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How do I be at peace with unrequited love?

Published on September 6, 2012 by dulcelocura

I have been friends with Jackson for 6 years and we've just gotten closer and closer. But just as friends. At first he was just someone I worked with. Then eventually hooked up with. At the time we both agreed not to make a big deal out of it. I had no feelings for him and vice-versa. Overtime, because of mutual friends and similar interests our friendship developed quite deeply and we became very good friends. We have a particular love for travel and living life to the fullest which draws us together. Our friendship is interesting. I'm a girl but I'm usually have more 'guy friends' and usually considered as 'one of the guys'. Jackson talks openly and freely about his conquests and sometimes I was there to play wingwoman. Throughout all that time, we continued being good friends while we each had separate lives and I was in love and together with someone else for 3 years. He had his own relationships and love stories. I didn't notice that I started to think I might have feelings for him until a few years ago, back when I was still in a relationship. I realized he was a very good person, and someone I clearly enjoyed being with. We seemed to want the same things in life. To just be on the road, wander around the world. Of course, I didn't do anything. I had a good and happy relationship. Then that ended and Jackson was as expected a very good friend. We would hook up again, just once, after which he said that we ought to be careful as to not ruin our friendship. Since then, we just went on with being good friends to each other as usual. I thought I could just ignore my feelings. That they were just something inevitable because of our closeness. But then now, due to circumstances we are now Living together, As friends, separate beds. And it was fine, there was no problems or issues. But now, my feelings I've noticed are getting stronger. When he used to tell me of plans of Hooking up with someone or when he does hook up with someone or go On a date or start to like another girl. I used to be right behind him, rooting him on. I still do, but now I am having twinges of jealousy. And now, I can't stop thinking about him. It's an awful situation, to act supportive and happy for him on his attempts on dating. Meanwhile, I'm wrestling with my feelings. I am almost completely certain that he does not feel the same way. Is there a possibility that he might. Sure. But I know him quite well and I really doubt it. I don't want to risk our friendship at all. I know our friendship will survive the 'confession' should I give it. But I know it would change it. And I don't want to do that.

So, my question is. How do I come to terms and accept our friendship to be just that and have a peace of mind with it?


It sounds like you are clear about the risks of telling him how you feel and also the risks of not doing so. If you have made the decision not to tell him your true feelings, then you can be very intentional about your thoughts as you make peace with your situation.

Focus more on seeing him as your friend and enjoying friendship but then also imagine a perfect romantic partner for you-- if possible, one who is very different from your friend. Live your life in a way that allows space for you to meet this other person who is a great match for what you're looking for. This might mean that you change up what you usually do socially.

We're not urging you to rush into a new love relationship, just shift your focus away from your friend when you think about romance, love and sex.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto