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How do I get him to work on our relationship?

Published on June 6, 2012 by joannalol

I've been with my boyfriend for a bit over 3 months (he's 23/i'm 18) in the beginning it was amazing we just had so much going for us and saw that our relationship could really blossom. I really felt close to him and we both felt that after a month of dating we were ready for sex everything we did felt right. After the first time he got a bit of cold feet and said that i wasn't ready for this and we had a lot of problems. we talked about it after a few days and he said we can make it work. then when i saw him again a week after the day after that he went back to saying that he wasn't ready for this. a few days passed and he said he just isn't ready for the texting and the calling and all of that if it was any other time he would be in on it, but he's dealing with a lot of things in his life right now. and then when i said we can work on it and adjust to things he said okay. we started off good but it just wasn't the same, i didn't think things would change much but i felt like he changed along with our time together. Every time we see each other it was great there was nothing wrong, but when i'm not with him we tend to argue and just fizzle out. the other day we argued because i wanted to stop having sex for a bit so he could meet my parents and we could have more time to fix things between us, but he didn't want that he said he barely gets to see me as it is when he's with me he wants to be able to make love and have one thing he can call his and not have rules or restrictions (i see him about once or twice a week - i have stricted parents and he has a part time job, a band and meetings for that) i then kinda saw his point of view if we already had started having sex me just taking it away is pointless i should have thought about things more, but i also think he should respect my decision. anyways today i was going to go see him i called last night didn't get an answer so i texted him asking him if i was going to see him tmrw (today) said good night and thats it, i woke up at 2am and called because usually he's awake at that time he hadn't responded, and at 830am i called him again but nothing so i texted him saying i guess i won't be seeing you today. he replied when he woke up "what? i cant sleep now? i have to wait on your hand and fucking feet? youre being needy as fuck and its getting annoying.." i really didn't think it was that bad what i had done, is it? he said he had something else to do and couldn't see me today so i told him to let me know when he could. and then on the way home i ran into his sister on the bus, i asked her if i could pick up something from the apartment and she said sure i told her james said he wasn't going to be home. she stayed outside talking on the phone but said i could go up so i did and i went upstairs and he was there, i told him i didn't know he was gonna be there and said i was just gonna get something, he said that now im just walking into his house without asking i told him his sister said i could come up. i wanted him to say something i took my beanie and gave him his, and asked him he this (us) didn't mean anything, and he said if i think of it that way. i asked if he had nothing to say and he just shurgged, i asked if he was mad and he said a little bit. (cause i just came to his house) i asked him why did he say im fucking needy and he said you got to admit you kinda are, a little and he said yeah. i left then cause his sister came up and i told him i'd talk to him later and he said later buddy. I want to fix things and be able to deal with him being busy cause i just feel great when i'm with him. i freak out a bit when i can't see him and i don't wan to i want to be able to be okay and not be needy as he says. how can i just calm down and have my own life without being needy in the relationship, i think we are really over though, do you know how maybe i could get him to talk to me and try to work on things, i don't know how but i just really want to. he has told me he wants to work on things with me always, but i think maybe after this he's just over it. he has told me that of things i've done like being needy and saying things he would have ended it by now but he didn't so i think maybe we can surpass this, but i really want to work on myself to be a better person cause i don't like being worried and annoying, i've had a past boyfriend say the same things so i know it's me. i don't like this side of me i've tried to calm down take myself out of the situation but sometimes i just can't deal with it and get insecure about everything. i want to be with this guy, we've talked about our future i know he's serious about me, i just want to be better for myself not just for him. how do i stop being so insecure? what can i do to keep myself busy and from coming off as needy and annoying? how can i get him to try and work on the relationship still after what happened today? when should i contact him or if i should contact him at all?

thank you


When a woman finds herself in the situation where the guy has time for sex but no time for her, that should send up a red danger flag.

I would recommend you learn more about how men think about sex and love. In general, young men these days don't really want relationships. They just want sex. There's a fascinating study on this (see below).

[HTML_REMOVED]So, how do you find a guy who loves you for you--heart and soul? [HTML_REMOVED]I'd recommend you read some books. The one I'm recommending to 20-to-30-year olds is [HTML_REMOVED]Act Like a Lady; Think Like a Man.[HTML_REMOVED] It's fun and fast to read.

(If you want to see the study on the difference between men and women on sex, you can download the PDF: "Gender Differences in Receptivity to Sexual Offers" by Russell D. Clark III Ph.D. and Elain Hatfield, Ph.D. The most interesting findings are on pp. 45-48.)

A shift in focus is called for here. Yes, as you said, put some energy into boosting your self esteem and feeling more confident about yourself. Rather than trying to keep yourself busy, spend some time thinking about what you love to do and what helps you feel excited and passionate about your life-- aside from your partner.

Start doing those things you enjoy!

The decision about whether or not to keep having sex is yours to make. You can't make him work on your relationship but you can be always true to yourself and what you want and need as situations change.

When you do decide to contact him again, you two could create some agreements about how often is okay and how often is too much when it comes to texting & calling. Really listen to him and see if you two can find a resolution that you'll both be happy with.

It sounds like he just wants sex. It's been 3 months and you've already had sex. I'm not saying that it always leads to nothing coming out of the relationship, but I am saying that 3 months is not long enough for you to see how he acts within the relationship. To know how someone consistently treats their partner in the relationship takes at LEAST 7 months. He may not have changed at all, how he is now may be EXACTLY who he is. You didn't take the time to get to know that. EVERYTHING is good in the beginning of the relationship...that's what draws you in. You have to see how they handle things when it gets tough before you decide whether or not to make something out of the relationship or not. He clearly doesn't want to be around you until he is ready to sleep with you...which means that he is not serious about you, you are just convenient. If you want to stop having sex, you can. That is YOUR call. When my vow renewal ceremony was coming up, I told my husband that I wanted to hold off until the ceremony (which was 3 months away lol) he wasn't thrilled with it, but he understood and respected my decision without treating me like I was doing something wrong. If this guy was really into you , he would understand or at the very least RESPECT your decision and try to work with it. As for your self esteem...the other post is right. Do things that YOU like to do. Hang out with friends, write down good qualities about yourself and read them before you go to bed every night and try to realize your worth. If you want a long term relationship, you have to build a foundation for it. With your next relationship, hold off on the sex for a while. I say about 7 months because that not only gives you time to get to know each other, it's also enough time for you and your partner to go get tested together twice before making that step in the relationship. Month 1 and Month 7. :-) Good Luck Hun.