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How do I move past my cheating mistake?

Published on June 1, 2012 by galaxiegirl86

I have been with my guy for over two and a half years.  We have had our share of ups and downs, but I really love him.  About a year ago, he was away for work, and I slept with someone else.  I was drunk, and it was stupid.  I sincerely regret it.  I didn't tell my guy because I feared I would lose him.  Now, we are talking about a future together, and he has hinted that he is ready to get engaged.  I love him, and I want to be with him.  I still feel incredibly guilty about what I did, and I am not sure I can plan a future with someone I am keeping such a large secret from. I am not sure what to do.  I really don't want to lose him, but I don't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life either.  I don't think he will forgive me for keeping this from him for over a year.  Please help?  Thanks!

ANSWERS

Well....be honest. Since I don't know him, I am not sure if he is the type that would want to know something like that. I would. I feel like people deserve to enter into a marriage with full knowledge of the person (and actions of the person) they are vowing to spend the rest of their life with. How would you feel if he kept a secret like this from you? Yes, it may change the relationship, but I think that he deserves to know. He deserves to make an informed decision on whether or not he really wants you to be his wife. You made the decision to cheat and you should be an adult about it and deal with the consequences of your actions. Hopefully he will understand and you two can continue to work towards a future together.

Dear Concerned about a Guilt-Free Future, I am sorry you have found yourself in this predicament. This is a judgment call that can only be really determined by you. To me, this requires an act of self-forgiveness. I have worked with many people in your situation in my practice. The first question I would recommend that you ask yourself is - whose benefit is it for? - for you to disclose this information? Is it yours or his? I have seen these disclosures destroy relationships because the one person underestimated the feelings of the other. If the purpose is to cleanse your conscience at the expense of your partner's feelings then you may want to reconsider. In Caroline Myss' work - Why People Don't Heal and How They Can - she makes the point of "the PERCEPTION that someone has been hurt". In actuality, you may ask yourself - who was really hurt by your actions? I would recommend that you find a non-judgmental therapist and work through your feelings so that you may find a healthy way to come to peace with your past actions.

To each its own. I just couldn't be with someone that could lie to me about something that makes a difference in our relationship. That would make me wonder about what else they have lied about. Let's hope he never randomly finds out. I believe in all things done in the dark eventually coming to light.

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