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How do you handle conflicts over disciplining stepchildren?

Published on March 5, 2010 by tolliver

My wonderful lover and i have been together a year plus. We ahve had wonderful times together. he is completely romantic (most of the time) and he is GREAT at surprises. We generally ahve a lot to talk about, adn we laugh all the time. We do silly things together and have a lot of the same views. We have a rockin sex life and i cant inagine a nigth without him. The only problem...hje has kids froma previous relationship, as do i. We hardly ever get to see his children, while mine live in the home. Int he year we have been together, We have had his children for abour four or five weekends. My kids are made toe at their vegetables and clean their plates at meal times, and they eat what we cook (we do not force horrible foods upon them). They have a bedtime and a routine. They are not allowe dto watch trashy shows like family guy. Their Xbox and tv time is limited, and we make sure they get plenty of time outside. His kids have a different set of rules when they come over. They do not have to eat their veggies, in fact they can eat whatever they want when they want. they can even have cereal for supper if thats what they want. They are allowed to stay up to wee hours of morning and have no idea what a schedule is. They are addicted to Video games and tv and rarely venture outside. they watch adult shows. This really irritates me, a weekend with them throws my whole household into an uproar. I refuse to let them break all the rules my kids follow daily. I think it makes my kids feel left out and makes them think they are not special. he argues that he doesnt give his kids rules to follow becasue we hardly get to see them. I argue that it makes my children feel horrible, and that he is a parent and he should act like a responsible one, even if we only get to see them every now and again. The lack od discipline and respect that i have to deal with from his children is enought o make me want to walk away from our relationship. i refuse to allow my children to feel like outsiders in their own home. and i believe that even if you only get to see ur kids occasionally, you should be a responsible parent and instill in them rules and morals. Im lost, i love my baby....but his babies may very well tear us apart. any advice. ive talked to him til im blue in the face and its to no prevail. any words of wisdom would be appreciated!!!!

ANSWERS

If you don't live together, it's your house, your rules. And that's the bottom line. If they don't want to follow your house rules don't accept them into your house. Let your boyfriend spend his entire weekend with them on his own and you spend quality time with your kids during that time. If you do live together it's a bigger problem. I'd see this as a gigantic red flag about the future if you're contemplating marrying this man. You need to work out how you want to raise your children together if you plan on being together. By the way, I think you are 100 percent in the right here. It sounds like his guilt about not always being with his kids is leading to him spoiling them and that is not in their best interest. If you've talked with him about it to no avail you may very well be right in thinking it'll tear you apart. I've known couples that have broken up over these kinds of issues and unfortunately, that's just the way it is sometimes.

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