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How do I help him bring his guard down?

Published on December 30, 2010 by lonelydreamer

I've known this guy for 4 years and we used to date. We dated 3 years ago and we broke up because the relationship got sexual too fast. Even though it didn't work out the first time. We still remained friends and he dated other girls and it seems like he fell in love easily with them. We kept in touch over the years and eventually realized we had more feelings for each other. Now we are both single and have admitted to loving each other, but there problem is he has problem opening up. He fears that if he lets his guard down I will hurt him. I've tried doing everything to let him know I would never hurt him. One day he made me mad and i told him that i thought he was the type of person that spoke from the mind instead the heart. And that he might have thought he loved me. And now he started to think that I'm right. I didn't mean to do this and I also hurt him saying that so now his guard is higher than before. I know I screwed up. Now he is confused about what he wants. He seems to be over thinking everything. How do I let him no I was just mad and that I'm sorry for saying that. How do I get him to let the guard down?

Also he hurt me 4 times before and I act on emotions and I let him know that I don't want anyone else. But he thinks I should move on. Is there someone else. I just don't what to do. he is the only one I imagined ever getting serious and starting a future with and i have told him that, but he just doesn't seem to think he's worth it. PLEASE HELP

ANSWERS

Sounds like the person you are describing. Jumps from relationship to relationship. He doesn't give himself time to reflect what went wrong in his previous relationship before he begins venturing off into something new. Now with that being said he may be trying to tell you he don't want to hurt you and you may not be listening. One thing for sure guys don't like to be pressured about opening up. As women we tend to be verbal and men aren't always like that. Let's be clear about something okay it sounds like alot of mixed communication one minute you two decide you love one another then the next he's telling you that you should move on. Grant him his wish! First of all you should want someone that is emotional stable and feels good about where they are in life. If he lacks the confidence that we all need to be in a healthy and stable relationship you need to put your shoes back on and walk away. You may be ready emotionally sounds like he's not. Further more there is someone else be patient. You should only want a future with someone that doesn't take things so darn personal when you are only acting out of frustration.

You can't make anyone open up, no matter what you try to do. He will or won't open up based on his perception of you and the relationship. Also, as long as there is significant fear present, authentic intimacy won't be possible. Love and fear are mutually exclusive. If he thinks he isn't worth having you in his life, then he has self esteem problems and he is correct that a relationship won't last. You can't fix him and trying to will make things worse. Ask yourself if you can tolerate him being like he is right now, for the rest of his life. Is that the kind of relationship you want? While he may well change, you cannot base a relationship with him on the assumption that he will change You must assume he will not change significantly and make your decision to stay or go based on that. I suggest you both read the book Truth in Dating by Susan Campbell. Read it together and talk about it with each other.

i would think after four years this person would have gotten to know you in a non-intimate environment and should know your personality and character by now....whether he was trying to notice it or not.

when men do this i believe they just don't want to hurt your feelings, but what they are trying to say is they like things exactly the way they are, and are not interested in a relationship with you. If you are persistent, you will create a "friend with benefits" situation because you pressed being sexual with him maybe thinking that would change his mind, but it becomes a convenient situation for him without a need to commit.

if you like him as a friend, then be happy with that, but i don't think it will grow into anything more than a platonic situation if it isn't currently sexual. it doesn't seem as if you are what he is interested in being in a relationship with - although you are a nice person.

(not a know it all - just speaking from experience!)

I've been through a very similar situation. I realized that you can't change a man's mind. He hs to decide for himself what he wants. To limit more hurt to yourself than you have already experienced you should cut back your contact with him. If he wants to really commit to you and be with you he will definitely let you know.

been there done that, when the present one starts to sound like that, i'd say here we go again

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