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How do I say I don't want sexual relations until marriage?

Published on May 5, 2012 by melisha971

So me and my boyfriend have had sex before (8 months ago) we've done sexual things.. but I've realized that I'm not really ready for all that. Sure, we've experienced it and I feel bad for messing with his hormones, but, I think we should wait to do anything again until marriage. I've been in situations that make sexual things not so great for me.. He knows my whole life story and I don't want to do anything sexual anymore, but I feel like it's unfair for me to have ever done things with him and then want to stop. Whenever I don't "take care of him" he gets upset and angry and irritated, I hate seeing him upset so I do what he wants to make him happy but he doesn't know that. I love him dearly, and I think our relationship would get stronger if we stopped doing sexual things until marriage. But, how do I go about telling him that?

ANSWERS

Sadly, it's too late to say no. My wife and I have been together 12 years now, and are the best of friends. She commented she's surprised he's stuck around for 8 months without sex.

Most women can go without sex for years and be fine. But for a man, if you've lost your cherry, it is a lifelong need. The closest description I can think of is becoming instantly addicted to a drug and now you would rather have a regular dose of that drug than breathe. Men cannot go without sexual release, and if he loves a particular woman, she is the best one to satisfy him.

Reading between the lines, sex has been unpleasant for you before. If he wasn't involved, it wouldn't be nice to punish him for it. And considering he loves you obviously, he can help you learn the wonderful intimacy sex is supposed to be.

I suspect you want to have an all out wedding. Why not get married by the local justice of the peace, then have your all out wedding later?

I believe that even if you have had sexual relations in the past, it is okay for you to have a change of mind about this. If you are feeling that you are doing something against what you really want to only to please him, then that sacrifice can be too great on yourself.

It may not be easy to have the conversation with him and he may be upset, but you need to be true to yourself and your desires. I would have an open and honest conversation with him about how you feel and hopefully he can be understanding. It is possible that you will be in two separate places on this issue so be prepared for any outcome.

Wishing you all the best.

I have to disagree with shadetreemech (if I'm reading what you wrote the way I think you did?). It is never too late for you to decide what to do with your body. I’m surprised you haven’t spoken to your partner about what is concerning you just as simply as you’ve put it: “I don’t want sexual relations until I am married.” If you are, now having sexual relations with him before you’re married, wouldn’t that be equivalent to doing something you do not want to do? For the sake of making someone else happy? If your partner is willing to take advantage of your “sacrifice” of your beliefs, and put you through that distress, does that seem fair to you?

Also, getting married just for you to be alright with having sex with your partner is a bad idea, especially if you're not ready/completely sure about it, and if you haven't spoken about things like this after being together for so long. What does a marriage mean to you? If you don’t see yourself married to this man, then what would the sex/sexual relations between the both of you mean to you? There is no right or wrong answer; it means many things to different people, but you have to figure out exactly what you want it to mean (not just concerning your beliefs, but to you personally) before you can know out what you want from your current relationship. The difference between having a healthy sex life in a relationship versus you satisfying him as a “drug” is that the former is about both individuals, and growing from it. The latter is almost reminiscent of a parasitic relationship. Are you willing to damage your self-esteem and your emotional well-being in order to make him happy? And if he’s fine with you doing that, are you fine with him being okay with that?

I know this is a common thing, probably because many fear of rejection from the partner, or the uncertainty of how the partner will react, but I’ve been taught that you must be ready to communicate about your sexuality, or beliefs surrounding it, with your partner/s before embarking on a sexual relationship. Without that, one or both/all of you are putting yourselves at risk for becoming hurt.

You’re in a tough position; it’s never easy when there’s a conflict of emotions with beliefs. But you’ll have to decide how much you respect your own body and your beliefs, and if it is worth speaking up for. I suggest being frank with your partner, even though it will be tough, but it is the only way you both can handle this honestly. Tell him how you feel, and why this is important to you, and that you know you feel bad for how you’ve handled it in the past. But, that’s what that just is; in the past; you’re trying to do the right thing for yourself now, and you don’t want to compromise who you are. However, remember to mention that you can’t expect anything from him, so tell him how much he means to you, enough to be honest to him about what’s going on, and that you’ll respect his decision.

Don’t lose too much hope; I know of many successful couples where the man has had sex before but was willing to hold it off until marriage, so depending on how much you know your partner, you can’t really predict the outcome. If he feels the same way about you, and cares about you too, then you will know and it may work out. If he is honest and says he won’t be able to handle it, yes it will be tough, but at least you know he’s a straight-up guy, and maybe down the road, things may happen. Otherwise, you know you have a friend in him. If he tries to plead with you, for you to “change your mind,” then I’d be cautious. You shouldn’t have to compromise yourself to be in a happy relationship.

I hope things work out for you.

I don't know what held you guys back, but I'm not okay with anything that first guy had to say. It isn't a woman’s obligation to feed or sexually satisfy men as they are come and go at any time. A woman with agency doesn't exist to fulfill the needs of someone else, so get your sexist attitude away from here. And if that's not bad, it's worse that you think what you said is actual advice. Disgusting.

The thing that sticks out for me is your comment about situations that made sexual things not great for you. If you've been sexually abused, it's still affecting you. If I were you, I'd seek counseling. I have a feeling that even if you get married, you're still not going to feel good about sex unless you get counsling beforehand. Good luck.

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