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How do I cope?

Published on October 28, 2013 by iammeandnooneelse

My ex and I met in February when we were both already in a relationship. We broke up with our then-partners and we kept talking, later getting together about a month after.

He told me that he used to be in relationships just so that he wouldn't be lonely, that I was the first girl he ever truly loved. He used to be afraid that he was a stepping stone for me when in reality I ended up being his instead. I'm not complaining, I know I was special to him to a point because he trusts me with his secrets and we've shared something we can't share with anyone else.

I have no regrets with anything I've shared, given or had with him. I love him, I always have and I always will. He'll always be first in my heart, even if I can't be with him.

I believe we were both truly in love, even if it was only for a few months. I was his longest relationship and his first serious one. He has commitment issues, unable to pick just one thing and stick with it because he gets bored. He used to cling to me in the beginning which I love and miss. He'd send me songs about how he felt.

We broke up sometime in October. He said he wanted to explore and that his feelings changed. I spoke with his mom and she and I agreed that my friendship with him will help him mature in the future.

He wants me to move on and to keep an open mind for other guys, but at the same time he wants me to keep trying for him. I'm not sure if he was just trying to let me down gently, offering a possibility of rekindling the relationship later on or was genuine about it.

I don't plan to move on, I don't want to. I still believe he's my soul-mate, my other half, even if he's not mine. I know that doesn't make sense, but it just does to me. He helped me discover myself, taught me to respect myself, and made me truly feel special. His feelings simply changed. My feelings won't change; I don't want them to. I don't want someone "better." I've already accepted that we're over and will never get back together, but there's still a hope in my heart.

I don't plan to give up. I'm not asking how to get over him or how to win him back. What I want to know is how I can cope with being unable to speak with him, spend time with him, how I can think about it less and less until it stops hurting and how I can be happy knowing he'll find the right girl for him while I'm still in love with him.


Well, to be honest, it won't stop hurting and you won't be able to cope until you can accept reality. He was honest with you that it's over, and to tell you to look into other guys but have him on the back of your mind is a game and down right cruel.

This is not an emotionally mature man and you're lowering your own value by waiting around for someone who said they didn't want you. Trust me, we've all been hopelessly in love with someone we thought we would never find anyone like and we didn't want to lose because we believed in our heart of hearts they were our soul mate and with time, they'd just grow up and figure out you're the one. This is a lie every woman tells herself at some point in her young dating life.

And I'll tell you this with certainty from experience. A young, single guy who's searching to "find himself" will rarely find himself with you. That's just how it is. I learned this lesson the hard way several times.

This is the worst kind of emotional trap you can find yourself in. It's over. I know it sucks and it hurts and you love him and you thought he was your soul mate. But just because you feel something doesn't make it right.

I once held onto a really bad relationship with a guy who kept breaking up with me like clockwork every 3-5 months for two years. I refused to move on and kept chasing him even though he didn't want me but kept me on the hook. I swore we were soul mates and I'd never find anyone like him. By the end of two years I was nearly emotionally destroyed and it resulted in his mother breaking up with me for him. It was pathetic. I put myself through hell for a guy who just wasn't that into me because I was unwilling to face the truth. It's also naive to think we'll never find anyone else to love just as much or more. Just because we love someone doesn't mean they are right for us or what is best. And just because we love someone doesn't mean we are meant to be with them. Sometimes we love what is bad for us. It's okay to love someone and not be with them.

How can you give him love if you don't have love for yourself? You have such little regard for yourself that you're allowing yourself to be miserable and alone on the hopes that someone who said they didn't want you may some day change their mind. What standards do you have for your own self? What do you deserve? You're teaching him that he can do whatever he wants to you and you will just be waiting like a puppy for him in the wings. You've given him power over you and permission to use you and take advantage of you. That's not healthy, nor is it love.

Sounds like you both have some growing to do.

As long as you won't face the reality that it's over and he told you to move on, you won't be able to get over not spending time together. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but I'd hate to see you waste years pining over someone who just won't be there.

-YourTango Expert