering if he will someday cross that line and try to hook up with someone online to meet in real life. BTW, when he searched craigslist; he did an aol search for craigslist and typed in our town and state, so the search was refined and yielded results for the local craigslist sites in our area.

I've had to monitor everything he does because about 3 years ago, I discovered he was responding back to spam emails from Russian and Ukraine women (you have probably seen them before. They start off something like: "Hi, my name is Nadia and I'm a nice girl looking for a good man to have relationship with. I would like come over to your country, etc, etc.")

He responded back to about 15 different emails that I found. He was sexually explicit in his responses to these emails, asking these women "if they would go down on him because he likes that, to send him nude pics, even telling one woman that he wanted to see her t*ts and p*ssy and to stop playing games and that he was sorry to seem blunt but that he had a lot of money and this was what he wanted". One woman, named Ekaterina, he emailed back and forth about 7 or 8 times. He kept asking her for nude pics (1 day there were 5 emails within a 2-3 hour period). She kept saying that she didn't have nude pics. She stopped communicating with him and a few days later, he sent her 1 more email, saying he hadn't heard from her in a while and that he missed her. She never responded back.

He claims that they never would have come over here and that he was never going to actually go meet them but I wonder what would have happened if I didn't confront him that time. Since then, he never reached out to any of the girls on the sites that he has visited but he has clicked on links in the many russian dating site spam emails he now gets; he get's a lot of these spam emails now because of those responses he made 3 years ago.

I just have no more trust in him, especially with this latest incident.

I really don't know what to do. I can't confront him about the Craigslist issue (he didn't respond to any of the personals; I know this for a fact) If he had responded to any of the ads, I would have confronted him but I can't because, I don't want to reveal (and make him smarter at hiding his actions) how I discovered this.

We have been married for over 20 years and have children as well. Things seem to have gotten worse when he entered his mid-forties.

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I&#39;m at a loss; I&#39;m heartbroken. I was crying all of Mother&#39;s Day and I don&#39;t know what to do.&nbsp;

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ANSWERS

I would have believed him about the foreign women, but did just what you did and let him know it was not acceptable. It sounds like he is escalating now with at least thinking about meeting someone. You don't have any trust in him and I don't blame you. He doesn't behave in a way that allows you to feel secure in your relationship. I would confront him, drag his butt to counseling, and if we couldn't get to a place where we both felt secure and happy, then I would leave him. There are far too many guys out there who appreciate a good woman and he is not appreciating what he has or treating you with the respect you deserve. I think it time for him to get a new email address and protect it as best he can from getting spam like that in the future too. That is probably keeping it on his mind a lot. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope things get better for you.

You need to be worried.. If he looking on Craigslist, he is looking.. I am married and look at Craigslist , and you would be surprised of the straight men asking another man for sex, and those who are married but still looking, men want sex, and that`s it..gonna find it where they can

--- A woman deserves to be loved. Respected...and to know she is the only one. It is all about his intentions. His intentions are to cheat, either physically, mentally, emotionally, maybe even spiritually. Talk to him about it. Not putting the blame on him, but try and find out WHY he is doing this...instead of coming to you with his problems. ---but the problem here is... He did it once, and that ONE time is a very pivitol moment, it says.. I can keep doing this, or I can stop.... He didn't stop. ---he chooses to do it again and again. This IS cheating. and it will only get worse. ----I think you deserve better...A LOT better. Your woman, your beautiful... and you should have a man that loves you...and would NEVER ever DO SUCH A thing.. or even think of it. And they are out there... Much love to you, and my heart goes out... CLAIM your voice...and speak up, and speak out!... He needs to know this was WRONG... and he was WRONG. and to learn to not make the mistake in the future... but a future...maybe without you. But thats all on you guys.

This guy sounds like a jerk, but for starters how did she track his web browsers history on his work computer? And how does she know with such certainty were he is when in transit to and from work?

First of all let me tell you that I am sorry that you are going through this. Its not an easy situation. From what you have posted it sounds as if you are constantly checking up on your husband to make sure he has been on good behavior. That is extremely unhealthy in a marriage.

You need to go somewhere quiet for dinner. Somewhere that will take a long time while the food is being prepared and open your heart up to him. Express that you are having difficulty trusting him since the whole Russian spam event. I wouldn't bring up the fact you checked his history. The fact that he looked at possible dates isn't really the problem here. The problem lies more in WHY. Tell him you want to hear how he feels about his commitment to you. Let him know you want to work on things now before something happens as opposed to after. Ask him if hes on board to spicing things up between the two of you.

To be quiet honest many men that cheat are just looking for passion and sex that they had in the beginning of the relationship that has fallen to the side. More than likely he feels as if you have lost passion for him. And chances are you feel he has lost passion in you. I say passion because its not just SEX. yes sex it a big part. But things like going to his favorite sports game, even thought you think its boring. And Him going to your yoga class even though he thinks its lame.(or whatever each of your passions may be) Talk out all your feelings and doubts and remind one another why you even got married in the first place.

If hes unwilling to open up to you then don't give up. Men are quick to sex but slow to feelings. Just as we women are slow to orgasm but quick to feelings. If he doesn't participate much in the first attempt give him a week or two and try again. Remember it takes two people to fix a marriage and two people to give up on it.

Best of luck! and if you need anyone to talk to email me :D kmw1021@gmail.com

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