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How do I compete with my best friend?

Published on October 7, 2012 by thesquid

I'm a happy introvert. I enjoy my alone time, I dislike small talk, and can get over-stimulated easily in places such as night clubs where there is an abundance of sensory stimulation. My best friend is also somewhat introverted, but she falls more in the middle of the scale. It's very easy for her to talk to someone for hours about random things without a whole lot of substance, and she thrives in social situations with a lot of stimuli. I love it because we balance eachother out, but I have started to notice it becoming a problem when trying to meet guys out at bars and such.

Last night, for instance, we were at a new bar. I sat down next to this attractive guy, and the three of us started chatting. Not for long, though, because i could feel my best friend slowly edging me out of the conversation. She'll always bring up her cool job in the music industry, and then from then on i'm plain jane. At this point, however, i was still holding my own. I had to use the restroom and she told me she'd save my seat. Low and behold, when i came back, she had swooped in, taken my seat, and i was invisible from then on to this guy. This happens all the time.

It's already difficult for me to meet people out and about because of my hate for small talk, but my god she is making it almost impossible. And not to toot my own horn but i'm 21 tall and brunette with a killer sense of style and a personality to match. I'm anything but boring. I've traveled and done some things people have never even dreamed of, i paint, i always want to learn new things, and am honestly a really smart girl.

How am i supposed to compete with my extroverted friend with a cool job who butts me out of conversations?

ANSWERS

Don't compete. Shift your view of the situation and stop seeing your best friend as your competition. When you go out to a place like a night club (where you know you get overstimulated), make your intention simply to go out and have fun and NOT to try to meet guys. Just have fun and if she seems to be dominating a conversation, then perhaps it's time for you to move on to talk to a different set of people or to go dance.

If you are an introvert, you're probably more likely to meet a guy who is a good match for you somewhere other than a bar or club. Do the things that you truly enjoy doing and let your attractiveness show.(Know that it doesn't show when you feel like you're in a competition with your friend.) The right guy will show up when you do.

You can talk with your friend about this, but be sure to speak in terms of how you feel and leave out any accusations or blame that she's intentionally edging you out. (She may or may not be.) Maybe she realizes that she does this and, if so, there could be a signal that you use to let her know you'd like a turn to talk in a conversation. This depends on the dynamics in your friendship.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

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