How do I get my boyfriend to file bankruptcy?
I have been dating my boyfriend for over six years now and I knew when we first started dating that he was in debt but didn't know how much and also he played poker and was a gambler. Throughtout our relationship these two things diminished but yet his debt is still there, creditors calling the house and he simply won't do anything about it. I try to be nice and even offer to help him and he says no. I try to talk about our finances and he gets disgusted or blows up and walks away, even at times just simply ignores me. I have even given him an ultimatum to file the bankruptcy or we can't be together and he is so eager to walk away. I have stuck by his side through thick and thin with this but he keeps making these promises to deal with it and then wusses out last minute and I am not understanding why. He knows for a fact that we cannot move forwrd in our relationship, (proposal/marriage) and even when I bring that up to him he changes the subject or is real vague about it. I am not sure what to do. I don;t have to many girlfriends to talk to or even understand where I am coming from. I think and picture myself as a great girlfriend. I try not to jump down his throat about this issue unless I see he is making no effort. He does these sport fantasys online and says they are free until I catch him in lies and find out they are 100 bucks a pop, I don;t understand why he has money to do that but not give me for our bills or even save to file bankruptcy. He is trying to tell me is costs 1300 to file but I have seen so many ads that take payment arrangements. I dunno what to do. I feel in my heart that I am growing inpatient and I don't want to be wasting my time on someone that is never going to change these important issues that way we can grow togehter as a couple and be more financially stable. He works 2 jobs and myself 1 right now and I am fine paying on my bills but his slacking is going to cause me to get a second job and this makes myself and my nine year old bummed out. Why can't my dude grow up and take responsibility? Any advice or suggestions about what to do or how to approach him about this in a positive way. Anything would help. Thank you I greatly appreciate it.
You sound like a caring, responsible, loving, grown-up woman....who has given a LOT of herself to someone who - for whatever reasons - is just not capable of doing what you would like him to do. You can't make him file for bankruptcy. He has to be willing to face his financial reality on his own - and, from what you've written, he doesn't seem to be anywhere close to being ready. YOU are ready for him to face it - but HE is not. He is not fully honest about his spending, and he seems to be choosing the gambling and financial disaster over a stable and secure future with you and your child. How will you know when you've had enough of this?
My wish for you is that you would try not to take this personally - although I know it is much easier said than done, especially when you've spent 6 years with him so far. It sounds like you're dealing with someone who would be in this sort of situation no matter who he was with. Your job is to protect you and your 9-yr old. Please put your needs and your child's needs FIRST - before entangling yourself any deeper with someone who is not capable of behaving responsibly in this relationship. I know you have given a lot and you have been a supportive girlfriend through thick and thin. You deserve to be with someone who wants you to feel safe, secure, provided for, and appreciated - and who wants the same things for your child. Take care of yourself and your child. Don't let your boyfriend's issues about money, responsibility, bankruptcy, debt, etc enter into the life or the future of your child any more than they may have already.
Best wishes for you -
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The financial part is the big issue. We have alot invested with each other emotional as far as my son goes. Sooo...being entangled deeply is hard to swallow without a lump forming in my throat. His biological father has not bothered at all and his step-dad has taken on that role but not fully 100% as any single parent mother would like (completion). I am still a single parent when it comes to taken off work for sick days or for school inservice days but yet I am still expected with loss of hours/monies to come up wih my half of the bills. But he also helps me in ways like with putting him on the bus in the morning, cooking and cleaning. He is a good guy, a heck of a working man but financially just is depressed and won't budge. Everything you said hits the spot and I am glad that I am just not thinking naively here. I know thats not right in a relationship, especially for how long we have been together. There shouldn't be no secrets even if it is financially. Its like my stuff is an openbook but his is locked up. I just feel in my heart strongly that I can help him to overcome this but apparently this is all on him to do. There is nothing I can physically do, just to be by his side and a hug if he needs one. I know it is partially a "proud" issue for him but I look at it this way, the sooner he does it the sooner he can move on. Like I mentioned he is a hard worker and its time for him to be stress free and to enjoy his future but he doesn't say or seem to feel that way. I don't know what I am waiting for. I know I can handle being a single parent again. Could I afford my home eh I would be strong enough to continue on so its not like I need him but like you said I expect the same security in return. I am not materialistic in no way shape or form but I also do not want to have to struggle the way I have been when there are two bread winners under one roof. Ah that felt so much better talking with someone about this. Like I said I really have no one to talk to and it just stays bottled up inside until I end up getting mad and exploding about this with him. No I don't do it every day or week or month. I would honestly say yeah I blow up about it maybe 2-3 times a year so phew I am pretty good holding my own and dealing with it. Thank You for replying to me. It assures me that I am not just getting mad over something stupid and that this issue is not right we have going on in our relationship. My son is my main priority. He was diagnosed with PDD/NOS which is a form of autism in 2005 and I am his number one and he is my number one. Just thought I would comment that I am indeed not a woman that chooses men over their children. I thank you again and apologize for my written book here, but so you know I took no offense in anything you said moreso rather agreed. Take care thanks
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You sound strong and loving - and I trust that you have all the answers for what is best for your life and that you will know what to do. I'm glad that it has been helpful to talk about it a little bit and I am wishing you nothing but the very best. I would be happy to offer you a complimentary, no-obligation 30-minute coaching session if you ever want to talk more about this over the phone. Just click on my little profile and send me an email! All the best - Nicole
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You sound like a sweet giving girl who is committed to a gambling and spending addict. I'm so sorry. There is really nothing you can do but walk away. That's why it's called an addiction: he is too weak to say no. He loves gambling and spending more than he loves you. I know it hurts, but you have to face it.
You probably hate to leave him because part of you says you're being selfish to abandon your man, but leaving him is the best way to force him to grow up. Men who date really tolerant women never have to grow up.
He will thank you one day. Walking away is doing him a big favor. He gets to feel the pain and misery of being alone due to his weak character. This pain can sometimes turn the guy around. I've seen it happen both in personal relationships and in the workplace.
Do you really want your 9-yr-old to see this person as a role model? Your child will (believe it or not) thank you later. I've seen that happen too. Your child wants you to be strong, not a weakling. Model strength!
You can do it. One day you will wake up and know the time is right. You will change bank and credit card accounts, you will move, you will have USPS change your mailing address, and you will store up enough money to make the transition work. Start making your plan today for getting out.
If you pray for strength as you make your plans, you will always find it.
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By the way, I was in a similar situation to yours, but I stayed longer and my husband was the kids' dad. When I told him to move out, my kids were heartbroken. That lasted more than a year. But now that they are grown up, they have come to me individually and said, "Mom, we're so glad you divorced Dad." The truth is that my teenagers are more mature and responsible than their addicted father. My kids are proud of me for being strong.
You can be strong too. It didn't happen over night for me. It took me 4 years to leave, but I finally did. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
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