Give Advice: Should I Walk Away Or Fight To Stay With Him?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We have been close friends for 4 years. I thought we could talk about anything and I trusted him completely.
He changed his job and had to move in with his parents at the beginning of our relationship. We are both in our late thirties. I felt we couldn’t take our relationship to another level till he got back on his feet and was the "man" again. In the meantime, I enjoyed spending time with him and didn’t really feel pressure about the future. I thought I would always be with him.
Then I found out that he was looking for another job, like his original one, halfway across the state by him telling me; he had an interview on my birthday. I was the last person he told. I think he was scared to tell me. I tried to be supportive but wasn’t looking forward to a long-distance relationship.
The day after he moved, I had a family emergency and needed him. I offered to drive down there to see him. He told me not to come. "He only had one day off and was tired." I didn’t, and later found out he went to an amusement park with his best friend who he hadn’t seen in two years instead. I don’t understand why he lied. I could have gone with them to the amusement park or if he needed time with his friend, I would have understood and could have seen him before or after. This was too much for me and I ended up breaking up with him.
I regret doing this and I still miss and love him. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong and blames our break up on the move. He says he still loves me and wants to work things out, but can’t do much because of the hours he works. My family is here and I don’t want to leave them. I told him I would be willing to see him on the weekends down there. I plan to go down there at the end of the month and try and work things out.
I know there is a small chance of him moving and me having a family emergency again in the same week. But how can I tell if he will be there for me next time? Or should I look for someone else that will be?
If he doesn't understand the real reasons behind the breakup, it is unlikely that things will be different the next time. Think about the elements of the situation that were the real issues for you. Was it the fact that he wasn't truthful? Was it the fact that he wasn't supportive in the way you wanted? What was it that was too much for you? Once you have clarity for yourself, you can talk with him about your feelings and your needs. Only then will you have a fair chance of assessing your potential future together.
One word of caution, however. It sounds as if you are taking on the bulk of the effort in working things out. Make sure that this is ok with you and not a possible source of resentment down the line. If you set the precedence of always being the one to travel to see him because of his work schedule, don't be surprised if that remains the expectation. If it is important to you to have a partner who makes seeing you a priority and is willing to make a strong effort to make things work, you must be the one to set that expectation and stick to it.
Best of luck,
Erika Myers, MS, EdM, LPC, NCC
Therapist and Wellness Coach
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Does he really need to spell it out for you? He has no backbone to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you and you are too "in love" to get a clue. Remember that talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. He doesn't care about you and he showed you that you meant/mean nothing to him. He looked for a job away from you, didn't tell you that he had an interview, chose to go to an amusement park when you needed him the most ... and you are even considering dating this jerk again?
Please, do yourself a favor, go date somewhere else and next time choose someone who actually gives a damn about you. Life gets tough sometimes and we need someone we can count on. This poor excuse of ex boyfriend has proved you that you cannot trust him and cannot count on him either. Please listen to that smart part of you that broke up with him. Leave him there where he belongs: in your past. Good luck and onward.
dating and relationship adviser
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