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How do I break up with a boy who is incredibly perfect but not perfect for me, and wont accept what I am telling him?

Published on March 4, 2010 by toobusyforthis

Okay. I've been seeing this guy for 7 months. He's 21 and I'm 24. Before him I was sort of a serial dater. No one in particular, no recycling, just fun, 3 month little relationships here and there. He's a full time college student without a job (not particularly spoiled, but sort of) and I am a full time college student, work full time (12 hour shifts, ew), with a part time job. Needless to say our lives are much different, he's living at home taking courses online with no job, I'm running pretty much everyday from 9 till 11 with responsibilities packed in. I'm not complaining at all I love the chaos and unpredictability of my life, this background information plays a big role in my problem.
Anyway, We met at a bar, had a sloppy make out sesh, and pretty much fell head over heels from that night forward. We met in the middle of the summer, had countless nights under the stars, he romanced me, made me his princess... I couldn't figure out what I had done to deserve such a perfect guy. Despite my attempts to tell him I am not good at relationships right now and that I really have no time for a boyfriend. I really thought at first that I would hold on to him forever. Especially when the summer ended and fall began because I knew that summer romances are often just that. Three months in I told him that I'm not comfortable and I feel too much demand from the relationship and we took like a week off, and at the end of the week I really and truly missed him and regretted what I said, and we got back together. You have to understand that this guy's life revolves around me. I'm not saying that to be conceited, anybody would tell you that. He is in love for the first time, and we've been through a lot together! I know I love him too but I think it's on a very different level. Anyway, we got back together, Christmas came, all the other holidays, everything was fine...but I still felt kind of trapped. I think really in the back of my mind I knew I might not want to be with him in the long run. You know how the more you get to know somebody, you might start to be annoyed by certain things? That started happening. He is seriously the most amazing boyfriend- he never does anything wrong. He opens my door every time, has a drink waiting for me if we meet out somewhere, calls me (too much sometimes), doesn't go out without me, shows me off to his friends, everything. But he is way more into than I am, and I was pretending for a long time to be okay with it but I've finally come to terms with the fact that it's not. I told him we need to take a break, and that's what we've been doing for the past 3 weeks. I was honestly hoping that eventually during the break I would realize that I'm crazy and I want to be with him. It's not happening this time. I know that when I let him go finally it's going to be really really hard, and I will regret it for months because he's so good to me, and I might even regret it forever. But there are some compatibility issues I think, like how much more dependent he is on me than I am on him. He includes me in every decision he makes. I have more of an independent personality, I need my space sometimes. He doesn't get it. Our lifestyles are completely different right now because my life is so structured, his is spent at home. All he looks forward to is seeing me, I look forward to feeling my pillow under my head. I've pretty much decided that it's just bad timing... that I'm not ready for a relationship with him, or anybody else really. I have a very precise goal to graduate and feel that feeling of success that I've never had because of mistakes I've made in the past. Am I crazy to look at this situation the way that I am? I feel this overwhelming guilt from hurting him. I wrote him a letter trying to explain the way I see things and the way that I feel, and I was seriously more honest in that letter than I've ever been to any boy. I felt like at first he at least respected my side, but I know he doesn't. He makes me feel terrible every time I talk to him, and I keep second guessing my decision. I hurt for him. I know his heart is breaking. But I can't be with somebody out of pity! I feel like I should just pack it up and walk away, but I don't know if I could, knowing the damage I caused. I feel so so guilty. It's the hardest relationship conundrum I've ever had to face. I can't just run away because we got too close. He knows me very well. He looks at me in that way most girls WISH somebody would look at them. I know how lucky I am, but I feel like there might be somebody out there better for me. Somebody that still makes me excited and nervous after seven months. I don't have that with my boyfriend. He's sadly become another "thing" on my agenda, and I really hate that. I hate it because it's unfair to him. He deserves so much more. I honestly am jealous of the girl that he finally will marry. I just don't think it's me. So how do I tell him all of this? I tried to lay it out for him nicely and thoroughly but it didn't get through. He won't get it. I focused less on the personality problems and more on the timing and stress being in a relationship causes me right now. I wish he was like a friend from high school or that cousin I email sometimes. He's a wonderful person but obviously isn't what I want, or else I'd try to make it work. What do I do??

ANSWERS

reading your story was hard for me because im in the exact same boat, pretty much. im 21 and i was dating this guy, 22 who sounds exactly like your guy. i broke up with him 10 months ago, and am currently seeing someone else. i tried to stay friends with my ex, but it resulted in him obssessing, and thinking we were going to get back together and not giving me a day to myself in the whole time we have been broken up. i think sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and if your sure you dont want to be with him, tell him you want to be friends eventually but not right away and give it at least a couple of months before you make contact. (and stand your ground) the ironic thing is i left my ex (because i thought i had fallen in love with my best friend,) but since iv been dating guy no. 2, iv missed guy no. 1 so much. i still cry over him all the time. it was only when i had a bad relationship that i realised how important at that mushy stuff (making you dinner & tea etc) is. so the question i ask myself now i guess is, am i woman enough to have a housewife? my oppinion is you should ask yourself the same thing. .because if your guys anything like my guy he won't change. i hope this was helpful and not just a massive rant about my own problems, but i feel we are in a shockingly similar situation

Why are you giving him a choice? Tell him you are done and move on. Stop contacting him, stop returning his calls and texts and emails.

You have been nice, now be clear. It's over. I think at this point you are allowed to send a break up email. Telling him that you've tried telling him in person, but he doesn't get it. You need to break up. End of story.

Hit send and don't contact him. I know it sounds cold, but I think you have to be a little cold otherwise he is going to not get it.

Don't try so hard to be the "good guy", just lay it out and move on.

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