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How do I decide whether to marry my fiancee?

Published on November 24, 2013 by huntervalley

I have been with my partner for 4 years, I'm from the UK and he is Australian. We have lived together throughout our relationship either in UK or Australia. We have had some very challenging times due to to one of us being unhappy away from family and friends, struggling with the stresses of finding work in a new country etc. I feel as if I have always had a "it will get better when..." attitude but am starting to wonder how long that attitude can be valid. We enjoy spending time together and laugh at the same things. We have things in common like hobbies and activities that we enjoy doing together and we have had some amazing times travelling but I fear that there are some big issues that we differ on. For example, he and his family are religious whereas I am not, our conversations are easy and fun but sometimes I wish we could talk about things that are slightly more intellectually stimulating. We have had a LOT of issues over money as he has always earned more than me and on some level I think feels bitter about spending his money on joint activities and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, worrying about buying a coffee or lunch out occasionally. Another big issue for me is that for the last couple of months, I have not felt sexually attracted to him. When we first met I remember thinking that he wasn't someone I would typically go for in terms of looks but that we got on so well that maybe that's what I should be looking for and that's what will make a long-term relationship. But now I find myself missing that side of things. I also know that it is not the be all and end all. We have tried to talk about these issues but my partner says he finds it difficult to talk about things and most of time I think he would rather sweep it under the rug and pretend everything is fine. We are engaged but haven't married any marriage plans and whenever the talk of marriage comes up, I feel slightly panicked. A couple of months ago I was excited about it and these issues didn't seem to worry me as much (although they were still there). I guess I'm just feeling very confused about when to know that things are just not going to work or whether to keep trying to work at it. The idea of leaving him panicks me and I think about all the amazing things we have done and worry that breaking up would be a mistake. I'd really appreciate any advice or to hear about anyone else's experiences in similar situations.

ANSWERS

Let me just say I am a man. For some reason, readers on this site get confused about what sex the writer is. It seems like to me you are not happy with things. Then change them. You cannot change your partner, only yourself. What raises red flags for me is the amount of doubt you have about the relationship. I ended my 10 year marriage with my wife because of some similar differences I noticed in the beginning of the relationship. I ignored them and just chalked it up to being pre-marriage jitters. Little did I realize they would become the things that would break the marriage apart. Things like religion, family, having children (or not), lifestyle, etc. can be deal breakers in a relationship. I would suggest evaluating what is important to you in your life minus your fiance and compare it with your life plus your fiance. Weigh the pros and cons of both and decide whether or not you can live with your choice. Don't be afraid to take some time away from him to think things over. Go with your gut decision. It has to feel right for you in order to move forward.

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