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How do I move on after a birth of new baby and being set up by my ex?

Published on January 2, 2010 by yada

O.K. This is very complex and I'm sure you've never heard of a situation such as this. I'm 40 years old and was involved for 5 years with a man, ten years my junior. He is currently 30. We've dated inconsistently over the past 5 years. This year in August, I gave birth to our son whom is now 4 months old. After discovering I was pregnant, he was very supportive but when I told him I was going to have the baby, he abandoned me for seven months. He did not resurface until the last trimester of my pregnancy. He was very loving and attentive, and we became intimately involved again. I could not have been happier. I'm thinking "Wowww, he really has changed."

However, as soon as I gave birth, he asked me for a DNA...stating it was simply to please his family whom had concerns since they never met me. I agreed. We continued as normal and then BOOM in October, I was served UNEXPECTEDLY with Sole custody papers. I repeat UNEXPECTEDLY. He had never mentioned the threat or word of taking me to court. I am professionally employed and do not have any history of drug abuse or mental history. Now, things are bad. We hardly communicate or are in the beginning stage of an ugly custody battle. His family despises me, although they dont know me. He has emotionally drained me and made the past 2 months since October, a living hell. Now he has a girlfriend that he spent NY Eve's night with in the presence of our infant. He doesnt know, however, that I know this.

He acts as if he hates me now. Short with communication, very distant. When I reflect back, I realize that his behavior suddenly changed within a month after I gave birth. I also know that the DNA test was for HIM to facilitate petition for custody. Paternity has to be established before a petition for custody has been entered. Furthermore, I realized that he was very cunniving and inconspicuous. It appears as if he simply returned in my life the last trimester of my pregnancy, simply to gain my trust to accomplish his goal. He was in the delivery room with me during the birth of our child and he never left my side during my hospitalization (he slept in the room every night of my stay). He did whatever I asked of him. How can a man whom you've known for FIVE years be so cunniving and WHYYYYY? What did I do to deserve this? When some of his family came to the hospital to see our baby, I could feel the tension. It was obvious they did not care for me at all but remained cordial. If I was a fling, how does a fling endure 5 years? Now, he's with someone else like I'm NOTHING. I will admit he's been very involved with our child but acts as if he abhors me. Please help! I dont want to be revengeful...but I've been betrayed and undeserving of all of this.

ANSWERS

Interesting. So, you two were on again off again for a period of 5 years... and you never met his parents/family? I think that is a red flag for me...if I would've been seeing someone for that long- I would expect to be involved in Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, and other holidays that are generally celebrated with family and friends. However, the fact that you didn't mention that makes me curious as to whether or not this is the whole story...and it also makes me wonder if you were making more of the relationship than was actually there in the first place. I'm sorry but this sounds fishy to me. He planned his actions and I find it hard to believe that it was unexpected- there are always signs. I would suggest that you work on the custody situation and forget about him.

You have a baby together and you discovered his true colors. He'll get visitation at best since he decided to abandon you during pregnancy. So, don't worry about this. Also, put your relationship behind. This one is over. You don't want to be with someone like this anyway. Put a personal ad up, attend church, do the right things and the right man will come along.

He sounds absolutely awful. At this point, the best thing you can do is to get a good lawyer and lots of support from your family and friends.

I wonder what role his family is playing in this. Perhaps there is something about you that they disapprove of. Are you two from different cultures/religions/economic backgrounds/or something? Perhaps he didn't want the baby, but they convinced him, he should get it from you for some reason.

Another possibility is that he is suing for custody in order to make sure you never ask him for child support. Most women want their babies and will back off. Personally, I don't see why he should even have visitation rights, but the courts probably see it differently.

Don't beat yourself up for trusting him. He has acted despicably and only a jerk would expect this kind of behavior. But don't ever take him back, not even for a moment. Your baby deserves better than him.

One further thought - please talk to a lawyer about how involved your baby's father should be. Sometimes custody decisions are related to things like where the baby sleeps.

If I were you, I would not let the baby's father take him overnight. I would not involve him in the baby's life any more than I was ordered to by the court. I would not go for good relations with his family. I would do absolutely nothing that might help this guy build a relationship with the child. I would not be mean or say bad things or fight with them either.

Of course, I could be wrong and you need to get a lawyer's advice on this. Also you have to follow any temporary orders he's managed to get.

If by any chance you're breastfeeding, I think that's a good reason for the baby's father to visit for only a few hours or with you there.

you poor, poor woman!! HUGS

what a jerk. That is so unbelievable that he did that. I can't believe it. :(

Good luck with whatever you do, but I say stay well clear of him and his evilness.

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