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How Do I Stop Coming off Too Strong?

Published on April 24, 2009 by audio1102

Hi! One of my buddies sent me a link to this site and there's a lot of good information on here. Advice from random people would be greatly appreciated, just because I have no clue what on earth I'm doing wrong and could use some good female advice. This is probably going to be long and rambling, but if you read it all it's greatly appreciated.

I've been a relationship guy my entire life, since the age of 17, I've been in relationships for eight of the last eleven years. I've only had sporadic dating, and the times I've been single in between relationships, I really haven't wanted to date.

The last six months for me have been a lot of dates and a lot of opportunities. For some reason, my confidence level has increased significantly, women are approaching me, and I'm getting more dates than I ever have before in my life during my single years.

One of two things happens to me. #1, I don't naturally hit it off or have good conversation with the girl, which is fine. Or, I get the "oops I forgot to tell you I have kids," which I've gotten twice, which for me is the sleaziest thing that a woman can do to a guy. It's the same as saying, "oops, forgot to tell you I have Hep C," in my opinion. #2, which has happened to me three times. We hit it off, first date goes amazingly well. Then I manage to mess it up by coming off too strong. What I mean by that is that we text a lot, call each other a lot, and I open up really quickly to someone. I let them know right away that I like them, tell them about my goals, dreams, ambitions, and things of that nature, and take an active interest in their life. I think this is a good thing, but it really hasn't worked too well for me. Women know up front that I am a good guy and not a douchebag, but for some reason, it just doesn't progress past the dating stage. After a bunch of dates, they quit calling/returning my calls, and it's frustrating. This has always been my approach in the past, but for some reason, I've blown it with three really amazing women, and I know what I'm doing wrong, I just can't break myself of it. The last time, I didn't initiate calling/texting for the most part but I always responded and answered almost immediately. I know there's some sort of a game/chase involved, but I don't like doing that, it comes off as playing to me, and I'm not comfortable seeming that way.

Dating sucks. I want to move past that "I'm dating" stage and go straight to the relationship. For some reason, I haven't been able to make it to that point and I don't quite get what I'm doing wrong. I wish there was a "this is when you call, this is when you text, this is when you plan for an event" type of tutorial available. That sounds so ridiculously contrived, but I'm frustrated beyond belief and willing to do whatever it takes. Women consider me to be attractive and I honestly have no problems meeting people, but since I've been a "relationship guy" pretty much my whole adult life, I'm awful at getting things started and not coming off too strong.

If anyone has any questions, I'll gladly respond, that way I can clarify specifics if that helps. Thanks for reading, looking forward to some responses.


hey, not sure if I can help or not, but I can share my thoughts. What I'm saying is, of course, a generalization, but it's a generalization of how women think, even if they're not conscious of it. Women want men to be logical and clear-headed. We want you to be honest, not play games, and take charge. We might not want to do what you suggest, but we want you to have an opinion. When you get totally involved right away, we get worried that you're leading with your heart, not your mind. Leading with the heart is our job, and we count on men to be more logical because the heart is a wild terrain!
I'd recommend reading David Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man".... but then again it's a pretty advanced way of being in relationships.

I've been on the receiving end of this kind of attention before and I can tell you that it feels nice, in_small_doses... We absolutely want your undivided attention, but not ALL the time. It feels needy and stalker-ish and besides, we have stuff we have to get done and can't be there for you constantly. You've got to let things develop naturally and for some women (and men) that may mean slowly. You say that it's not the very beginning of the dating process that's the problem. So, then, somewhere into it, you need to take a step back and let her do the same. You need to allow you both some breathing room and the opportunity to re-assess the relationship. If I were you I'd actually let her take the lead in establishing contact during this period. I know what you mean by game playing; it feels contrived and forced, but if it makes her feel more comfortable with you, then it's necessary. Anyway, those are just my random musings... Good luck.

  1. It sounds like you're a little too codependent on relationships. And that's where your over eagerness comes from. You need to step back and be okay with yourself first.

  2. I can't believe you likened having kids to having hep c. That is really insulting. Kids are not a disease. And people with kids and hep c deserve a shot at love just as much as you. People are not going to wear signs around their necks identifying whether they have kids or not. The fact that they are letting you know within the first few moments of meeting you is kind and responsible. You need to lighten up and stop being so judgemental.

ok. well it's happened to me, but i like it. i dont like games. i like to know exactly where i stand with you and not have to lie there wondering. so i personally think its good that you open up. you will find the one person soon enough who will appreciate that communication. believe me.

Thanks for the responses! I completely forgot I posted on here. To comment on the one post above, when I say "oops, I have kids" both times this happened to me, this happened on the either the 2nd date (the first time) and then the 3rd date (the second time). Sorry if that's insulting what I said, but to me that IS sleazy. It's one of those things that has to be upfront in the beginning.

I appreciate the input and the advice. I've been traveling all summer and am back and ready for the dating scene to begin again. Hopefully it's successful this time! If anyone has any more input, it would be greatly appreciated!