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How do I turn my "friend-with-benefits" into something more?

Published on May 16, 2009 by green_penguin

I've been fooling around with this friend of mine for a couple of months. And just recently, I've been wanting to see him for things other than sex. When we started this, it was kinda assumed that we would just keep this only as a physical relationship. But I think I getting feelings for him. How do I approach him about it?


The only way you will know if he wants things to be differently between the two of you is to ask. If his answer is no you must decide if that is acceptable or if you need to move on.

There is no point in becoming upset over this or hoping you can change his mind. It is unfair to him. The fact is that you knew what you were getting in to when you started.

I know that fact does not make your situation any easier. It hurts when you fall in love and don't know if the other person feels the same.

Avoid this type of relationship in the future. It may simply be that emotionally you are too caring of a person to be physically involved without becoming emotionally involved. This is actually a good thing. It means you are loyal and when you do find the one for you it will be a fantastic relationship!

I just recently ended a friends-with-benefits relationship because what's happening to you happened to me. I found myself always thinking about my FWB a lot and wanting to be with him more even when sex was not involved. I feel that the best thing to do is go ahead a let your FWB know how you feel and see if he's even interested in the idea of you to becoming more than friends. You don't need to declare your love for him, but just let him know that you are developing feelings (which is natural if you're sleeping with someone) and you want to know if he feels the same. A FWB relationship maybe all he wants and if you're falling for him, it's better to find out now and get out quick before you get hurt.

When I let my FWB know that I was beginning to fall for him, he told me that he wasn't ready for a commitment. I told him that was fine but I also told him that I could no longer have a physical relationship with him just to protect myself. It sucks at first and it hurts sometimes, but I figured the sooner a FWB relationship ends, the better.

If your FWB feels the same for you then, that's great. However, if he's just in it for the sex, then end it quickly. You'll end up getting hurt. And I agree with Sundoll77, these arrangements never seem to work out well. Think about it this way... You deserve someone who wants all of you (the sex included), not just for the sex. If this guy doesn't want something more than a FWB relationship, he doesn't appreciate the whole you and probably isn't worth your time.

Hold on. Was this a friendship with sex benefits or just sex without friendship? So you want to see him for other things. You mean other things like friendship? Or do you mean you want a romantic involvement? You need to be clear in your own mind because sex automatically generates feelings, which are confusing in a FWB relationship. My guess is that he will be happy with sex and he may be happy with friendship added in but that he does not want a traditional romantic relationship with you. If you want to keep his friendship (and you may not if you are looking for romance when he isn't) then you need to approach him carefully. "Hey, what do you think would happen if we started to fall for each other" might give you some insights into his standpoint without putting the cat too much among the pigeons. After that, you can think about where you go from here. FWB is hard work, to keep the balance, but can be incredibly rewarding when it works.

FWB is a hard situation to end. If I was with someone for "benefits" only, I would assume that they wanted nothing more. I've notice, if a someone wants to be with you, they will be with you; they wont want only a FWB relationship. Now of course not everyone is like that. I'm truely sorry about your situation, I know it must suck. Best of luck. :]