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How does a married woman say she loves me but has sex with her husband, saying it doesn't mean anything to her?

Published on October 25, 2010 by invision5555

I'm involved with a married woman. I am very much in love with her and she tells me she loves me. She also tells me she doesn't love her husband. She needs to be in the loveless relationship/marriage for a while longer. During this time she continues to have sex with her husband because she can't avoid it. Is it possible to separate sex from love and intimacy? I know for myself, in order for me to have sex, I need to feel the love and intimacy. Is this possible for a woman? or would I be wrong in asking her to completely avoid having sex with her husband?


You need to end this relationship now! Find a woman who is available. This will bring you nothing but heartache and disaster. Move on with your life and wait for the person who is RIGHT for you. I guarantee that in the long run you'll be glad you did. You'll be in my prayers.

The advise to end it, is right. But to answer your question. Yes a woman can have love separate from intimacy. It is an issue of conditioning and habits. If obligation is strong enough, a woman will sacrifice her wants and needs for anyone she loves. But when the sacrifice becomes expected, after becoming a habit. Then it becomes a "have to, even when I hate it". Many women understand that a calm, resigned, comfortable life can be bought with the sacrifice of ourselves. But If we can buy the mundane with our hearts, dreams, needs and individuality.... what do we bring to our other relationships? Almost nothing. Because you can learn to make a habit of anything if you can endure selfish intimacy with a total disregard for spirit, mind and heart. We essentially learn to disregard ourselves. If we are focused solely on the needs of others. We never have to know how empty we are in ourselves. Case in point: I remember being active in useful tasks and creative endeavor. But the memory cannot motivate me to return to those things because what my husband wants and needs have been a forced focus for more than half of my marriage. He demeaned, belittled my habits and creativity. Then he immersed me in the things he wanted me to be doing or interested in. I did it for the love of him.... but those things did not fit my heart, my individuality, my need, my wants for us or for myself. He refuses to this day to discuss it, as he would prefer to be heard. If I voice my thoughts it is not accepted as anything more than an invitation to debate. That said... I woke up one day some 17 years later to a very sexual dream featuring someone who I felt was simply an acquaintance....After three years not sleeping well but less and less with my husband(for the last almost 2yrs, not at all).. I realize I have feelings for this man but nothing that needs to be explored. It is just my need to be myself that has surfaced. And he is the vehicle my brain has chosen to reveal it to me. If her love or feelings for you are strong enough she will stop sleeping with him without you asking.... If not.. well having read my experience I'm sure get the point

She is married, have some respect for her husband even if she says she dosent have feelings for him. Wait till shes single. If she dosent have feelings for him then she will leave him. But if he finds out he might try to hurt you, so save yourself from that. And to answer your question yes a women can separate intimacy and sex

Your question (the ability to separate intimacy and love from sex), while seemingly important to you, is actually irrelevant in this situation. As others have said, it would be in your best interest to end this relationship. If the woman's marriage truly is lifeless then its her job to take appropriate action to either fix it or end it. She has done neither, which means as long as the situation stands as it is now, you will never have a happy fulfilling relationship with her. Not ever. If she does choose to end her marriage, she will need to grieve over the loss before being ready for a new realtionship with anyone, including you. So even if events take a turn in the direction you would like them to, it will be at least many months, perhaps a year or more before she will be truly available. In the meantime you are left with nothing.

Care for yourself as much as you profess to care for her and end this relationship, grieve over its loss, then start looking for someone who is truly available. You deserve to have someone who puts your needs on an equal par with her own.

As for your question "would I be wrong in asking her to completely avoid having sex with her husband?" The short answer is yes. Anytime you are asking for a change of behavior in another human being in order to help yourself feel better, you are asking for trouble. Asking for behavior change within committed, caring partners may be appropriate in some situations (though certainly not appropriate in many). But in this type of relationship where there really is no committment at all from one-half of the couple, asking for behavior change really isn't going to work. You can ask for and work for a behvior change in yourself, which is the only person you have full rights to do that with.

Authentic-guy and others, thanks for your response.

To re-phrase my question, since she continues to have sex with her husband doesn't it mean that she has some feelings for him? If this is so, I absolutely will do all that I can do to bring them back together. I do love her unconditionally and only want her to be happy with or without me. How do I approach her to find out if these feeling for her husband still exist?