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How do I get him to care again? PLEASE advice!

Published on March 26, 2011 by selenek00

Ok,here's the deal

I'm in my late 20's. I'm not all that but I know I'm attractive. I get lots of attention from men wherever I go and I guess I could have any guy I wanted.  I am not trying to be conceited, just trying to give you an idea of what my life is like.  I like this guy I work with.  He is a womanizer, not well liked. Yet I think I have been able to see the good in him.  People constantly warn me about him and tell me to stay away from him.  He has a reputation and goes from girl to girl like it's nothing.

We have been talking to each other for about 5 months now.  At first it was just a physical thing, we kissed and did other things if you get my drift. I feel used by him because he seems to cling to me when he's in trouble at work and I'm in a position where I can help him.  However, he acts like he likes me.  I have noticed this pattern before and have tried to end things with him. I have told him we should'nt talk anymore and he called me and said I had hurt his feelings and that he wants me in his life. He would use the word "relationship" a lot but he would also use the word "friendship" too, so he confuses me. So I used that phrase at least twice with him in the past, both times he came back asking me to let him in my life because he's trying to build a relationship with me. We do not see each other outside of work, our schedules conflict with each other and he goes out of town on weekends to see his daughter. Oh yeah btw, he has a kid. We did text and call each other a lot though.

One time he got in trouble and came to me to vent, I didn't do anything to help him out of the situation so I just listened. We hugged for a long time and then he kissed me. It felt genuine, and of course "one thing led to another..."

Things have gotten complicated the past couple of days.  I pulled the "let's not talk to each other anymore" card again, and this time he is doing it.  He ignores me completely. Acts like I don't exist.  I texted him and asked him if he was mad at me, no reply.  I waited a day and emailed him (I know, too desperate) and told him I didn't want us to argue anymore.  He said he was doing what I wanted . Before I would say "don't talk to me, we are nothing. You're not my friend, you only use me" and he would come back asking me to reconsider.  This time I said the same thing and he said "ok this is what you want right? so I'm doing it"

This is killing me, I don't know how to feel. I don't want to lie to myself and think he's trying to punish me or make me suffer but deep down really likes me. What if he is really done and tired of me? But what if he likes me? I know my feelings for him are not that strong yet. I'm not in love with him but I definitely care. He knows this too but didnt say anything. Didn't say he felt the same way, didn't ask me to leave me alone and not talk to him ever again.  He just ignores him.  Another day passed by without contact.  We saw each other at work, made eye contact, nothing. So I sent him ANOTHER email just telling him that I missed him. Nothing.

What should I do? Does he like me? Should I keep trying? How do I get him to care again? I don't know if things are dead and done between us or if he is just trying to get back at me and give me a taste of my own medicine.  I get attention from other guys but I can't seem to get over the jerk who doesn't care to acknowledge the fact that I exist! What is wrong with me? There are at least 3 good guys out there who have asked me for a chance to start a nice, healthy relationship but I have turned them down.  Do I want this guy because he ignores me? Please help!

Please help!

ANSWERS

Sounds like the two of you are giving each other mixed messages. If a guy really likes you he will be there for you... and he will not say and do things to make you question or doubt yourself. Do yourself a favor and let this guy go. Then go on line and buy the book "He's just not that into you. Read it and be willing to start over. You really do deserve better.

Thank you. I don't know why I put myself through this. I am trying to figure out why I feel the way I do for him. I think it's more of a nurturing thing. I want to "save" him because he's a mess. It gives me some kind of purpose. But you are absolutely right. The one thing that has always been clear to me is the fact that we give each other mixed signals and our "relationship" is unhealthy and toxic. We only seem to connect after a fight, things are only good when we make up. So do I have to be upset and/or sad in order to get some kind of emotional reward from this? Thanks again for your input!

It's human nature to want something that's a challenge, even though it's not the best thing for us. Make a list of must haves and dealbreakers for a relationship, and break it off with a man if he lacks any of the must haves or possesses any dealbreakers. Set your feelings aside and let your brain overrule in this area. Some of us are rescuers, me included, but when you recognize this, you can make changes and tell yourself that rescuing someone like this is destroying you and not benefiting you. It takes a lot of effort to find a good man. I know. I've been there. I finally found one who meets all of my main needs, and I'm so happy that I cut the other ones loose when I found out they couldn't make the grade, which freed me to find the treasure. You can do it too. Take care.

You sound like a person who sees the best in people and want to support his potential. Trust me you can't save him, but he wants you to bail him out. But that's not your job. Bravo for recognizing he is toxic and unhealthy for you. Now ya just gotta figure out how to stay clear of him. You might want to make a list of all the good qualities then list all the bad, all the disappointment, resentments. Then put it away for a day or two, then some evening when you are having an emotional tug of war, you can light a candle and burn the good list. but hold on to the bad list. after you burn the good list you might want to make a list of qualities you would like to attract with a man who is emotionally available for a healthy relationship. then the next time your co-worker and he is a co-worker not a friend! Keep in mind..would your friends treat you like he is treating you? it's amazing how much crap we will accept from a guy, that would break our hearts if our "friends" treated us like that.
Eventually you will be ready to burn the shit list and focus on your ideal mate list. May sound funny but when yo see him visualize him in a pink bubble ( like the wizard of OZ) and give him to God... he needs love, but you need to love yourself, and so many of us have a difficult time loving ourselves... but trust me, it gets easier the more we practice and trust ourselves.

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