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How do I win over a hostile future mother in law?

Published on April 27, 2009 by in love again

I am engaged to a man who has been married before, but has been divorced for 13 years. His mother has made it clear that she does not like me in his life. We have been dating for a 16 months, engaged for 4 of those, but he just now told her because he knew she would not react well. Even though I'm 38, independent, make almost as much money as he does; she thinks I'm trying to take him for everything. I've also been married before, both of us have teen children. Until he announce our engagement, she was absolutely fine with me, at least on the surface, I guess. How can I prove that I love him and that I'm not out to take the family farm?

ANSWERS

Would you consider signing a pre-nup? Even if your fiancee doesn't want you to sign one, maybe that will be enough for her to see that you only want his love, not his money.

Congrats on being in love again! I think one thing he can do is stay in touch with his mother. One thing mothers-in-law worry about is being left out, and studies have shown that sons who keep in touch with their mothers can help ease the tension between their wife and mother. If she talks to him often she won't feel left out. But it sounds like that's not her main problem; maybe he could explain to her how the two of you plan to split the bills, and how your finances are arranged. That could help ease her mind.

I'm sorry but keeping in touch does not bite the bullet, I know I am young, but I have a future MIL from hell. We live 15 mins away use to talk to her on the phone a couple times a week and would do dinner together almost once a week. When my bf was over seas she wanted updates so I would call her to tell her he was ok and all of a sudden she goes to his 2 brothers saying I'm bragging that she's calling me and not her and they came back to me and him. Biggest bunch of bs in my life, now we avoid her, hardly speak to her, we are much more peaceful without her.

He stays in touch...he only lives 1/4 mile down the road. But that may be most of the issue. For those 13 years he has been single again, she has taken care of him and it may be like I'm taking that away from her, I guess. He and I have discussed our finances and the land. He fells like if I'm putting in half the work and half the finances to keep the horse farm going, then if he passes away, I should get half. I have no problems with a pre-nup, but he does. He doesn't think I should have to prove myself. I have to give him all the credit in standing up for me. Maybe explaining that to her will help.

I have had the misfortune of having to deal with 1 MIL and 1 future MIL that were both evil to the core! Neither one of them liked me, and both for the same reason. They loved their son and were afraid that I would come between them. My MIL started rumors even saying that our son was not my husbands, and turning distant relatives whom I had never met against me with her constant lies and stories. The future MIL is no more... she always came first in his life. She made sure of this and he allowed it. She has never allowed anyone to get as close as I did. She has literally thrown women out of his life and did so to me, but we ended up back together. I eventually learned to stay away from this woman whom I did everything with and for only to find out that she was completely bad mouthing me behind my back, and doing everything within her power to break-up our relationship. I stopped taking her out to do things ( she was a shut in unless people took her out), buying her things, and trying to be her friend. I realized it wasn't going to happen. It was a one-sided relationship with me constantly trying to win her over and her just taking whatever I offered and never giving anything in return let alone the approval or acceptance I sought. My advise to you; try, try, and then try again... try having a conversation with her if you can. Let her know that you would love to have a relationship with her, but if she does not reciprocate then just let it be. You must then decide if your relationship/marriage can survive this. It is very difficult to have a relationship when you are being slighted by your husbands family or you feel he may be choosing her over you or even if he feels that you are putting him in this position where he must choose or he must defend his mother. If you had a good relationship prior to the engagement, then you never know, maybe a conversation will clear everything up, but in general, I think this is usually a very tough situation to deal with. I wish you luck.

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