YOUR VOTE0 0
one, get yourselves to counseling and work out some of the issues that lead to the affair. two, tell your partner that rebuilding trust takes a long time. you two need to work out a system of boundaries that will help you rebuild some trust. and give yourself time. lots of time.
Like Lyz said time and if you're up to it counsleing for both you on your own and you as a couple. Also forgiveness. The person who had the affair needs to forgive themselves as much as they need to be forgiven. If you dwell on it chances are so will your partner.
As a person who had an emotional affair I know how hard it is to earn back trust. This happened after he cheated on me(a long while) Just so you know I felt like my hubby lost interest in me. I tried to talk to him about it, among planning stuff that was romantic. He still felt like he was a hundred miles from me. I lost all selfworth and much more. It even got to a point I thought he was having another affair, even though he could account for everywhere he was for every min. I found what I needed emotionally somewhere else. I know you didn't need all this information and that this may not be the reason it happened. But counseling with my preacher taught me that it does happen because the person at least feels like something they need is missing, or that person just needed an ego boost to know they could still get someone. Counseling is needed to help you forgive and understand what happened. You need to learn to really open up and listen to one another. If you are going to forgive you need to work all of your problems out and then let them go. When you forgive then you have to let it drop and not bring it up every time you are angry and hurt. You may forgive but not forget. It takes alot of time to earn to trust again. Just remember not to jump all over them for your conclusions when you have misgivings. But also don't be blind when the truth is right in your face.
Emotional affairs are much more complex then physcial. They are like drugs, once you get a taste of it, it's very hard to stop. He/she could stop, provided they are able to get whatever they need emotionally from their partner. But once their partner starts ignoring their emotional needs again, then they start looking for another outlet, another source of emotional high. So it's not just about trusting again, it's about being fully aware of the fact that, besides trusting your partner, you need to give them whatever they are missing. Otherwise, by the time you start trusting them again, if they are feeling emotionally unfullfilled again, they will reach for another affair.
My husband did this to me, and not only had an emotional affair, he also was at her house "drinking" and took her to "ball games", bars, etc. I tried for the next year and a half to make it work, with counseling, etc. (we have a 4 year old, so I tried for the family) and every single day, if he said he was going somewhere, or told me how pretty I was, etc, I ALWAYS thought: "did you tell ur skank that too", or "are you really going to see ur skank". I never said it, but I thought it, EVERY SINGLE DAY. So, 2 weeks ago, I asked him to move out and finalized our divorce. I am devastated to be single with children, and devastated to walk away from the onlt man I have ever loved. BUT, since he has been gone, I am happy, and not once have I thought of the "skank" or wondered if he was with her, instead of at work, or where he said he was. I could not forgive or get over being lied too. We are both 32, and have been together since we 18, with a 2 year seperation while he went to college, and married since 2004. I put in my 13 years of faithfulness, wether he slept with her or not, he lied. If your spouse lies to you, I recommend trying for 1 year, if it still eats at you, walk away, far far away.......
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